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Entry tags:
Life without Life
I think I'm basically done packing. My mom reminded me to remember to take my yen. It really would suck to order $1000 in foreign currency only to forget it at home when I'm already drowning in credit card crap.
I'm kind of dreading leaving, as is expected. I will miss my parents, though I'm not sure how much I will miss my mom's persistent melancholy. I love her, but she is very difficult to motivate to do even what she can do, particularly where it comes to changing her perspective on her frustrations. Of course, I am not in a body that is disabled like hers, and so I try not to judge. It is still difficult to know how to process, though. I told her rather insistently recently that she cannot expect me to be her only friend for the rest of her life. She got all defensive "Well excuse me for being a burden," but it's a two way street. I need to stop having only my parents as my only actually-accessible social support system. I don't even know how to begin to DO that, whereas my mom could reach out to peers within our church even if she rarely can attend.
I am hoping and praying that computers aren't just allergic to Japan and that this new baby will survive the trip with me. I am sort of terrified, but the fact that my computer gave up the ghost after seven years and some wear really isn't surprising. I would like to use some of my "free time" to rewatch some stuff and actually articulate some fandom thoughts. I've felt so alone in many fandom things for so long that it is hard to muster enthusiasm. Beyond that, I think that antidepressants and stuff have this deadening effect on emotions after a long time. I might experiment with trying to take that particular medication every other day while I'm there and see if I feel anymore alive. Of course, it will be hard to determine if the results are valid because I'll have a markedly different and more naturally physically active lifestyle over there. I really do not know how to fully maintain the healthy habits one MUST have in Japan over here with my available emotional resources for self motivation. It's quite a conundrum.
I think I know what I want to write for![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
multifandomtropefest, so that's nice! Lately even some of my exchange fics have felt phoned in, and I hope that isn't the case this time around.
I'm kind of dreading leaving, as is expected. I will miss my parents, though I'm not sure how much I will miss my mom's persistent melancholy. I love her, but she is very difficult to motivate to do even what she can do, particularly where it comes to changing her perspective on her frustrations. Of course, I am not in a body that is disabled like hers, and so I try not to judge. It is still difficult to know how to process, though. I told her rather insistently recently that she cannot expect me to be her only friend for the rest of her life. She got all defensive "Well excuse me for being a burden," but it's a two way street. I need to stop having only my parents as my only actually-accessible social support system. I don't even know how to begin to DO that, whereas my mom could reach out to peers within our church even if she rarely can attend.
I am hoping and praying that computers aren't just allergic to Japan and that this new baby will survive the trip with me. I am sort of terrified, but the fact that my computer gave up the ghost after seven years and some wear really isn't surprising. I would like to use some of my "free time" to rewatch some stuff and actually articulate some fandom thoughts. I've felt so alone in many fandom things for so long that it is hard to muster enthusiasm. Beyond that, I think that antidepressants and stuff have this deadening effect on emotions after a long time. I might experiment with trying to take that particular medication every other day while I'm there and see if I feel anymore alive. Of course, it will be hard to determine if the results are valid because I'll have a markedly different and more naturally physically active lifestyle over there. I really do not know how to fully maintain the healthy habits one MUST have in Japan over here with my available emotional resources for self motivation. It's quite a conundrum.
I think I know what I want to write for
multifandomtropefest, so that's nice! Lately even some of my exchange fics have felt phoned in, and I hope that isn't the case this time around.
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If anything it sounds like I might feel like I have fewer connections in day to day life (recent post explains) but I do at least feel like I have a handle on what's going on. I kind of suspect that this will be my last semester doing this, at least for a long time, but not in an angry way (at least at this point lol). But that was sorta the plan anyway. Maybe this is just God's way of making letting go easier.