prixmium: (tardis)
Somehow, I have made it to 2x16 of Stargate SG-1, and it doesn't seem possible that I have paid conscious attention to that many episodes. I don't know how they do that. It's sort of like letting candy dissolve in your mouth, and the plot-heavy episodes are notable like pleasant little Sour-Patch Kids sprinkled in.

I want to write more thoughts on the episodes because I feel like that might help them 'stick' better, but my mental health has been in the decline for a few weeks.

I started re-watching SG-1 sometime after my hitting an emotional and mental health wall on and around Mother's Day. So even that was part of the downhill slope I've been trying to stave off like Sisyphus.

Around the same time, my dad started being quite troubled by something and getting really fixated on his weight and appearance and general self-care. This was associated with his basically not wanting to spend the rest of his life alone. I mean, I knew that was coming, but I also didn't expect it quite so soon. On the other hand, I think for men about six months into bereavement this is kind of a normal development, from observation. At least for Boomer men, though my dad isn't a particularly egregious 'Boomer' stereotype.

The other day he guilted me into going and keeping him company while he laid sod on the grave site he's been working on in a community cemetery. He finally, reluctantly, told me what he had been avoiding telling me for weeks. I don't even really want to write it down in full detail, mostly out of respect for his feelings, but the broad strokes of it is that he indicated very gentle, tentative interest (a 'do you EVER think we could go down that path') toward someone he shouldn't have that kind of makes things awkward for me. Not 'shouldn't have' in the moral sense, in my opinion, but 'shouldn't have' in a 'should have seen it wouldn't go well and should have asked me first,' kind of sense. He says now he wished he had talked to me about it first, but it was something that he didn't want to bring up because he thought that if nothing came of it that it wouldn't hurt me not to know. But like, dude, that was your brain trying to tell you that maybe this was a bit weird and soon if not wrong.

I don't blame him for being off his equilibrium, though.

It just contributes to my feeling rather unmoored, though. Mostly in a minor way. There's other stuff that weighs heavier on me.

The whole not having a job or a real hope of ever getting one I want again is really weighing on me. Even discounting the 'wanting' part, I can't even get most service jobs because I have a Master's degree and no experience whatsoever in food service or the rest of the service industry.

My dad is making it okay, and I have enough money that I think I can just kind of live and eat and not do much through the summer without much problem. Beyond that, if I don't find something, I'm very screwed financially. And my dad can't really afford to keep being my stop-gap forever.

I have applied for so many jobs, and I guess it's just discouraging that none of them have resulted in follow-up calls. I guess I started applying in earnest in late March, and there's been nothing. Not one. Ugh.

I got a few invitations to an "open interview" being held at the grocery store and, like, no. I applied to a specific position and if you can't be bothered to give me specific interview time, then no. Nope.

I know I probably shouldn't even be that picky, but I am so disgusted by this current culture of "They should be desperate we will pay UP TO $10/hour and they will lap out of our hands???" shit and then whining "Nobody wants to work anymore," which is code for "Big Brother Whom We Hate Please Try to Pressure the Peasants into Our Cage!"

I am $40k in debt for education I cannot currently use.
prixmium: stonehenge in sunlight (stonehenge in sunlight)

Stargate SG-1 Spoilers Ahead



S1.E4. Emancipation - Everyone who's ever been into SG-1 has cringed at the infamous pilot line of Sam's: "Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside and not the outside..."

It is really weird. No one talks like that. But they do kind of establish that Sam, in her scientist ways, does occasionally say really odd, off-beat things. It's funny because there was a time in my life when that aforementioned line made me want to crawl under a table. Now, it's like... it feels a bit unrealistic, but I almost feel like it's more the way they try to have her deliver it like the line is itself empowering and not sort of shock-value for a polite or formal conversation to sort of get Jack off his bullshit rhythm that makes it... not good.

Anyway, bringing that up to say that this episode continued with the effort to include feminism as a theme in a show that has more male than female characters. It's the first "Planet of the Week" episode, too, which I think positions it clearly in this "we're trying" sort of space.

In some ways, while I certainly appreciate society moving forward and becoming more inclusive and mindful of representation, it seems to me that some of the official representation that we get is quite cynical, fill-in-the-blank, and corporate-approved these days. I am not in any way suggesting that I think we should go back to everything being, like, token minorities and much clumsier and uninformed. It's just that I feel like there was a real expression of value when something... tried prior to about ten year ago when I think diverse representation became a mainstream talking point that the people who back creative projects finally listened to.

However, I would like to acknowledge that I think in some of the shows I have seen from the 80s and 90s, there was an earnest dialogue with some issues that may have not always been as "correct" or - I think more often - palatable but which was more deliberate.

CW: IRL death mention in the next sentence

Before my mom got sicker and passed away, a lot of last year we spent watching TV together in the evenings. One of the things she was interested in watching was the TV series version of In the Heat of the Night. I was truly astonished to see how their cast, in later seasons, seemed to be almost 50/50 in its Black and white cast. It directly confronted racism on an ongoing basis as a part of the show's overall theme and point. I bring this up because I think it's another good example of how, in some ways, prior to the "Representation Matters" movement(s) that have taken hold, there was actually a decline in both diversity and direct address of social issues in media sometime - I think - in the early 00s. My personal opinion/guess is that this happened when people started to feel 'comfortable' that we were 'past racism' as a society and that things were absolutely nothing like the pre-Civil Rights Movement era anymore so maybe we didn't need to talk about it all the time because it wasn't fun, or something. I think that a lot of that 'color blind' stuff that ultimately led to a 'white is default' resurgence through apathy, neglect, and corporate cynicism is something that I have not really seen talked about by people who are smarter than me.

I believe I started watching SG-1 for the first time around 2009/2010, and I was only just beginning to get a grasp on media criticism. At the time, there was nothing particularly unusual about the ratio of white to non-white characters/actors. Then, when I revisited the series a few years ago for the first time in a while, I found myself kind of uncomfortable that in terms of regular cast members that they seemed to just have Teal'c, a Black man playing an alien, and then the individuals on the Planets of the Week, many of whom were portrayed as primitive as a result of oppression. But now, in this watch so far, I think that while this is a valid criticism of the show that when they are dealing with actors of color and characters of color that there is an effort being made to acknowledge various cultures, to creatively include aspects of history and anthropology, and so on. And I feel like in shows that sort of sprung into existence from like 2000-2010 there may have been a more "Let's not acknowledge social justice issues because we are at an okay equilibrium and people want to ESCAPE and feel COOL when they watch our show" attitude???

Anyway, I am not an expert, and I am quite white, so take my commentary about this particular aspect with a grain of salt. I am just trying to be a conscientious viewer and acknowledge the good and that bad, narratively and in terms of what was going on with the meta aspects of the show.

So... yeah, I think that this very early placing of a story that's supposed to be about feminism and female empowerment feels like a real "effort" for a show originally airing in the 90s.

In it, the team comes to find an ancient off-shoot of the Mongol civilization living on a planet. They save a young man from being attacked by wild dogs, and this "allows" the locals not to react as violently as they might have to Sam who is a woman who dares to show her face and talk to people. The tone of the episode shows that this is all very ridiculous and terrible, of course, but they take the team back to their home camp and shuffle her off to be dealt with among the women.

Sam objects to this treatment, but in the first illustration of the distinct contrasts between Sam and Daniel as the two Intellectual Characters on the team, Daniel encourages her to cooperate for the sake of understanding the local culture, not offending them, and allowing them to have time to understand their practices. It's a conflict avoidance strategy that he assures her many anthropologists use. She tells him she's not an anthropologist.

Daniel is a social scientist and historian while Sam is a student of natural sciences. Also, Daniel is a white man who has frequently been mistaken for a god and a savior by this point. I think that it's actually pretty good that they have Daniel suggest these kinds of very mid-century white people doing anthropology attitudes but that they are critiqued for their practicality and moral value at times. It's a nice means of keeping the baby while sifting out some of the dirty bathwater, as it were.

If you can't tell already, Daniel is my favorite character, but as a decade-older viewer, I am finally having a sort of grapple with the fact that just because he's my favorite doesn't mean I need him to always be the most-correct one.

The Mongol civilization was known to have some very different cultural attitudes toward women than most of the ancient world. They were able to fight and own property and existed in a much more "equal" state to men than many of their contemporary counterparts. Daniel brings this up as a matter of puzzlement, and despite the fact that he wants Sam to just "roll with it," through the episode he does begin trying to use his anthropological understanding of these historical realities to try and argue for Sam being treated with respect, value, and importance, and with trying to feel out the existent potential for change while trying to plant the seeds for more. He stops trying to view it as a living history museum quite so much and begins to engage with the locals as people in a present situation, which I think is an important thing to break through for him. It seems that while he was drawn into the Abydosian (???) culture that it was largely because of the personal relationships he formed, and in many - if not all - ways he assimilated. In his current position, however, he does not always have the time or luxury to do that and may have the moral obligation to do otherwise.

But then on the other hand, there is a discussion to be had about the respect of cultures and not, again, falling into that popular White Savior trope. I think that this show kind of exists in a constant tension with that trope simply because all of the human characters of SG-1 are white and it is a spiritual successor to all of the anthropology/archaeology inspired speculative fiction that came from British Egyptomania (other examples would include Indiana Jones, The Librarian(s) media, and so on). Add in the direct involvement of the US military, you end up with... a lot to unpack, particularly from a contemporary perspective.

Sam brings up at one point that "to free from oppression" is part of the Special Forces (of the Air Force? Idk if there is a difference between branches) motto when Jack is trying to argue that they leave before things get worse, specifically for her. He also has the concern that trying to affect social change or even to save one girl from a terrible fate might basically be firing the first shot in a war that they will then need to flee and leave to rage. Sometimes Jack actually has a fair point.

Ultimately, they decide to fight with "the law" which is established as extremely important to these people. At some point, Daniel had hyped up the importance of Sam within their culture and claimed that she was their leader which later allowed them to utilize her being a tribal leader against the Extra Misogynistic Warlord Guy. It allows Sam to have a hand-to-hand confrontation with someone who had abused and intimidated her when she was in a much more vulnerable position. All in all I think that aspect of it was nice. It was uncomfortable to watch the extremely overt societal misogyny, but ultimately they help at least one old village cast off these "laws" about women.

Their explanation for why this previously more equal society had become so sexist and misogynistic is that when the "demons" (Goa'ulds) brought these people to the planet that they adapted their culture to protect their women from them. They began to try and hide their presence, to make them less noticeable, to cover their features, etc., presumably because of some past brush with a similar situation to that in Children of the Gods where women were kidnapped for the purpose of finding the best and most beautiful host for a female-identified Goa'uld "goddess."

I think that's an interesting layer to this awful aspect of the Goa'uld presence in the galaxy.

I really appreciate that Sam, while competent as a soldier, does not lean so hard into either "military woman" trope that she becomes hard to believe as a human.

For a good dive into the thing I'm saying I think Sam mostly avoids by being allowed to be feminine while also displaying a number of typically-masculine skills and attributes, see the embedded video which is from a series on what this guy loves about Mad Max: Fury Road. I've never seen that film, but I love his videos and work anyway. (Also does some excellent stuff about contemporaneous social and political concerns.)

prixmium: stonehenge in sunlight (stonehenge in sunlight)
I have been progressing slowly through watching SG-1 when I have tried to focus on something other than the computer screen or the back of my eyelids. Did a few other things today but my sleep cycle is still so messy and stupid.

Spoilers for Stargate SG-1 abound.



S1.E3*. The Enemy Within - Kawalsky and Feretti where the other two named characters from the original Stargate movie who are initially situated as side characters that mean a lot to Jack since he was previously their commanding officer. In Children of the Gods, Feretti was seriously injured and isn't seen again in this episode, though he did survive. Kawalsky made it through Children of the Gods, but at the last moment when they were fleeing the Goa'ulds, an infant/larval Goa'uld leapt from the body of a dying Jaffa into Kawalsky's body.

He started having blackouts and headaches, and over time it becomes clear that these episodes are caused by this infant Goa'uld trying to take over his body. The Goa'uld wants to take full possession of the body and return through the Stargate. It's not really stated what its plan is beyond just getting the heck out of Dodge, but I suppose it doesn't matter. This episode establishes that the infant Goa'uld's have ancestral memory.

The thing that is most striking to me about this episode is the emotional authenticity that Kawalsky's actor gives him. In the past, I was always excited to get further into the main characters getting to know each other and playing off each other, so the first few episodes felt like a slog, but I really appreciate just how terrified and sad Kawalsky is at times.

Jack also very obviously cares about this man's well-being. I don't remember if the original film had Kawalsky with a first name, but his canonical name for SG-1 is "Charles" or Charlie, and this is the same as Jack's deceased son's name, so that shows that these two have probably had a significant friendship for a long time.

I freely admit that I'm pretty emotionally fragile lately, but watching Kawalsky ultimately lose his battle to an internal hostile threat was... rough.

Another character note is that this is literally the episode after Daniel has come back to Earth and had to deal with the fact that Sha're is captured and possessed by a Goa'uld and that a Jaffa has joined their team. Not just a Jaffa but seemingly the highest ranking one who is directly responsible for Sha're being kidnapped and ultimately chosen for selection as a Goa'uld host.

I remember reading a long time ago that there was initially some talk that Daniel would be far more hostile to Teal'c at first but that the actors had such a good friendship and chemistry that they just... didn't do this. I think that I have a very dim memory of a later episode that kind of deals with this elephant in the room? But I seem to remember it being mostly centered around Teal'c's guilt and that Daniel is fairly prepared to forgive.

I think that this is an endearing character trait for Daniel, but it's a bit abrupt and contributes to that hyper-compartmentalization that Daniel seems capable of. In one moment, he is desperately earnest about his need to find Sha're, but he seems to have taken no time at all to start being able to push that aside to deal with daily affairs.

On a meta level, I think that this may have to do with the fact that writing an episodic series that aired week to week over a television season is quite different in pacing and flow from writing something that you know is likely going to be binged on the same day. If I had the brain power, I think it would be interesting to study the patterns of change that the move to dumping a season in a day on most streaming platforms has caused. In a way, I think it calls for more emotional consistency and letting the impact of something linger longer to have something that you know people are going to watch one episode after the other.

I have heard it commented upon that week-to-week airing schedules and seasons of shows and waits between episodes were very good for fandoms that would last being fostered.

Disney+ has moved to this model for their flagship MCU stuff, and I certainly think that it is true on a psychological and sociological level that WandaVision and The Falcon and The Winter Soldier have had a greater impact than a lot of the other season in a day show dumps that other streaming services provide.

Anyway, I should talk about this more when I actually watch those shows. ... Someday.

I guess my point with regard to Daniel is that there is this sort of pendulum movement between emotional realism and the ability of the episode to stand alone as a viewing experience at play, but I feel like this is also a character trait of Daniel's that I have not completely understood as the person I am today -- a more experienced viewer than my first obsession with SG-1 about eleven years ago.

Daniel expresses being fascinated by the fact that the Goa'ulds have ancestral memory. A bit later, he is (justifiably) downtrodden by the fact that in spite of removing what seemed to be the full body of the Goa'uld from Kawalsky that it had still grafted tendrils into his brain that ultimately meant that the parasite had won. He was invested in Kawalsky's situation not just out of concern for him but because he wants to know if "something of the host survives" with regard to Sha're.

Upon reflection, it's fairly heartbreaking that even from the moment he realizes Sha're has been taken that he is focused on the idea that something of the host must survive. He doesn't even seem particularly optimistic about saving the whole person anymore. In a way, that might be a kind of healthy pessimism to allow him to compartmentalize or grieve as necessary.

It's also really weird that they almost immediately begin throwing Daniel into situations, most of them involuntary, that place him in sexual situations with other women. I will need to talk about his after I watch my most-hated SG-1 episode that I remember, Hathor, but it almost seems like a grungy, gross sort of "washing away" of his ever having been married's significance to make any of the audience who were invested in him saving his wife kind of less invested in it. Idk... Maybe I'm overthinking that particular aspect but ick.

I kind of think it was smart to have their first 'regular' episode be set entirely within the base. Feel like it sort of tempers the show for future episodes like that instead of immediately setting up the expectation of Planet of the Week every single week. By doing it early, I think it may have prevented the sense that base episodes had to be filler or boring, because they are given actual story/character significance this way. With some other sci-fi shows (Doctor Who is the one that is in my mind right now) there is sometimes this sense that episodes that utilize the static sets are the show being cheap or irresponsible with their budget.


*Numbering Season 1 episodes seems really problematic, because it seems like after their initial airing as a two-part opening, which may have been on the same night or not, the first two episodes are largely treated as a single episode/opening movie, but they still have the designation as E1 and E2. Therefore if you search for any of the subsequent episodes in S1 it seems like the designations are off and confused.
prixmium: (rose tyler - series 1 pink)
Finished up watching the first "episode" / mini-movie of Stargate SG-1 again.

Of course, I have a shipping agenda but beyond that I have to say that my favorite scene in the whole thing is when Jack takes Daniel back to his house and they're just talking.

There is something so... the world I was born into about Jack's house. Idk if it's 90s or not. You still see it around old mom and pop restaurants that haven't been really redecorated in years.



And the whole scene just feels so real.

Daniel's emotions throughout the episode are so real and raw when he's talking about Sha're and needing to get her back.

It also makes me wonder about Daniel's personality and character and stuff, because there are times when he is distracting himself or focused on a task at hand that those emotions don't seem to carry over much at all. For example, when they first arrive at the planet where Chulac is, he really wants to tell Jack what a particular symbol on the DHD represents, and it's pretty much the only thing he's thinking about rather than going on immediately to find Sha're.

I don't necessarily think this is character inconsistency. It feels a little disjointed, but I almost feel like that's part of Daniel?

I really want to make myself rewatch the original Stargate movie. I'm now extremely attached to the SG-1 performances of Jack and Daniel, but I am suddenly really invested in Sha're's original character performance. I remember reading a bit of meta about the original film years ago and how it was "Sha're's Revolution." I forget how they originally spelled her name. Sha'uri? or something?

I think they said they justified changing her name to something a bit easier to spell and roll off the tongue by saying it was some kind of unmarried versus unmarried naming convention. Sure, whatever.

It's strange when I look back at stuff from the "slash" era of fandom.

There has been a backlash in recent years against m/m-focused fandom in some areas. I'm pretty sure it's connected to radfem rhetoric, whether people realize that it is or not. It's sort of like there is this insidious undergrowth to fair points made in the tumblr-era of fandom that is actively harmful and genuinely hateful toward men/maleness/masculinity that is just... so not helpful. I will hate separatist rhetoric with a burning passion until the end.

But going back to the "fair point" bit.

I think that prior to mainstream media sometimes granting a sort of only-when-approved LGBT+ representation, the way in which people approached shipping same-gender couples together was quite different. I was on the SG-1 TVTropes fanfic rec page and noting this when I was reading a little bit. It's sort of like there was often (not always) little attention to gender itself and that sometimes this means that a character's internal voice will almost be transgressive to their outward/performed/canon gender in a way that I do not think is exactly conscious or intentional on the author's part. I'm not saying this is bad. It's just an interesting thing that exists.

Basically this pervasive attitude of a gender-blind kind of story-telling and reading of the relationship if not the sexuality involved.

I think this is kind of really common in a pre-mainstream-LGBT-rep world for several reasons.

It is true that a lot of this was fantasy and wish fulfillment on the part of at least het-socialized, AFAB people. In a world where this kind of thing did not have a lot of resources or public discussion yet, even online, this means you fold in the issues of things like AFAB people who are transmen expressing themselves, queer girls in general projecting their nascent experiences onto male characters, and, indeed, a naive sort of fetishization of m/m relationships on the part of het girls who had a lot of internalized misogyny and found a way around it through slash.

It's a really odd thing to see all of that still together in a blob in old but still accessible fandom and even within my own memories of being involved in the SG1 fandom a bit back about a decade ago.

At some point between then and now, largely around the time a lot of the tumblrites I followed where getting extremely disillusioned with their once-beloved BBC Sherlock in the gap between S1 and S2 of that show, there was a sudden push-back against the m/m centered world of fandom shipping. Fans were becoming more aware that sidelining all female characters for the sake of m/m ships was a vicious cycle.

The argument basically went that one reason homosocial, male relationships were "deeper" and "better written" in mainstream media is because that was what sold and that it basically hadn't changed since Ancient Greece when women were viewed as children/babymakers/property all in one and that a man's true loving relationships were to be with men while your wife was kind of like your pet.

And whew boy is there a Good Point (TM) but also a lot to unpack there.

And saying that, therefore, all people (especially women-aligned people) who ship m/m are some kind of gender traitors is beyond throwing out the baby with the bathwater, imo.

I do think there was something to be said, though, about the fact that people wrote off female characters as shallow, one dimensional, stereotyped, whatever, because of (internalized) misogyny and the fact that this did affect the "queer baiting" and overall treatment of female "love interest" characters in the days before companies started learning to follow the Trends on twitter or whatever.

I'm extremely happy that broader representation across the gender spectrum and sexuality spectrum is becoming more popular and accepted. On the other hand, until it involves the writers and the crew and everyone, it's always going to feel a little bit Writing By Committee and an aspect of corporate manipulation and cynicism.

And that is why I think that fan-writing for m/m or any queer/non-mainstream relationship (e.g. polyamory) has a heart to it that even out much easier to obtain "rep" lacks at times.

The point with regard to SG1 is that I have always been torn between my Jack/Daniel leanings and the fact that Daniel/Sha're is this weird but interesting example of something that lampshades its own issues in such a way that I find it heartfelt and real.

The fact that Sha're was a "gift" from her "primitive culture" to the White Savior that Daniel turned out to inadvertently become to these people is toned down by the fact that Sha're is clearly the driving force behind their relationship.

"Forever in a Day" is still one of the most haunting episodes I have ever seen on television because of what might have been, what could have been had, if Sha're had been allowed to remain a part of the show.

It seems like she was always meant to be the Fridged Girlfriend or Gwen Stacy trope, and yet one wonders what might have happened if personal matters behind the scenes hadn't gotten kind of weird.

But yeah, I really liked the fact that they sort of tried to acknowledge the White Savior trope and then tear it down a bit, though they still sort of treated Daniel and Sha're like their leaders. I mean, I guess Sha're is the daughter of their actual chief guy, right?

And Skaara is her brother? For some reason I believed this but they didn't actually mention it in this episode. Was that in the original movie, a show edition, or just a misapprehension on my part?
prixmium: (Default)
Utilized Netflix to watch the first half of Stargate SG-1 S1E1 in the background tonight. It isn't new to me. Especially the first few seasons of SG-1, I spent a lot of time with during like my first year of college.

Recently, I have been trying to articulate why I don't really binge watch things or try new things very often. I think it has two distinct tracks that may be somewhat parallel.

The first is that I rarely get completely over a fandom. Once I invest at all, I care about it, even if it fades into a background sort of nostalgia. Also, often I feel like when I move on to a new main special interest, there is something I have left unfinished with a previous interest. I always am looking back down the aisle of my own past, and I want to revisit things that made me feel good at the time.

It sucks knowing that the more things enter my life, even in terms of media, the less likely I will be to go back and pick up those loose ends. Occasionally, an idea for a fic or something will not leave me alone, and I cannot really "move on" until something is done.

That's less and less true, though, and it scares me.

I guess it's rare for me to super-actively participate in "public" fandom as often in terms of it being an interactive thing. I think that's true for a lot of people. And having a fandom of two or three is perfectly valid and often a healthier thing to do. Nevertheless, I find myself seeking an audience, acknowledgment, validation, because it's extremely hard to get in any other way, especially now.

The other thread of things that makes it extremely difficult for me to "pick up" something new is that I have to feel like the "fandom" is at least not virulently ugly OR that I will be fairly content holding it to my chest. Being stuck in that middle ground is something that I find myself in all too often, and it sucks a lot. I said to [personal profile] popkin16 earlier that if I'm going to make a leap, I want to know there's a trampoline or a set of pillows at the bottom.

In revisiting Stargate, I always think of LiveJournal. I think that might be because it was the fandom I was last active in on LJ. It's really interesting to me that while Stargate has retained fans for years, its fandom really never made the jump to modern social media.

Thinking about it now, I almost wonder if it's because of its highly militarized setting. Even I have developed this flinch response with regard to military and law enforcement being accidentally or intentionally propagandized in media. Still, I think that sometimes it is that the backdrop of something is not necessarily its whole meaning, and I can't be concerned with the ethics of a 20 year old show.

It's very weird how the first episode was TV-MA because they made Sha're get buck ass naked but then the show extremely dialed back from any of that ever again to the point that years ago when I was watching it on the family TV my mom gave me The Look when the topic of spending the night with a date came up for Sam or something. I remember this very lifestyle Christian but not ultra-conservative just quite-conservative family I stayed with on one of those weird vacations I had as a child watching SG1 as a family.

Early Installment Extreme Weirdness.

To be gossipy you gotta wonder if Michael Shanks and Bandera (woman whose name I can't remember right now) would have a baby together if she'd kept her clothes on. Not shaming just being glib.

There is something about the aesthetic, especially in the scene I paused on where Jack takes Daniel home once they're back in Colorado, that feels like an anchor and that I could just step into the TV and know a world I once lived in but which is gone. Told another friend earlier that I almost wish I could for, like, a week, have a trial period of what it would have been like to be an adult during the time I was a child.

I feel a lot like my adulthood or ability to ever have one that isn't just stress and grief has been and is actively being stolen from me.

I can't even get a job at a grocery store right now, despite everyone shaming you for not "taking whatever job you can get" and the staffing crisis because, hey, maybe people can't afford to basically pay to go to work when they're already broke!

Maybe I should start personally journaling about episodes of stuff I watch here. That's what we all used to do.

I am profoundly lonely, and I miss my mom a lot which leads to a lot of other nostalgia. Sudden ruptures of those momentary sense memories of being a little kid in the mid-90s.

Scrolling online doesn't fix the lonely. But neither does anything IRL right now and it's driving me a bit crazy.

I looked up some advice on how to cope with the stir-craziness that comes from trying to be a halfway responsible human right now and most of the articles were dated from March and April of last year. Which I get why. It's a top result because it has the most clicks. But it just makes me wonder if people have stopped even trying to kid themselves, either by throwing caution to the wind and going back to 100% normality or by just lying on the floor groaning like I feel like doing most of the time.

One thing that I notice is that almost every suggestion that I haven't tried involves one of two things I don't have:

1) more money than I have to spend freely

2) kids

Not even one's own kids but just this concept that most people have kids in their lives, and I don't. Unlike a lot of my millennial peers I actually miss it, and I furthermore think about how again this season of time is basically eliminating the future possibility of my having the choice to have any.

Also, my sleep cycle is completely ruined. More than usual. Ew.
prixmium: (Default)
I started to try to make another fic cover. Got discouraged because SG-1 has virtually nothing to choose from in terms of image resources that aren't chucked into the photobucket or like 26 pixels wide. I feel like it might even be easier to find resources for fandoms that started pre-1990 because revival and restoration efforts have been made, whereas those from like 1990-2010 are so difficult because they existed in the time when internet fandom was taking shape but the resources weren't updated to modern standards as they went. At least not usually.

I haven't figured out some generic imagery I can use yet, either, so I gave up for the moment.

Nevertheless, I'm pretty impressed that by the time I was 18 or so my writing had started to resemble something that wasn't particularly embarrassing. The fic I was working with (I'm basically just going in reverse chronological order) was one about Daniel Jackson and Sam Carter having mostly skimmed over or fade-to-black comfort sex as a result of all their feelings everywhere about other people and finding immediate solace in each other or something? And it's named after a Katy Perry song. Pretty... complex for one of the first fics I've got archived on AO3 (I don't remember if it was an import from FF.net but I think it was).

I don't know why I have always been taken with the trope of people "cheating" on their emotions only to find MORE emotions. I don't support actual infidelity except in cases of like people breaking out of abusive or genuinely loveless relationships, but infidelity is another one of those hot-buttons for some people where they won't read anything even REMOTELY related to it. Me? I am all about loyalty in real life and in fiction, but that means that in fiction I am interested in explorations of what that means (or doesn't).

March 2025

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