Feeling excluded by life
May. 25th, 2021 03:50 amSomehow, I have made it to 2x16 of Stargate SG-1, and it doesn't seem possible that I have paid conscious attention to that many episodes. I don't know how they do that. It's sort of like letting candy dissolve in your mouth, and the plot-heavy episodes are notable like pleasant little Sour-Patch Kids sprinkled in.
I want to write more thoughts on the episodes because I feel like that might help them 'stick' better, but my mental health has been in the decline for a few weeks.
I started re-watching SG-1 sometime after my hitting an emotional and mental health wall on and around Mother's Day. So even that was part of the downhill slope I've been trying to stave off like Sisyphus.
Around the same time, my dad started being quite troubled by something and getting really fixated on his weight and appearance and general self-care. This was associated with his basically not wanting to spend the rest of his life alone. I mean, I knew that was coming, but I also didn't expect it quite so soon. On the other hand, I think for men about six months into bereavement this is kind of a normal development, from observation. At least for Boomer men, though my dad isn't a particularly egregious 'Boomer' stereotype.
The other day he guilted me into going and keeping him company while he laid sod on the grave site he's been working on in a community cemetery. He finally, reluctantly, told me what he had been avoiding telling me for weeks. I don't even really want to write it down in full detail, mostly out of respect for his feelings, but the broad strokes of it is that he indicated very gentle, tentative interest (a 'do you EVER think we could go down that path') toward someone he shouldn't have that kind of makes things awkward for me. Not 'shouldn't have' in the moral sense, in my opinion, but 'shouldn't have' in a 'should have seen it wouldn't go well and should have asked me first,' kind of sense. He says now he wished he had talked to me about it first, but it was something that he didn't want to bring up because he thought that if nothing came of it that it wouldn't hurt me not to know. But like, dude, that was your brain trying to tell you that maybe this was a bit weird and soon if not wrong.
I don't blame him for being off his equilibrium, though.
It just contributes to my feeling rather unmoored, though. Mostly in a minor way. There's other stuff that weighs heavier on me.
The whole not having a job or a real hope of ever getting one I want again is really weighing on me. Even discounting the 'wanting' part, I can't even get most service jobs because I have a Master's degree and no experience whatsoever in food service or the rest of the service industry.
My dad is making it okay, and I have enough money that I think I can just kind of live and eat and not do much through the summer without much problem. Beyond that, if I don't find something, I'm very screwed financially. And my dad can't really afford to keep being my stop-gap forever.
I have applied for so many jobs, and I guess it's just discouraging that none of them have resulted in follow-up calls. I guess I started applying in earnest in late March, and there's been nothing. Not one. Ugh.
I got a few invitations to an "open interview" being held at the grocery store and, like, no. I applied to a specific position and if you can't be bothered to give me specific interview time, then no. Nope.
I know I probably shouldn't even be that picky, but I am so disgusted by this current culture of "They should be desperate we will pay UP TO $10/hour and they will lap out of our hands???" shit and then whining "Nobody wants to work anymore," which is code for "Big Brother Whom We Hate Please Try to Pressure the Peasants into Our Cage!"
I am $40k in debt for education I cannot currently use.
I want to write more thoughts on the episodes because I feel like that might help them 'stick' better, but my mental health has been in the decline for a few weeks.
I started re-watching SG-1 sometime after my hitting an emotional and mental health wall on and around Mother's Day. So even that was part of the downhill slope I've been trying to stave off like Sisyphus.
Around the same time, my dad started being quite troubled by something and getting really fixated on his weight and appearance and general self-care. This was associated with his basically not wanting to spend the rest of his life alone. I mean, I knew that was coming, but I also didn't expect it quite so soon. On the other hand, I think for men about six months into bereavement this is kind of a normal development, from observation. At least for Boomer men, though my dad isn't a particularly egregious 'Boomer' stereotype.
The other day he guilted me into going and keeping him company while he laid sod on the grave site he's been working on in a community cemetery. He finally, reluctantly, told me what he had been avoiding telling me for weeks. I don't even really want to write it down in full detail, mostly out of respect for his feelings, but the broad strokes of it is that he indicated very gentle, tentative interest (a 'do you EVER think we could go down that path') toward someone he shouldn't have that kind of makes things awkward for me. Not 'shouldn't have' in the moral sense, in my opinion, but 'shouldn't have' in a 'should have seen it wouldn't go well and should have asked me first,' kind of sense. He says now he wished he had talked to me about it first, but it was something that he didn't want to bring up because he thought that if nothing came of it that it wouldn't hurt me not to know. But like, dude, that was your brain trying to tell you that maybe this was a bit weird and soon if not wrong.
I don't blame him for being off his equilibrium, though.
It just contributes to my feeling rather unmoored, though. Mostly in a minor way. There's other stuff that weighs heavier on me.
The whole not having a job or a real hope of ever getting one I want again is really weighing on me. Even discounting the 'wanting' part, I can't even get most service jobs because I have a Master's degree and no experience whatsoever in food service or the rest of the service industry.
My dad is making it okay, and I have enough money that I think I can just kind of live and eat and not do much through the summer without much problem. Beyond that, if I don't find something, I'm very screwed financially. And my dad can't really afford to keep being my stop-gap forever.
I have applied for so many jobs, and I guess it's just discouraging that none of them have resulted in follow-up calls. I guess I started applying in earnest in late March, and there's been nothing. Not one. Ugh.
I got a few invitations to an "open interview" being held at the grocery store and, like, no. I applied to a specific position and if you can't be bothered to give me specific interview time, then no. Nope.
I know I probably shouldn't even be that picky, but I am so disgusted by this current culture of "They should be desperate we will pay UP TO $10/hour and they will lap out of our hands???" shit and then whining "Nobody wants to work anymore," which is code for "Big Brother Whom We Hate Please Try to Pressure the Peasants into Our Cage!"
I am $40k in debt for education I cannot currently use.