prixmium: (rose tyler - series 1 pink)
Last Thursday was just another day for me. Thanksgiving isn't a holiday in Japan, and I don't have family here. My dad and stepmother did wish me well on the day.

I did have a meeting with the international school people finally, though, via Zoom, that morning. They finally officially offered me the job, and I signed some papers through PDF editing.

I need a little more information from them to feel like it's completely real.

I plan to send an email to my current boss giving her a few extra days on top of 90 days notice.

I mulled over telling her in person first, but honestly, having observed her as a person as much as I have, I think she will have an immediate emotional upset reaction followed by reasoning through it. And honestly, I don't want to be there for the emotional reaction. So I feel I'm justified in emailing her Friday after work.

There's a good chance I'll be seeing her on Saturday briefly anyway because I'm coming to their church's Christmas concert. Here's hoping that will inspire good will instead of annoyance.

I have to keep reminding myself that this had to have happened to her many times since starting this business.

I have to do what's right for me, even if I hate causing inconvenience.

Fandom Updates

I complain about never getting to talk about fandom stuff, but it's largely because I can't think of effort posts to make. Here's a little list of stuff:

  • I'm participating in a Secret Santa exchange over on Beast's Lair. I finished the fic a while ago but might look over it one more time before it's revealed.
  • I'm also doing a Secret Santa on the SnowBaird discord server. I'm about 2/3rds of the way finished. Hoping to be finished before the weekend, but we'll see.
  • I am doing the [community profile] lyricaltitles Bingo and I might actually finish a row before the end of December.
  • Friend prompted me to start watching the Fallout show. I like it, even if it isn't the most groundbreaking thing that has ever been released. It's interesting to see the story in this format. I like Lucy, even if she feels like a stock character I would make in an RPG. Maybe that's why I like her.
  • I got said friend to start watching The Untamed with me, and he actually seems to enjoy it. It's nice when both my best friends kinda like the same stuff with me. Feels less lonely.

    I really want to do something in Untamed/MDZS fandom, but I don't quite know where to begin.
prixmium: (Default)
Writing is a lonely prospect these days. I remember when LiveJournal made it easy to feel like there was a community around writing for a fandom or a ship, even if it was small. It tended to lead to greater creativity because it didn't feel like screaming into a void.

These days, I'm tempted to post my stuff here, but I feel like most people who read my blog as very general fellow bloggers, so I wonder if I should make a little quarantine community for it to separate the fandomy posting of fic from the general rambling about life and stuff. But then I wonder if that's just keeping any eyeballs from the fic that would've otherwise been on it.

This was a conversation people were having on reddit earlier, too, to which I contributed.
prixmium: (skyeward - untidy)
Tomorrow and today are fuzzy concepts for me in the dark. I like that feeling, except where it comes to how it impacts my relationship to work. It's been even more pronounced since I started working afternoon and evening. In some ways, this agrees with my body clock. However, when I first came back to Japan, my natural jet-lagged cycle from home meant that I was consistently waking up VERY early in the morning, wide-awake, and would have a few hours, a nap, and then work. That was awesome, honestly.

Then, I got sick early on. Just a virus or whatever the clung on for a few weeks after new germs at all that. Weirdly, the cough hung on until a single dose of herby Chinese medicine powder by boss gave me that didn't taste that bad and seemed to work a miracle or be a hell of a coincidence.

Anyway, since I got sick, I have slumped back into my "only being awake to eat and work" habit sometimes. Kinda sucks.

I keep telling myself that when summer finally starts to relent next month that maybe it will be better. It's hard to want to get up and be active outside my apartment when I feel like I'm being pan-fried the minute I step into the sun.

After a week or so without working but being in Japan, I feel like I've been 2.5 different people. I like who I am today. I just wonder if it will stick.

See, today, I am actually missing being close enough in on the edge of fandom to touch creativity from time to time. I am curious and interested in reading and learning more and doing more than the bare minimum.

I'm just terrified that after my shift at work on Monday, it will all crawl back into a hole until December.

My best friend has gone through a bit of a hellish personal drama over the past 24 hours, going through all stages of grief and rage while trying to get Dragon Age Origins to work on Windows 11. Even our/my tech supportiest friend seemed to think it might be nearly a lost cause, but finally through the three of us bashing our heads against reddit and nexusmods, we were able to come up with something that crystallized into a solution in her mind. She feels much better now, and so do I, because her talking about it also made me want to play again at some point and it was sad to think that Windows 11 was completely incompatible with modding it at all!

Most recently, she has also gotten me into Chinese yaoi or whatever it's called (danmei?).

I watched the "Heaven Official's Blessing" or TCGF "anime" with her. (Again, it has a different name because it's Chinese but it's similar in art style and format to anime.)

Right now, we're watching the TV show that gets translated as "The Untamed" or MDZS.

With the new friend-or-whatever I've made in Japan, I've been watching Steins;Gate again. He seems to be genuinely invested.

So yeah, I really hope I can be creative a bit more often and not feel like my insides are made of white noise visuals and radio static sometimes. Does anyone know what that particular emotion is? It's hard to define. It's both physical and emotional. Weirdness.
prixmium: (skyeward - untidy)
one half of genshintwt: They (characters depicted as having the agency of young adults) are literal children!!! (scolding about porn of said characters)

the other half of genshintwt: The official birthday art is making adult characters look like children!!!

Like, the latter one may have some legs to stand on if some of what's being said about artists they've hired is true, but the in-game models aren't changing, and I wish everyone would calm down.
prixmium: (good omens - competence)
So I finished rewatching Season 1 of Stargate SG-1. Started yesterday evening and have been up all damn night again.

talk of medication )

But anyway, yeah I finished SG-1's first season, and I am filled with Jack/Daniel feelings.

I really want to write a fic or two for them, but for some reason I have been hung up on the fact that I cannot figure out exactly when or where I'd set it. Of course, anything I wrote would by its very nature be a canon-divergent AU, so why should it matter?

But I have been getting very stuck on needing the context and justification of everything to be perfect.

Fandom-trauma is a thing I guess.

I just really want to write a short but believable shippy story for them that doesn't treat it like it's just... easy.

Thinking about doing it for this challenge among other things, but I would need a stable sort of concept first that would be the appropriate size.

I really want to stop giving myself novel-length premises just because I feel the need to defend my story like a lawyer in court.
prixmium: (Default)
Utilized Netflix to watch the first half of Stargate SG-1 S1E1 in the background tonight. It isn't new to me. Especially the first few seasons of SG-1, I spent a lot of time with during like my first year of college.

Recently, I have been trying to articulate why I don't really binge watch things or try new things very often. I think it has two distinct tracks that may be somewhat parallel.

The first is that I rarely get completely over a fandom. Once I invest at all, I care about it, even if it fades into a background sort of nostalgia. Also, often I feel like when I move on to a new main special interest, there is something I have left unfinished with a previous interest. I always am looking back down the aisle of my own past, and I want to revisit things that made me feel good at the time.

It sucks knowing that the more things enter my life, even in terms of media, the less likely I will be to go back and pick up those loose ends. Occasionally, an idea for a fic or something will not leave me alone, and I cannot really "move on" until something is done.

That's less and less true, though, and it scares me.

I guess it's rare for me to super-actively participate in "public" fandom as often in terms of it being an interactive thing. I think that's true for a lot of people. And having a fandom of two or three is perfectly valid and often a healthier thing to do. Nevertheless, I find myself seeking an audience, acknowledgment, validation, because it's extremely hard to get in any other way, especially now.

The other thread of things that makes it extremely difficult for me to "pick up" something new is that I have to feel like the "fandom" is at least not virulently ugly OR that I will be fairly content holding it to my chest. Being stuck in that middle ground is something that I find myself in all too often, and it sucks a lot. I said to [personal profile] popkin16 earlier that if I'm going to make a leap, I want to know there's a trampoline or a set of pillows at the bottom.

In revisiting Stargate, I always think of LiveJournal. I think that might be because it was the fandom I was last active in on LJ. It's really interesting to me that while Stargate has retained fans for years, its fandom really never made the jump to modern social media.

Thinking about it now, I almost wonder if it's because of its highly militarized setting. Even I have developed this flinch response with regard to military and law enforcement being accidentally or intentionally propagandized in media. Still, I think that sometimes it is that the backdrop of something is not necessarily its whole meaning, and I can't be concerned with the ethics of a 20 year old show.

It's very weird how the first episode was TV-MA because they made Sha're get buck ass naked but then the show extremely dialed back from any of that ever again to the point that years ago when I was watching it on the family TV my mom gave me The Look when the topic of spending the night with a date came up for Sam or something. I remember this very lifestyle Christian but not ultra-conservative just quite-conservative family I stayed with on one of those weird vacations I had as a child watching SG1 as a family.

Early Installment Extreme Weirdness.

To be gossipy you gotta wonder if Michael Shanks and Bandera (woman whose name I can't remember right now) would have a baby together if she'd kept her clothes on. Not shaming just being glib.

There is something about the aesthetic, especially in the scene I paused on where Jack takes Daniel home once they're back in Colorado, that feels like an anchor and that I could just step into the TV and know a world I once lived in but which is gone. Told another friend earlier that I almost wish I could for, like, a week, have a trial period of what it would have been like to be an adult during the time I was a child.

I feel a lot like my adulthood or ability to ever have one that isn't just stress and grief has been and is actively being stolen from me.

I can't even get a job at a grocery store right now, despite everyone shaming you for not "taking whatever job you can get" and the staffing crisis because, hey, maybe people can't afford to basically pay to go to work when they're already broke!

Maybe I should start personally journaling about episodes of stuff I watch here. That's what we all used to do.

I am profoundly lonely, and I miss my mom a lot which leads to a lot of other nostalgia. Sudden ruptures of those momentary sense memories of being a little kid in the mid-90s.

Scrolling online doesn't fix the lonely. But neither does anything IRL right now and it's driving me a bit crazy.

I looked up some advice on how to cope with the stir-craziness that comes from trying to be a halfway responsible human right now and most of the articles were dated from March and April of last year. Which I get why. It's a top result because it has the most clicks. But it just makes me wonder if people have stopped even trying to kid themselves, either by throwing caution to the wind and going back to 100% normality or by just lying on the floor groaning like I feel like doing most of the time.

One thing that I notice is that almost every suggestion that I haven't tried involves one of two things I don't have:

1) more money than I have to spend freely

2) kids

Not even one's own kids but just this concept that most people have kids in their lives, and I don't. Unlike a lot of my millennial peers I actually miss it, and I furthermore think about how again this season of time is basically eliminating the future possibility of my having the choice to have any.

Also, my sleep cycle is completely ruined. More than usual. Ew.
prixmium: (skyeward - untidy)
As mentioned in my previous post, I sort of fell off the wagon of doing anything when I started working again back in January. If I do any more catching up, it'll be out of order, but I just had a thought that I should do this and connecting it to the Snowflake Challenge gives me the opportunity to add it to a list of other similar posts. I plan to keep this as something I can update in an ongoing fashion, though.

This post is intended to be a wishlist or a prompt list for myself or anyone else who happens upon it and wants to do something for me and take inspiration. If you do make something from a prompt on this list, please gift it to me on AO3 or let me know here or something!

Fics I wish existed



Hancock (2008)



I really like this movie, and it's one of the few superhero or speculative fiction movies my father likes. He watched it again on the night that I am writing this post, and it got me to thinking that i needed to write this down for this post.

Wish #1: There is one good-looking fic from Yuletide 2019 I have yet to read that deals with this, but I just so much want content about Hancock, Ray, and Mary falling into a healthy polyamorous relationship. Ray was so clearly smitten with Hancock, and he and Aaron were so traumatized in the second-to-last scene of the film. He was losing both Mary and Hancock at once, and he picks up a fire axe and is heroic himself as a mere mortal, and I love it so freaking much. Just! More! And I guess maybe them dealing with Ray and Aaron being mortal while, if Hancock and Mary stay away from each other except for periodic visits, they don't.

Wish #2: It's canon that Hancock's name isn't Hancock. Who was he before? There is an eagle motif and we know they're about 3000 years old. Beyond that, what? I know for a fact he's not Zeus. Zeus was an even bigger asshole than Hancock. So what are our other options?

Wish #3: This whole... freaking... mythology is so cool and I can't believe that this thing didn't get franchised and done to death. In a way, I'm grateful, but like this could be fused with other fandoms or used for soulmate AUs so much. These superhuman creatures created in pairs for whom it's physics that they become ordinary humans if they are close to each other for long. Mary claims that all the others died with their partners long ago, but she hesitates, and we know she lied about other things to protect both Hancock and herself. What if she was lying about that? And if not, I want to know more about the others before they perished. She even calls Hancock's tendency to be heroic above and beyond the others "the insurance policy of the gods" and that's just so romantic and argh. I love it. Gimme.




More to come on this post if and when I think of it! Last Updated: February 16, 2020
prixmium: (skyeward - untidy)
Taken from [personal profile] sodium_amytal

Rules: Bold your fic preferences because why not, gotta choose one.

Slow burn or love at first sight
Fake dating or secret dating
Enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers
Oh no there’s only one bed or long distance with correspondence
Fantasy au or modern au
Smut or fluff
Mutual pining or domestic bliss
Alternate universe or future fic
One shot or multi-chapter
Kid fic or road trip fic
Reincarnation or character death
Arranged marriage or accidental marriage
High school romance or middle aged romance
Time travel or isolated together
Neighbors or roommates oh my god they were roommates
Sci-fi au or magic au
Bodyswap or genderbend
Angst or crack
Apocalyptic or mundane
prixmium: (hamilton - write your way out)
Challenge #3

Pimp Your Favorite Communities, Fests or Challenges! Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

What makes fandom more fun is when more people get involved. Tell us where the party is. Or, if you’re stuck in a rut yourself and looking for things to get you out of it, peruse your fellow participant’s posts and see where they go. You never know where you might find your next fandom squee play place!


I'm more a follower than a leader when it comes to these types of things, but I'll try.

[community profile] lands_of_magic


I wish I could be more involved, but I really enjoy [community profile] lands_of_magic. Click the image below to sign up! I really loved the concept of a landcomm when I joined one before LJ fell to the wayside for the segments of fandom I was in. While I haven't interacted as much as I could have, doing these from time to time has been a great way for me to not feel like I have done nothing while I've been facing a general inability to write fic/participate in fic exchanges for the past six months or so. There are a large variety of challenges and often several ways to complete the challenges. In order to stay an active member once you join, you only have to complete two challenges per round (a period of several months), so it is pretty low-pressure and what-you-make-it. It also went on a hiatus between this round and the previous one and actually came back! So that's a vote of confidence.

If you choose to sign up tell them I ([personal profile] prixmium) referred you, please. ♥



[community profile] npt_admin



In the past, I have really enjoyed participating in Not Primetime (administrative posts at [community profile] npt_admin. I wasn't able to participate this past year, and it looks like it's possible that it will be a fest instead of an exchange next year. I've always enjoyed it because often my fandoms are somewhat too big for Yuletide but aren't megafandoms either, and that's the niche this exchange is meant to fill.

[community profile] chocolateboxcomm and [community profile] trickortreatex



If I'm not mistaken both [community profile] chocolateboxcomm and [community profile] trickortreatex are run by the same fan/mod? If any case, they are both similar exchanges. They have a word-count minimum at only 300 words and don't have fandom restrictions unless it's just poor-taste author veto, I assume. Chocolate Box's sign-ups are open now! Trick or TreatChocolate Box focuses on relationships primarily, be they gen or shippy, Trick or Treat has an element that you are going for a treat (something sweet, fluffy, or happy) or a trick (something with darker themes) and you can specify what you do or don't want with regard to that. The tiny word count is meant to encourage treat fics (in the sense of extra fics based on prompts that speak to you), so I think it's a great way to build your "portfolio" if you want while participating in the fannish community.

prixmium: (tardis)
Challenge #2

In your own space, talk about your fannish history.


I have done this a dozen times before, and I have a tendency to ramble and give a lot of details that make the substance get lost in the experience. This time, because I would like to work on rambling less and because I would like to both sleep and have time to do anything else tonight, I have decided that maybe I will do a sort of bullet point list!


  • ☙ Fandom started for me when I began to be really invested in the fact that, despite the dub's kid-friendly editing, Sailor Moon had a continuing story sometimes. I was aware of the fact that grown-up tv shows could have that, but here was something with fantastical elements and dramatic stakes that appealed to me as a child. I was hooked, and it was around this time that I began to get my very first inklings as to the fact that the internet existed. I started to sometimes search "Sailor Moon" and find GeoCities websites and things like that.
  • ☙ I got into several other stories in a fandom-y way after that. The next one I recall was maladaptive daydreaming that I did about a Digimon Adventure alternate universe that involved a lot of one-blanket-scenario developed sexual tension and incestuous thoughts and love triangles and sacrifices that proved love and stuff like that, all to the B-Side of the Lion King soundtrack tape because it was the first time I was really aware that I enjoyed soundtrack music.
  • ☙ One of the first things I shipped in live action was the boy and girl from a movie I owned called The Amazing Panda Adventure.



    This movie came out in 1995 when I would have been four years old. I am sure it was a year or two before I had it because I had it on VHS. But anyway, as you can see in the clip these two kids have a sort of "you're an idiot"/"you're naive" belligerent tension which I was apparently into even back then. It's so weird because these kids are obviously very young, but given that I was even younger, I guess I perceived them as being solidly preteens even though I am not even sure they're that old now. But anyway through the movie they go through this adventure to save the panda cub and to get back to their adults, and it is a sort of coming of age story. It's been years since I watched it in full, but it made an impression on me about how as they grew to respect and care for each other that they were also having these brief moments of sort of realization of themselves as organisms that could even possibly experience attraction.

    There is a scene in it where they fall into some water that is full of leeches, and in their panic they strip off all their clothes so as to get the leeches off their bodies. Then they realize they're naked/in their underwear and hide in the brush and have to do something or other so as to give each other privacy to cover up somehow before thy can move on. I was looking this up and found the CommonSense Media page about it and it had some parent reviewer going "I don't know why that was necessary." But as a child who was a bit precocious in becoming sexually/romantically aware, I guess I kind of understood it to be one of those formative moments of sort of becoming self-aware in that way. It isn't lurid or lewd, but it is something that seemed relatable to me as a child.

    Like I said, whether it was based on a mental health issue or not, I was a bit precocious in becoming interested in such things, and at the time I didn't realize how young they were or how young I was. But a part of me, looking back even now, kind of wants to imagine that they stay in touch or reconnect later in life and fall in love when they're appropriately capable of doing so.
  • ☙ I started to learn how to write prose by myself, writing fanfiction about Sailor Moon in my free time in second grade. It was like a code-breaking exercise to realize that the things I was learning about punctuation and spelling could be used in this way. That was the banner year when I stopped despising learning to write and spell, though it wouldn't fully settle in until I started being home-schooled.
  • ☙ When I started being home-schooled in fourth grade, my aunt opted to try home-schooling her son as well. His older sister had become pregnant when she was just shy of eighteen and her boyfriend was fifteen. Columbine had just happened. It was sympathetic that my aunt wanted to try. But ultimately, I was home-schooled while my cousin was just corralled at home and encouraged to read because his mother simply wasn't equipped to be a home-schooling teacher.

    As a result, he started to spend a lot of his time playing Unreal Tournament online. Back then everyone had dial-up, so it started to really frustrate me because he was one of the few peers I had whom I could call during the day since we were both at home, and it tied up the phone-line. Between him and the last crush I claimed during third-grade whom I still talked to on the phone from time to time but also found was tying up the line with the internet connection a lot, I got AOL Instant Messenger. This allowed me to talk to them some.
  • Shounen Jump came out in America in 2004, shortly after I started using AIM. My cousin bought the first two issues, and I borrowed them to read the YuGiOh manga. Then I kept borrowing them until finally, after he had thoroughly decimated the covers by using them as mousepads when playing Unreal, my cousin simply gave the issues to me because he had read everything he wanted to read in them and I clearly had much more interest in constantly revisiting them. I started to read YuYu Hakusho as well as it was the only other thing that really caught my interest (tried Naruto and One Piece at different times and didn't like them, though I don't recall if both of those were featured in the original issues in the US).
  • ☙ I was disappointed still that my cousin was always busy with being online. At some point, he referred me to the AIM screenname of a girl he had met on GameFAQs who happened to be much more into YYH than he was, even though he liked it. I set about trying to break the ice and talk to her, but she didn't really believe me about my intentions, so she pretended to after several efforts on my part to start talking to her. Then she invited me into a group chatroom with some of her more consistent friends from GameFAQs and they set about trying to trip me up and catch me in a lie to find out I was an older man or boy trying to creep on the girl. That didn't happen, and instead I met two of my first really enduring online friends in that chatroom even though I never did manage to become friends with that girl. One of those people I had to give up eventually due to his hostility related to mental health issues and misanthropy, but one of them I am still friends with to this day.
  • ☙ The next big leap for me was getting into reading books instead of watching the anime that was available in the American dub market and reading manga. Harry Potter was first becoming big when I was in third grade, but it took a few years to reach saturation. [personal profile] toxictsukino got really into Harry Potter at some point, but I couldn't do so because my parents while not necessarily hyper-conservative themselves are middlingly conservative and would listen to the hand-wringing of the crazy types who hated anything that was more complex or dark than Mickey Mouse for children's entertainment. They were super suspect of something that blatantly called its magic "witchcraft." So I couldn't really get into HP, but [personal profile] toxictsukino recommended Artemis Fowl to me, too. And so that became the next-best thing.
  • ☙ One of those online friends I made that I mentioned earlier suggested The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy for me, which also became super formative in terms of helping to carve the niche into my brain that helped me to enjoy British absurdism that never quite tipped over the ugly nihilism line.
  • Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith came out in theaters in 2005. Before that, I had seen Star Wars: The Phantom Menace several times at a neighbor's house, but I didn't understand what Star Wars even was. She tried to explain it to me based on her grandfather's explanation, but I thought that she was talking pure nonsense when she told me that Anakin and Padme would get married one day based on the smile they shared in the sort of triumphant final scene (I'm sure her grandfather had helped her understand this but it was lost on me). Mostly she was into the character of Padme, so we just watched those scenes over and over. AOTC came out and went without my ever hearing a word about it. But then one day my cousin (the older sister of the aforementioned one) offered to take me with her and her oldest son (the one conceived while she was in high school) to see it. And thus I was hooked on Star Wars and specifically the prequel trilogy for a couple of years after that. I bonded with another cousin of mine over it.

  • Star Wars fixation stuck around for several years until I started attending public high school in tenth grade (2006-2007 school year). I didn't stop liking it because of anything internal. Rather, it was because starting school again after being free of its social pressures as a home-schooled student for so long were exhausting to me. Then I met and began my short-lived relationship with my abusive ex, and one of the first things he used to get to me was the fact that I was carrying a Star Wars book around with me for the first few weeks of school before I gave up on ever completing it. During that first semester, I completed my first fanvid which still exists in all its less than 240p glory:



    TBH I know it's rough and forced in parts, but a part of me is still actually kind of proud of it. If nothing else, it represents a sort of understanding of themes and a retention of material that I think I don't have anymore, probably due to lack of practice.

    Anyway, Star Wars as an interest kind of dried up for me a little bit at a time and then all at once due to depression setting in because of what I was going through in real life. Then it just didn't matter anymore and was somewhat soured by association. Then came...
  • Doctor Who. Doctor Who was recommended to me by the online friend whom I had to eventually give up contact with due to aforementioned issues. He happened to be British, and so he had the context to be excited when the revival came out in 2005. I had heard him talk about it for a bit, but I had a very fuzzy and inaccurate understanding of what it was about. (I think I assumed it was somehow about science fiction and medicine.) But then one day during the Christmas Break of that awful first year back in public high school, I saw a marathon of the show on. The first day, I didn't know what to think about it, but they must have been doing a lot of Doctor Who that week because it was when they were like first able to show Series 2 in the US or something? And slowly it slotted into place as something that gave me hope where I had utterly lost it. And Doctor Who is still an intense recurring interest for me because I feel like it gave me a lifeline where I had none. It was also the first fandom that I participated in actively on LiveJournal and when I started to understand the ins and outs of fandom culture as it existed at the time. I had dabbled in the periphery of being a voice in fandom since 2003 (when I was twelve) and made my first fanfiction.net account to comment on fics with and gradually started writing my own, but I feel like DW was the first one where I felt I was "in a fandom" while knowing what that meant.
  • Stargate SG-1 was big for me but mostly in the sense that it was the first thing I got into that didn't seem to hyper-idealize youth. I still like it a lot, but I also feel like I still haven't played out my feelings on the series to their full potential. I revisit it sometimes, but it is really sad to me that some of the heyday of that fandom is becoming lost to the sands of internet time and Russian LiveJournal.
  • ☙ At some point early in my senior year, I finally joined anime club. I had bailed on it when I started to a couple of years before, as I mentioned in another post incidentally tonight. But I didn't join out of any particular love for anime at the time. I was really only into the anime that I had always been into, and I hadn't picked up a new anime or manga in years. But I wanted to go to Katsucon with them that February just as a sort of affordable likeminded peer field trip. The anime club were nerds in other ways, lots of them were LGBT, and they were just gentle. I wasn't completely sure that I was bi at the time and waffled on it, but I knew at the very least that I was an ally, and I just liked being around a handful of people I knew from anime club. So when I started attending, one of the things they were screening at club meetings were the original like less-than-five-minute sometimes shorts of Axis Powers Hetalia. It's sort of cringey at this point, but that fandom is where I met my best friend on a one-on-one roleplaying matching website. And it helped me to conceptualize some stuff I was learning about history and was the only time I ever really cared about the Olymics, so there's that.
  • Merlin, the BBC series, was also a big moment for me in terms of fandom. It was one of the first things that taught me that it was okay to be critical of a property (there are aspects of Merlin that are just silly, bad, or hilariously low-budget) while also loving it a lot. It and SG-1 were the fandoms that I was into when I jumped ship from LJ to tumblr, I remember. The Chronicles of Narnia was also somewhere in there, particularly because I got into that narrative through the movies and would have no love for the books at all without them even though I think I generally admire some of the other things C.S. Lewis thought or did. But gosh check my Narnia tag if you wanna go into all that.
  • ☙ Going into college, my fandoms were mostly a sort of cycle of fandoms I already had for a while. The next big ones to come along waited a few years and were: the MCU and the Marvel universe in general via also liking X-Men: First Class a lot (more than Thor or Captain America TFA which also came out that year). I got into The Hunger Games first because Jennifer Lawrence had been in XMFC and was going to be Katniss, but upon reading the books I decided that Katniss was pretty miscast even though the movies aren't awful anyway.
  • ☙ The next big game-changer in terms of my fandom behavior was getting into Portal, the videogame. I played it just to mind-blank or to have something of small mental stimulation when I was too depressed to engage with other interests. Then I started making myself go for walks most days, trying to get back into some shape, and I found that as I listened to certain music, I was preoccupied with Chell and the worldbuilding that was within the game. I made a post about it on tumblr, a GLaDOS rp and ask blog replied, and I ended up making a Chell RP account. I'm still weirdly invested in Portal, and while I don't quite like how much of an The Office (UK) fusion it is on the Stephen Merchant fandom end of things, Blue Sky is still just the gold standard for what I wish I could contribute to fandom and holds up easily against any YA book I have ever read.
  • ☙ At the time of writing this, it is hard to think of any other big game-changers for me in terms of fandom. Since then, I have kind of known what I was about, even as I pingponged around the above-listed fandoms in cycles and learned to take on new ones. It is hard to think of any others that feel like they really moved me to feel differently about the experience except possibly The Expanse which just feels big and (no pun intended or is it) expansive and dark but emotionally not-nihilistic. And the mountains the fandom moved to save the show from cancellation are just one of those chef's-kiss inspiring moments of fandom not being full of Anti rhetoric and sucking really hard.


I probably haven't mentioned every fandom I like or have been interested in above, but that's sort of the shape of how I came to be here now.


Forgot this bit yesterday:

prixmium: (rose tyler - series 1 pink)
From this list.

The two moments I’ll never forget in my life are… Describe them in great detail, and what makes them so unforgettable.

1. One thing I really strongly remember that is sort of a series of moments is the day when I started having more personal contact with the person who became my short-lived but very emotionally and coercively sexually abusive boyfriend in high school. I have this one day that I regret, and I often wonder how my life may have been differently if I had done something differently.

For some reason, perhaps because I had been sick or needed to miss class for a doctor's appointment or something, I had to stay after school to make up a Spanish quiz or test. I did so, and I was new to the school that year, and so I was really interested in plugging in with a club. I had tried drama club, but I was too afraid to do that because it required getting up really early on weekends sometimes, and I was already very tired and unaccustomed to getting up early. But anime club seemed reasonable, even though I hadn't been super into anything but nostalgic anime from my childhood for some time.

I finished my Spanish quiz, but it was before I had a cellphone, so I had prearranged to have my mother come pick me up a full hour after the end of school so I could drop into the anime club meeting after my quiz. It was right across the way from the classroom where I needed to be for making up my quiz. I found it, and I cracked open the door, and I stood there. And it was a crowded room at the time, and everyone was talking, but I couldn't really make heads or tails of what they were doing that day. When I finally did start going to anime club, it was a bit better-organized, but that day I was too shy to just finally push my way into the room and just act like I belonged there or find someone to ask.

Instead, I retreated, feeling defeated and alone, and went tearfully out to wait for my mom on the steps for the next forty minutes. I remember the wind and the sort of mild but gray day outside. And he was standing there waiting for his family to pick him up, too. I forget why he was there. Probably detention. But the thing was that at the time I sort of saw him as an underdog and a misfit much the way I felt like I was at the time rather than seeing that the reason people were put off by him was because he was dangerous.

It's a vivid series of flashes of pivotal decisions that I could have made differently, and I'm not sure if they will ever go away.

2. Another moment I remember really strongly has to do with online experience. I remember it was February, and one of my close friends and I had been participating in Fate fandom since the middle of the previous year. Sometime around December and January, she and I both became active on a forum about it. For months, we had this shared-headcanon universe that we wiled away the hours at our respective office jobs texting about during lulls. And we had sort of had this hypothetical division of primary subjects and labor, but we intended to write interconnected-universe fanfiction basically. And she started hers first while I started a different project, because I wanted to give her that because she was less experienced writing prose than I was. And she got a few chapters into it, and it was really good, but then one day she got this longer-than-the-chapter-itself diatribe from a user on the website about how ridiculously historically inaccurate this... mage wedding was...

And I just remember being in my dad's truck. He had given me a ride to a doctor's appointment or something, and I was waiting in the parking lot while he went into a store without me. And I was scrolling on my phone, and from the moment I saw that comment, I just knew that something had fundamentally changed. I knew that the moment she saw it, it would dishearten her, but a part of me knew that it meant the rest of those fics were never getting written and that what we had shared together was going to unravel because of this guy's outside influence. And I could say a lot more, but the short version is that I was right.
prixmium: (reylo - i saw you trun)
Allusions to spoilers for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker though I have not actually seen the movie.

So over the past couple of days I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping at correct hours, which sucks because prior to the past week I had been doing alright given the jetlag. It's almost like I get reverse-jetlag actually. I start work on Monday and it is almost 4:00 A.M. but here I am?

I have been spending a lot of time watching commentary youtube stuff, particularly Jenny Nicholson, whom I had heard of before but hadn't yet watched. Even though there are a few glaring instances where I disagree with her about something, I just so much relate to her approach to commentary and the way she interacts with the whole concept of fandom. A lot of her content is about Star Wars, and while it really hasn't been my "main fandom" since just before I discovered Doctor Who, I was really invested in The Last Jedi (and reylo, but just it as a movie).

I still haven't seen The Rise of Skywalker, and I have pretty much resigned myself to either not seeing it at all in theaters or waiting until all the fuss as slowed to a trickle or it ends up at the second-run theater. And it sucks a lot, because in the week prior to the week of release, it was something I was looking forward to. And then the shit hit the fan.

I'm learning more and more that just staying off twitter is actually better for my mental health, but because it is an access to a lot of material that just doesn't end up on websites like this one, and a lot of my friends refuse to jump ship to something like this, I always end up going back. At least for a time it felt "safer" than tumblr, but it seems like a lot of the infection that overtook tumblr discourse just took a while to make it to the microblogging medium.

I usually don't avoid spoilers very judiciously because, in general, I don't really feel disappointed by being spoiled. It doesn't detract from the experience for me, and if anything being aware of unfortunate things beforehand helps me to rationalize my way through them or at least brace myself before I watch something. They're content warnings of a sort. But on the day of the premiere before the wide release date, just after I had returned from Japan, I remember seeing the reylo folks I follow over on twitter almost immediately start posting unmarked spoilers or alluding to them very heavily at least. And that seems kind of rude, and I don't know if I missed a warning from them, but that's neither here nor there. Even if I had wished to avoid spoilers, I certainly didn't know that I needed to do it before Thursday of that week.

And every reylo person I followed seemed to just drag themselves in, absolutely exhausted.

And it isn't just the way the reylo "arc" basically terminated, became canon, and didn't matter in TROS all at once. It is a lot of other things, too.

And I basically began belatedly to try to just keep myself away from spoiler sources, but everywhere I went there was just no consideration to even warn for them, and so I just gave up. And honestly, it was less the spoilers themselves that bothered me than the fact that every single person I saw who was having an emotional reaction was having a negative one.

There were two notable exceptions. I know that one person on my reading page here was pleased with it, and one of my friends I text with loved it. And the latter said that she could see why some people would have an issue with it but that she felt like that some reylos in particular might have had unrealistic expectations and she would take what she got. But almost everyone seems let down, whether they were into reylo or finnpoe or something else or no ship at all.

And this whole video I am about to share by Jenny Nicholson manages to be funny while succinctly explaining a lot of what is wrong with the movie. There are like 20 things on her list, and yet I had somehow managed to become aware of all of them before deciding to just settle in for the right.

I felt the need to talk about my own emotional malaise that has come from having my expectations and hopes dashed before I was even able to go to see the film myself, even had I gone on opening night which I had elected not to do, and also to bring it back to something Jenny says in her video.

She says something to the effect that any franchise ending can have a lot riding on it but that one of the worst things that can happen is that the culmination of everything causes the audience to feel embarrassed or regretful about the fact that they were even looking forward to it in the first place. And that is a sense that I am getting from everyone's responses. I'm not even getting into the fact that it seems just soul-crushing to watch the cast get upset about the way they were treated both by the fans and by bad or at the very least inconsistent writing decisions. No one is happy or satisfied except those who manage to Pollyanna their way through scraps, though I am obviously making a generalization. Everyone got a lot of answers to questions and a few things they wanted but with no emotional payoff and not enough of anything anyone wanted.

There was talk of hope at the end of the last movie, and I feel like most people's hopes were just kind of burned out. It is a downer ending that seems to invalidate the momentum of the sequel trilogy and to reach its hands into the original trilogy and even the prequel trilogy to sort of snuff out any candle anyone held for those things mattering, too.

From all reports, it does seem like Jenny is right in her assessment that J.J. Abrams had an opinion about what he wanted Episode 8 to look like, but then he didn't do Episode 8. And when he came back to do Episode 9, it was like he decided to barely glance at what had been done in Episode 8 and discard anything that he wouldn't have done himself including the entirety of Rose's character. He just decided he would jam whatever he wanted to do with 8 into the front-end of 9 and then somehow manage to pretend he was writing the culmination to the story that was already there.





Anyway this video amused me and spoke to some of my deep frustrations with what happened before my eyes without my dragging myself to the theater to participate in a "cultural moment" that basically just seemed to be filled with rage and disappointment.

In the past, I always thought identifying as "a reylo" was weird. I don't know when it entered fandom parlance to describe oneself as the ship name of the ship you like. But the Rise of Anti Culture surrounding reylo itself makes me feel like I kind of understand why one would start to identify as a reylo out of a sense of solidarity.

Sometime after TLJ came out, I was dipping my toes into reylo content on tumblr. At the time, I was blissfully unaware of just how deep the rabbit hole went with how dismissive and outright cruel the Anti Reylos could be. I started to write a reylo fic that I actually had an outline for at the time (which is a rarity for me). But then I posted one chapter and never updated it, I think even though I had actually written more, because it failed to get even a single comment on AO3. (Link to the listing because I don't want to ever click on that smug little fic again.)

That in itself would be discouraging, but there is the fact that to this very day the very top result for reylo fic, sorted by kudos, is a twelve word troll fic that is intended to basically Rick Roll reylos into feeling bad about shipping their ship. And it has the top in terms of hits and kudos by such a large margin that it will probably always be there, ironic, cruel smiley face and all. And the fact is that the rise of the Anti movement such as it is was stoked very much from this very specific ship and the negative response to the very idea that people liked it and that, because some people liked it, it might become canon.

Well guess what? It did, but now NONE of us are actually satisfied.

A part of me is tempted, despite being spoiled to the point of absolutely no return, to hold off even more deliberately on seeing TROS and to just go back and try to dig that little fic I was trying to do more than a year ago now and see what I come up with. But it's just so disheartening to look at that freaking twelve-word juggernaut and to have it feel like my efforts are for nothing. I have been having a hard time writing anything at all lately. I haven't written a word since coming home from Japan, even though one of the main reasons I was looking forward to coming home was the notion of having time and enough sleep to write again. I'm just sad, and I really don't know how to help myself make it better.
prixmium: (ten x rose - windy white)
A lot of people have been doing decade in review posts, given that it is the end of the year and the decade. I'm honestly having a hard time recognizing that 2010 was the beginning of this decade and not 2001. I find that I have a relatively short-term conception of time, even though I feel like I'm ancient. I'm assuming that some of that is depression-brain, but I don't really know if there is more at play.

I remember very little about 2010. I think that it was one of the last years that LiveJournal was active enough to be worth using in my estimation. I remember campaigning for some of my friends to move here instead of to tumblr, but then I eventually caved after seeing a few really pretty gif edits. I made an account, and it took me a while to jump ship completely. I think the last big fandom for me on LiveJournal was Stargate SG-1, but by the time I moved to tumblr in March 2011, it was mostly Merlin with a dash of Narnia in there somewhere.

I had been into Doctor Who since 2007 or so, but it would always come and go in its importance.

The Merlin fandom still being active was the Age of Innocence in terms of my being a tumblr user who saw it as more good than harm to fandom. It was in the time immediately before SuperWhoLock took hold and its subsequent embarrassing fall.

2011 was also the year that I saw X-Men First Class and Thor. I had seen Iron Man and Iron Man 2, I think, but I saw both the aforementioned films when my best friend visited me IRL for the first time. Prior to that, I knew that comic book movies were becoming more popular, but I wasn't actually aware of the development of the MCU as a cohesive narrative or the efforts being made toward that. I loved Thor, but X-Men First Class stole my heart.

I made this fanvid about Loki before the entire "Avengers fandom" took hold. (I think of the "Avengers fandom" as being kind of different from the MCU fandom if that makes any sense?) It was sometime shortly after this that I stopped being able to work on fanvidding because the world moved on from Windows Movie Maker with a script extension and .avi. Recently, I have begun experimenting with trying again, but not with much direction or anything to show for it yet.

X-Men First Class was my introduction of Jennifer Lawrence. It was at that time that I was really experiencing my first and last season of being particularly enamored with the cast and crew of something. Learning that Michael Fassbender was likely not a very good man and seeing Jennifer Lawrence buy into her own press to the point of being apparently unable to take responsibility for anything and playing up her quirkiness to a point of blatant insincerity kind of blew up and burst the bubble for me. Since then, I have kind of avoided knowing too much about behind-the-scenes stuff when I am invested in a fictional franchise out of fear of it souring it for me. I don't think I'll ever stop loving XMFC, though.

Learning about Jennifer Lawrence and enjoying her performance as Raven | Mystique (which she later apparently came to resent so much which also upsets me) led me to be interested in the fact that she had been chosen to portray Katniss Everdeen in the upcoming film adaptation of The Hunger Games. I had heard of The Hunger Games and at that particular point had not quite lost my high-school habit of reading all the time even though I was a couple of years into college. I had seen posts on tumblr about being one of the very few people on the platform who had not read The Hunger Games and it being a sort of joke. It is weird to think about that kind of cohesive sense of neighborly unity within fandom or tumblr's userbase at this point in time.

I picked up the first book at Walmart after some hem-hawing about it around the holidays. I blazed through it and remember buying the second and/or third books before Christmas break was over. I remember anticipating March 2012 intensely. I went to the midnight premiere with a girl I was in an art class with at the time that I took just-because at my university. She and I had gone to high school together, and she had been a cheerleader who dated boys constantly. I remember talking to her that night and various things came up including the fact that I was probably bi. At the time, she still insisted that she was probably straight. Within a year, she had moved to a slightly larger city, become a Hooters girl, and married a woman. (Maybe marrying her took a little longer, but still.) As far as I know, they're still married.

I don't know anyone personally anymore on a local level. Everyone either left, moved on, or both.

The Hunger Games as a movie was... okay. I remember thinking that they were very faithful to the first couple of chapters of the book to the detriment of some of the worldbuilding and Peeta's characterization. It had a lot of heart put into it as an adaptation, but the shaky cam did not age well whatsoever, and I remember feeling that it was initially a triumph just in that it didn't blatantly suck. However, I felt like they basically spent too much of their time and energy on the establishing shots to the expense of everything else in the story, like they did it chronologically and were running out of zest for it by the last act of the film.

Nevertheless, being into that and seeing it go from a book fandom to a film fandom to virtual silence was interesting and sort of melancholy. I remember being really taken with the creativity of the fandom right at the juncture where trailers and promotional material were out but the film itself hadn't come out yet. There were fan films and parodies. There was also a lot of actually kind of "classy" marketing. I remember there being a series of China Glaze nail polishes of which I bought several. They were based on the, like, primary export of each of the Districts. And I remember discussions about how ironic the level of commercial marketing there was for the series was, given that we were basically being proven to "be the Capitol." By the time Catching Fire came out in theaters in 2013, I had drawn away from the fandom considerably because of the aforementioned disillusionment and the way in which the fandom seemed to sort of fizzle in my neck of the woods once the movies became a thing more than the books. I do remember there being another wave of commercial marketing, but this time all of the stuff was available at Walmart, and the cosmetics partnership was with CoverGirl. Not that this is a bad thing. If merchandise should be available to the primary audience, the fact that they did things that would be available at Walmart rather than only at mall stores and beauty supply shops was probably better-aimed in the end.

2012 was the year of The Avengers too. I remember making it to a showing in another city by the skin of my teeth. It is the last time I even remember trying to go to a local theater and finding that the film I wanted to see was sold out. I was disappointed enough that I bought a ticket in another city like 45 minutes away and drove there fast that Saturday and had to settle for being much closer to the screen than I prefer. But it felt like a cultural moment. Much like The Hunger Games, the film hasn't aged that well. But it felt like I was there, that showing up meant something. The whole thing with midnight showings of certain highly-anticipated blockbusters and it being a sort of thing for fans who bothered with extra perks has since given way to opening day just being Thursday for most big-tent productions, and that cheapens it somehow. It removes a bit more of the illusion that it is anything but a cash-grab, y'know.

I recall Agents of SHIELD coming out that year and rushing home from a local burger stand type place with a small sandwich and a big tea to watch the first episode. It... really didn't catch me from the first moment, because AOS has always had this way of not quite being what I expect it to be at first brush. And over time, that has actually endeared it to me more than the MCU proper much of the time, but again - I bothered to show up.

At some point during the post-Avengers 2012 era, I also got into Young Avengers and Matt Fraction's Hawkeye comic which remain the only western comics I've ever even tried to keep up with. I gave up on collecting the latter at some point, but I know that I own most of the main canon of the first run of YA... somewhere.

Looking at my old tumblr archive one thing that stands out to me is how my interests sort of bled into each other and didn't just suddenly cease back then. I think that this had to do with the fact that even though I was on tumblr almost every day, I didn't feel this never-ending pressure to keep up, and the tone of discourse was still different-enough that it didn't feel like doing anything was going to be stepping on a landmine. People still answered each other's questions rather than ignoring people in a way that made them feel all alone in fandom if they weren't "popular" and "pure" or devolving into screaming and harassment.

It is at this point that my memory becomes a bit fuzzy. And in this case, I don't even think it was because I was having a particularly brain-blanked period of time. I know that during 2013, I got really into Pacific Rim and that maybe it was just before that that Portal had taken an oddly prominent role in my life. For a little while, I was one of the most well-known Chell roleplayers and one of the longest-lived, though it eventually got to a point where no one would roleplay with me because I was... too good at writing, according to them. So I moved on to Raleigh Beckett for a while, but then someone in that fandom snapped my heart in two, and I guess that might be one reason it's hard to remember with any greater specificity.

And 2014 was the last year fandom on tumblr felt good in any way rather than just tolerable to bad. It was the year that Captain America: The Winter Soldier came out, and there was a brief resurgence of people trying to be actively social based on topics of interest with little "networks" and using private tumblrs that had only network-pages on their landing pages to chat with each other about common interests. Those quickly became little more tan excuses for people who had amassed some level of popularity to lord it over people, to make a pretty minimalist set of graphics, and to move on quickly, though. TWS was the last movie I remember having very low expectations of and coming out with my world just altered. And somehow it was at that midpoint of the decade when everything started to change in tone. Things became lonelier and darker. People started conflating political discourse and fandom discourse to the point that it was no longer a discussion about representation in mainstream media but one about entitlement.

And as I try to carry on, I could mention a few other fandoms that have come onto my radar since then. The Expanse and Arrow/the CW DCTV universe were somewhere in there. As were other less fandomy shows that I was briefly really into like Skins and Pretty Little Liars. But really, I am sort of running out of steam here, and it doesn't really feel like I am doing anything that momentous. All I know is that this decade feels like it has been two really separate eras of time for me: the one in which I was in university and discovering new things, albeit online rather than through nightlife and drug use, and the one where I was constantly bracing for impact and drawing away from being too involved with things lest I get hurt.

I kind of wonder if that had to do specifically with everything that getting into Fate/stay night and its fandom entailed, or if that was just a coincidence.

This article really sums up another of my laments better than I ever could: The Decade Fandom Went Corporate.

Oh, and we got our dog Charlie in 2011. He was named after Charles Xavier on my part, but my parents accepted it because my step-grandfather was named Charlie.

I started writing this post trying to see if there would be some eureka moment where I could take my fandom experiences of the past decade and help establish a coherent narrative that helped me to make any sort of statement about what the decade meant or the what the subsequent decade might mean. But I really can't. It's so fractured down the middle that any effort to continue with this seems meaningless. I can say that while fandom isn't my entire life, it has represented a large part of the accompaniment of my life when anything felt like it was going well. That sort of symbiotic, if parasocial relationship with a piece of media has always accompanied contentment, whether it was the source of it or something that ran alongside. And I guess that even though I still like things and occasionally get preoccupied with them, I no longer experience that kind of zest for anything. It feels like that and in many other things that I have cauterized myself against disappointment to a degree that nothing will feel like the first half of the decade did again in terms of hope or anything else.

And I guess that's it, then.
prixmium: (tardis)
So if you read my marathon of a rant previous-post, you know I am thinking about writing at least one of two Narnia fics that have been niggling in the back of my mind since I was probably about seventeen years old. (I'm 28 now for reference.)

I've also been talking about Doctor Who and a lot of other fandoms that have lay more-active than Narnia in my brain but still fairly untouched as far as my fic endeavors.

If one looks at my AO3 profile ([archiveofourown.org profile] Prix) one will see that I have a lot of one-shots for exchanges, a sudden burst of writing YuGiOh crack-taken-seriously fic that I may one day get back around to if I start watching YGOTAS and/or the actual series again, and several unfinished WIPs, particularly in the Fate fandom.

As far as the more-recent WIPs I have, I do have some hope of finishing them someday.

And yet it feels like I have this backlog of mental work to do, even when it is fun, that seems pretty insurmountable. I find that when I am conscious enough to do anything fandom-wise, I am almost always feeling pressured to be productive by an internal sense that I am running out of time.

I guess that one reason I would really like to go back and pull some of these ideas from back when I was seventeen out of the dust and give them my best shot is that it feels sort of like a linear dive back into my psyche. While what I would produce now is likely quite different from what I would have done a decade ago, it seems like it is better to have something to show for an idea than to try to "let it go" into the ether. I would like to have some kind of artifact for what I was thinking, and I feel like it might sort of defragment and unclog my brain to work on not only the Narnia stuff but just content for fandoms that I haven't visited in a while.

For a time, I felt sort of trapped in the Type Moon fandom, and my experiences with gatekeeper-type fans who were curative sticklers for lore except when they didn't like it kind of killed my fannish creative instinct, along with adulting stress, and I would really like to find my way back.
prixmium: (Default)
Edit: I originally put an Age Restriction notice on this post to provide a content warning, but it meant that it bugged out when users who weren't logged in tried to view it. Therefore, I am removing the content restriction as this is not actually NSFW and will put the warning in text here instead:

This post contains discussions of period-typical (1950s-ish) racism, Islamophobia, and xenophobia. It also contains discussion of my own religious beliefs and other such discourse-y topics.

So, I made two poster images for [community profile] lands_of_magic. The challenge was to make a poster for basically any fannish thing, and one of the suggestions was to make posters for fic one had never gotten around to writing. That was the prompt I chose, and for whatever reason the two fics-in-my-brain that presented themselves both had to do with Narnia. Both are concepts that I put quite a lot of thought into in high school. The only-about-Narnia one, I started writing sometime between the ages of 17 and 19, because I know I started it in high school, and I know I was still working on it sometimes very early on in university. Then something drew me away from it, and I lost touch with the person who was my sounding board about it, and I never finished it. The second was a fic that I never got around to writing but which was a crossover Narnia/Whoniverse fic about Susan Pevensie meeting Jack Harkness after her whole family died in the railway accident.

The images below the cut.

Read more... )

Anyway, in thinking about whether I would like to have a go at writing either of these again, of course I am thinking about a lot of Narnia-related things.

I don't think hearing people talk about HDM got me thinking about this? It just seems like it arose from something else, but who knows.

A disclaimer: I never actually finished reading the Narnia books. I bought them in high school after becoming invested in the two movies that were out at the time. I read them, but I honestly found those that hadn't been adapted into films very boring, and I knew from the internet the general shape of The Last Battle and naturally dreaded it. I think I got into the first bit of PJO at that point and forgot all about reading the Narnia books, bit by bit.

The texts of the Narnia books aren't that good. And so I really don't get what all the fuss is about anytime someone brings them up.

I think that there are completely valid criticisms that the books are, at times, racist and misogynistic. But you don't get the same kind of bile being risen up by other books of the time period and even from among the same circle of writers. People still unironically like LOTR. Maybe LOTR does gender a bit better, but the same accusations of racism could be leveled against them to my knowledge. Tolkein and Lewis were both men of their time. I am not saying that excuses their ignorance, but I guess I am saying that I think that ignorance plays a greater role than informed hatred a lot of the time in older texts.

I think it was on here that one of you said something about the Narnian texts maybe giving a Muslims a fair shake? If that was one of you I would like to hear what you have to say about it.

I suppose the reason that so many people get upset about Narnia is that it is pretty straightforward in its allegorical elements, but I don't think that it makes any sense to read it as a purely-allegorical text, anymore than Lord of the Rings is purely allegory about World War I.

Tolkein famously wrote:

“I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations, and always have done so since I grew old and wary enough to detect its presence. I much prefer history – true or feigned– with its varied applicability to the thought and experience of readers. I think that many confuse applicability with allegory, but the one resides in the freedom of the reader, and the other in the purposed domination of the author.”


And I think that, in that respect, the fact that Narnia is so directly applicable to Christianity probably doesn't mean that it is intended as a sneaky tool-of-indoctrination. I would have to do a lot more research about Lewis than I have just absorbed through osmosis, but I guess my first intuitive counter to that criticism of the books is that I really don't think children of 1950s England needed any help being indoctrinated by cultural Christianity. And, in fact, the Narnian narrative - if taken as religiously instructive and purposeful - has a much more universalist flavor than most mainstream Christians are prepared to accept. The fact that I find it comforting doesn't really mean that it is rank-and-file. While the suggestion that Aslan is "Narnia's Jesus" and the Emperor-over-the-Sea is a spirit akin to the intangible aspect of the God of Christianity is nothing I think any reasonable person is going to argue on its face, the fact is that Aslan and the Emperor are distinct from Jesus and God the Father. A lot of people only read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," as it is the most famous and tbh Lewis's prose and especially his efforts at characterization leave much to be desired in mature readers. The pools in The Magician's Nephew were free portals between all these different universes, and each of them had their own creator and, in effect, god.

Furthermore, in Narnia itself you have the appearance of a lot of Greco-Roman deities and British mythological creatures who are not biblical by any means. You have Bacchus in a children's book at one point, and tbh I am never getting over that one.

And then, I have read recently in my sort of lazy, self-assessing research that in The Last Battle, there is a Calormene soldier who is extremely devoted to Tash (a violent, negative deity whom the Calormenes worship) in a way that is, like, good-hearted and pious and pure even though Tash himself is a bad god who requires human sacrifice and is all sorts of devil-y archetypes folded into some rather orientalist imagery*. And in the end, Aslan tells the faithful Tash-follower that because of the nature of his service to this bad god that it is as service unto him instead. Basically any good-intentioned piety was service to Aslan and any badly-intentioned service to a god was to Tash, even if they claimed it was unto Aslan. And while I find some appeal in that too, I can promise you that most professing Christians are extremely one-way-the-only-way minded and aren't even sure that the people at the church down the street are doing it right.

*Re: Orientalism/racism/Islamophobia critique of Lewis's work, see what I said above about the product of their time remarks. But furthermore, the human populations of the Narnian world (of which the country Narnia is only a part, yay for Eurocentrism I guess?) are transplants from Earth. There are no native humans to that world as I understand it.

According to Wikipedia, the tensions between Calormen and Narnia are kind of based on historical fact???

Calormenes are described as dark-skinned, with the men mostly bearded. Flowing robes, turbans and wooden shoes with an upturned point at the toe are common items of clothing, and the preferred weapon is the scimitar. Lavish palaces are present in the Calormene capital Tashbaan. The overall leitmotif of Calormene culture is portrayed as ornate to the point of ostentation. The people of Calormen are concerned with maintaining honour and precedent, often speaking in maxims and quoting their ancient poets. Veneration of elders and absolute deference to power are marks of Calormene society. Power and wealth determine class and social standing, and slavery is commonplace. The unit of currency is the Crescent. Narnians hold Calormenes in disdain for their treatment of animals and slaves. Conversely, Calormenes refer to the human inhabitants of Narnia as "barbarians". All of this appears quite consistent with the Osmanli Turkish Ottoman Empire (1299-1923), its known and purported splendor, rigid class structure, and the always-volatile relationship with many of its European neighbors.


So, like, yeah, I'm not going to argue with anybody that it isn't racist/xenophobic. And yet I think that in the above-stated sense that Aslan was totally willing to accept the Tash-follower guy, and the fact that you have a sort of mutual-distrust and dislike and a sometimes-okay coexistence between the Calormenes and the Narnians that Lewis wasn't trying to suggest that there was nothing redeemable about them as one might in the modern day if one were going at a xenophobic rant, metaphorical or otherwise. Again, I am not really trying to act like I am particularly qualified to draw conclusions here, just talking about a thing. I guess inasmuch as one can look to their cultural programming before anything makes them question it, one could say that growing up in the British Empire that still sort of existed even formally up into the 20th Century that viewing someone as other and outside was pretty much par for the course. Europe has a long, long history of that, all the way back to Rome. The term "barbarian" comes from a mockery of what non-Latin languages sounded like to Latin speakers as I understand it (or was it Greek? - I'm too tired to look it up).

Incidentally, my Narnia google trawl of recent days led me to Skandar Keynes's twitter (the guy who played Edmund in the most recent Narnia adaptations). Turns out, as of 2016, he said he'd quit pursuing acting. He was, at the time, working as an advisor to a (blergh) Conservative MP in the UK, but a scroll through his twitter indicates that perhaps his primary interest is in Middle Eastern relations. (This being explained, partly, by the fact that he is half Lebanese.) Which led me to this thread which I, unfortunately, lack the sophistication to fully find the line between satire and seriousness, but it does have a bibliography that seems to indicate that there's some degree of seriousness involved.

https://twitter.com/KarlreMarks/status/1181897446001201152

I am educated enough to know that the origin of the Caesar salad bit is BS, though. Score 1, me.

But to draw this ramble to a close, I guess I would just like to express my frustration with the tendency to equate Narnia with, idk, a mainline protestant thinkpiece?

Perhaps it is because of my position where I feel embattled by both the mainstream/conservative practitioners of my faith and by non-religious/atheistic/practitioners-of-other-religions people within the leftist circles I tend to be in the periphery of. I recently had a falling out with someone (with whom, to be fair, I was never going to be eye-to-eye with but continued to try for the sake of a social group) who said that I was about two steps away from being a "white supremacist tradwife" on twitter. I can assure that this isn't the case, and that whole situation would merit another post, and I think I might be better off not making it for now. I bring it up now because, I suppose, I feel like a lot of present-day Christians are extremely unsophisticated in their philosophy, not least of all because their cultural institutions make them afraid to examine very much.

The fragility of modern faith is something that is interesting to see. Again, I could make another whole post about the push of anti-intellectualism in conservative (Christian) religious communities, particularly that which exists in the American South as this is where I am from, but I feel like there is this sense that being a person of faith is like being a part of an endangered species. There are those in the sort of evangelistic atheist community who see religion as a cultural disease to be eradicated in the name of scientific or cultural progress. I am completely opposed to that line of thinking, and I try not to engage with it except when it is useful to do so for the sake of my blood pressure, but I guess I can simply say that I don't think that the eradication of faith/religion is ever going to happen. I believe it is a human impulse, for personally biased but also just historically observant reasons. And yet, on the one side, you have people who think that if people of faith would just listen to them list a handful of philosophical problems and takes on, like, the Problem of Suffering, Why Does God Let Bad Things Happen to Good People, Why does Evil EXIST, etc., that their silly, childish beliefs would melt like cotton candy in rain. And on the other hand, you have people of faith who... apparently... believe the exact same thing?

I've read a lot of compelling arguments that say that, in terms of cultural discourse and debate, progressive Christians really cannot say that the backward, queer-hating, anti-intellectual, angry, violent, stupid Christians who perpetuate fascism and genocide without a thought "aren't real Christians." For every sociological intent and purpose, they are, regardless of what one believes about the spiritual state of anyone in particular. On the other hand, though, I really wonder what personal business these terrified, cowering Christians have calling themselves Christians when they're scared to death that watching Good Omens is going to turn them into a secular Satanist a la Anton Levey.

But back to what that even has to do with Narnia:

When I was looking for Narnia pictures to make the above poster-things, I found several search results returned from the library of DVDs that some church somewhere has. (I can guarantee they are the religious homeschooling community type, which I have mixed feelings about from personal experience and what I [thankfully] didn't often experience when I was home-schooled.) Sorry but it's just so weird to me that some churches become so turned-inward that they have to become little communes. I don't think there's anything wrong with a church providing services to their members and communities, but when the first impression I get is their collection of Narnia DVDs, I am struck by certain presumptions which may or may not be true.

The first of these presumptions is that a lot of protestant Christians seem to think that, because C.S. Lewis wrote it and also wrote texts they like to read in Sunday School, The Chronicles of Narnia is the only Jesus-approved speculative fiction. (Idk they never talk about his Planets books. I knew one lady who did once, rest her soul.)

And, in turn, a lot of non-Christians look at any Christian who does like Narnia as if we are meant to turn in a term paper with a robust bibliography about how we justify such a terrible thing since it has such stark Christian imagery in something that... isn't the Bible? And that is where I got my title from. I feel like a lot of people, both Christian and non-Christian, treat The Chronicles of Narnia like it is the Christian Apocrypha or something and it is bananas to me.

I guess, to be fair, I understand where some of it comes from. I think that a lot of people, especially non-Christians, feel frustrated by the way in which present-day western mythology is so saturated with Christian lore in a way that everyone likes to ignore or is simply too immersed to see for what it is. I had a conversation with someone on twitter recently about how in the BBC series Merlin they talk about "the Old Religion" sometimes, but they seem to have no concept of religion in the present sense. They have one presumably, but they never allude to Christianity or a church or anything of that nature. It is almost funny, and yet the series itself sort of necessitates that one assume that the "New Religion" is Christianity if one knows enough about England or Arthuriana to fill a thimble.

I remarked to this person that it was frustrating even to me as a Christian that there is a thing in popular culture that we can use Christian concepts and themes all day long, and as long as we don't name them, we're being nicely neutral and inclusive. And no, it isn't. The person helpfully replied to me that an environment in which a person has to hide their religious beliefs or affiliations (not just fail to bash people over the head with it) isn't really a religiously tolerant environment at all.

This practice of pretending unmarked Christian mythological allusions and concepts are "neutral" is alienating both to people outside the Christian faith and to those within it. Treating it as background noise that everyone is just supposed to assume is "normal" is generally not good.

Christians are faced with it being cool to be what they are as long as they never say it out loud in mixed company, and everyone else is faced with these things being treated as default. And yeah, that sucks.

And so I think that frustration often just suddenly reaches a boiling point when anyone talks about Narnia. I feel like people expect me to explain C.S. Lewis and all his flaws to them every time I bring up Narnia. And, yeah, I am a little hypersensitive and tired and hate confrontation about fandom stuff that doesn't feel friendly or fun, so maybe I am overstating things, but this is my blog. But, like, I feel like this frustration is kind of weirdly placed, because regardless of what one argues about allegory versus applicability, the Christian mythological influence is overt and discussed in theological terms, even if Aslan is the actually-separate-from-Jesus god of another universe. There is nothing stealthy about it. There is nothing mysterious or vague about it, as in the above-mentioned case of Merlin or every time substitutionary atonement is used as the natural conclusion to any conflict between good versus evil but is treated as neutral and as existing in a vacuum.

So I guess I would just like to say that Narnia isn't a modern-revelation religious text to any Christian in their right mind. One could say that it is religious literature, I guess, but it isn't scripture, so please (strawman I'm frustrated with but whose features I have seen in many anecdotes in my life) stop laying it at my feet as if it is.

One last side-note: I found this video series of some theologian-type Oxfordian talking about how each of the Narnia books represents the spirit of one of the seven heavens of medieval cosmology and it is super interesting. He is like a professor of Christian apologetics, so his biases of it being sort of religiously affirmative literature are heavy, but it also made me feel kind of happy about being able to see a broader meaning and openness to, I guess, magical concepts than any average Christians are ever comfortable with (as most Christians would tell you magic itself is forbidden). Here's one video from it:

prixmium: (Default)
I added Crazy Ex-Girlfriend to my fandom masterlist even though I don't think it is a fanfic kind of fandom. It is something that I find myself emotionally referencing, though, so there is that.

I also added Portal (Chell/Wheatley) and a crossover fandom section (so far only Jack Harkness/Susan Pevensie) to my shipping thoughts post.

Plans

Dec. 2nd, 2019 02:22 pm
prixmium: (rose tyler - series 1 pink)
So I have been planning to start writing some meta posts for fun. I had actually started a project on doing this with some illusions of creating a sort of portfolio of analytical writing that wasn't all mixed in with posts on random topics and of varying quality. I thought I could use this as something to show people in freelance writing communities. However, I am not really sure I would ever actually do that enough to make it worth trying.

Nevertheless, I already mentioned that I had the [tumblr.com profile] prixmiumcontent account and got some nice feedback.

This weekend, basically the most personally satisfying thing I managed to do was revise the three meta posts I had already written there and post a housekeeping post indicating that I sort of plan on continuing it with a different mindset.

I also want to do something like [personal profile] wheatear's 30 Days of Meta. I just need to make my own list. If I do a lot of original meta posts here, I might f-lock them if I think there is any chance of ever pitching a similar thing to some website that pays people for fannish articles. I highly doubt that will happen, though?
prixmium: (Default)
So I have a Fandom Masterpost list. I was writing a post over on [community profile] addme_fandom and ended up putting together a pretty thorough list of ships. I decided I would copy-paste that portion here.

At the very bottom of this list, there are a couple of sibling-incest ships. I've marked them so you can avoid them if you need to, though it is literally just a mention.


I don't engage in fandom just to ship, but I am very focused on relationships. This post is primarily about romantic ships, though I have briefly mentioned platonic relationships for a couple of fandoms. Maybe I will one day make a post about that, but it would be much, much longer. I appreciate gen stuff, and even some of the shipping vibes I have are more about potential than reality.

Without further ado, here is the list, last updated: September 19, 2024



Read more... )
prixmium: (Default)
I keep second-guessing some of these decisions, but some friends in a discord server were doing this, so putting this together is how I wasted my Friday evening's productivity.

Basically this is to compare and contrast character favorites and/or recognition. If you want to play along, you can save the image file and use your choice of marking system: stickers on an app, Paint, gimp/ps, whatever. You can circle or x or star characters you like too. We also took to putting question marks on people we didn't recognize at all.



Here is the template: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/298284589577928705/649774600128823296/image0.png
prixmium: (tardis)
So, in all this thinking about social media presence and the act of consuming versus engaging with content*, I have been sort of thinking about my way forward in trying to feel content with my online presence. [personal profile] kara_mckay gave me a pillowfort invitation key! And there is absolutely nothing on my page yet, but here it is: https://www.pillowfort.social/somenewdisaster

(*Thank you for such a good response to that! It is really encouraging about Dreamwidth as a platform to get a robust response to a post. It is easy to forget what that feels like on some of the more "modern" socmed sites, so it just makes me all the more determined to try to make continued presence here work.)

One thing I have noticed on pillowfort, and I am not sure if it is a bug or just a current necessity, is that you do have the option to change both your sort of divider color and your page background color, but when you are logged out the background color change doesn't show? I guess I'll try to ask somebody there when I start trying to do anything with it.

I have had another uneventful and slightly discouraging Saturday. I slept most of it away quite literally, and we are now into the wee hours of Sunday. Not that it matters very much as long as I can drag myself out of bed for work on Monday, but I always feel so energized late Friday evening. Then I come home and find myself unable to do everything that I intended to do, and so I do something else, and before I know it I have powered through past-midnight, and my body just collapses to recover. This morning was kind of weird. I awakened pretty soundly around 9:30 and I was awake and even did some laundry, but I went back to sleep around 11:00 until just before 3:00 P.M. It is weird how good my body clock has gotten here, because before I even looked at my phone I knew it had to be approaching 3:00. This meant that I didn't eat a bite of anything until 5:00, and this is how I always end up eating only one meal on the weekends.

Anyway, for all my frustration with this lack of work-life balance, today marks the two week countdown until I will be taking the arduous trek to the airport and boarding a plane back for America. I will be in transit for almost 24 hours. The flight to Atlanta from Narita is about 12-13 hours, and I have a six hour layover in Atlanta before boarding a plane back to my regional airport sometime around 10:00 P.M. local. The flight from ATL to TRI is only like 45 minutes which is just a weird experience.

The specific pleasant surprise I wanted to talk about was about response to meta-writing. About a year ago (according to xkit's timestamp), I started a sideblog on tumblr called [tumblr.com profile] prixmiumcontent where I intended to start writing frequent meta articles about stuff I was watching. I started, as I usually would, with Doctor Who and got three episodes in before the stark difference in the response I was getting to a gifset-per-episode and the meta posts themselves. It's hilarious honestly in how much it proves many points I have tried to make about modern social media. And right now, I only have Gimp to make gifs and it is just an altogether more difficult process than with Photoshop.

After the December 2018 tumblr TOS change, I basically just braced myself for the End of Tumblr. I made this account, and I started trying to resign myself to the notion that tumblr was not what I had once enjoyed and never would be again. The dream was dead. I archived my blog that I had used the entire time, and I used a utility someone had created to download my entire blog for fear of losing that time capsule of my life much like I lost most access to my various LiveJournals. (That file is hilariously huge and lives on an external harddrive. Not a bad idea, honestly, but it was a thing to do.) So this project fell by the wayside.

Earlier this year, when I saw that tumblr had, in fact, not toppled completely, I made a new account with the intention of lurking but being able to save things and post things from time to time. I wanted a smaller following and a smaller dash, and thus far I have achieved those goals, but the issue is that because so many people are clout-chasing and/or facing information overload, it is hard to find mutuals on tumblr anymore who engage in kind. The Fate/Type Moon fandom has always seemed kind of image-heavy and not very talkative, and when I got really into Good Omens I found interesting blogs to follow, but for all the fandom's talk of being really open and friendly and nice, I honestly have never experienced it on tumblr or twitter. I am not bad-mouthing anyone on tumblr, but I have experienced people on twitter being very exclusionary, reactionary, and probably some other -aries if you don't meet their exact definition of what progressive and far ENOUGH left is, by a constantly shifting definition. Again, I am not talking about the fandom as a whole but just... whatever it is, it doesn't want me to be active in it.

(I'm trying to get to the pleasant surprise, I swear.)

So after I made my new tumblr account, I remembered [tumblr.com profile] prixmiumcontent and, since it was a sideblog, went back into my old account and gave my new account admin and posting rights and all of that, too. The result of this is that while I have the tumblr app on my phone, I hardly ever do ANYTHING with the new-personal-blog I made there. This may or may not ever change. Sometimes I get the impulse that it is sad? But other times I feel like the detox being effective is pretty great. But this means that sometimes, phone apps being the little drug dealers that they are, tumblr's app tries to suck me back in. YOU HAVE NOTIFICATIONS. SO-AND-SO MADE A GREAT POST. WE NOTICED [X] IS YOUR FAVORITE BECAUSE YOU DON'T FOLLOW ANYONE ELSE. And so on. But the vast majority of my notifications are actually from the sideblog, and mostly reblogs of the gifsets I made for the first three episodes of Doctor Who.

But in the midst of all that, when I mistakenly tapped rather than cleared a tumblr-begging notifcation on my phone, I found this: https://chelnah-the-egghead.tumblr.com/post/189265229590/doctor-who-the-unquiet-dead-s01e03

It is so sweet. It is short and simple, and this is literally all the engagement I need to feel like I am not just screaming into a void when I try to make something for an audience rather than for myself alone. To be fair, when I write meta I am usually doing it in part for myself under the theory that reading blog entries will be faster than binging a series again when I want to reference stuff for fanfic more quickly than a month from now.

Anyway, I think I may try to cross-post these meta posts and continue to use this sideblog in that case? I am not sure yet, but it is at least encouraging that someone finds it interesting.

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