phone calls to heaven

[prixmium]

I was listening to a 48 Hours episode on YouTube about the murder of a young mom. At the end, they talked about how the little girl asked her grandmother if she could see her mom one more time. Then, when she explained she was in heaven now, she asked if her mom had a phone number there. I almost burst into tears in public. I wish my mom had a phone number in heaven, too.

I feel very alone lately. I sleep almost every hour I'm not at work. My best friend is really busy with her job lately and doesn't have much energy or time for me, and I struggle to wake up in the early morning hours to spend any time with either of my two closest friends very often. Even when I do, my best friend is really quiet and tired.

I used to cope through my life with sharing sort of fanfic-y "yes and" stories with friends through text/discord. Now, I don't have any of that kind of interaction with anyone. No one has the time or cares enough. And it makes it hard to be very into anything that might have otherwise kept me sane in the past.

I don't even really know how to make fandomy posts anymore. It sucks. I used to be able to go on and on for hours. Now I've lost the gift for starting anything.

I feel like a work robot who comes home and puts itself on a charger at night.

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

I'm so sorry.

Like you I miss not really being fannish right now. Hopefully it will come back somehow.

[prixmium]

Thank you <3 It is helpful to just be acknowledged.

[mindstalk]

Sympathies.

Would you like fanfic recs, where we have overlapping fandoms?

[prixmium]

Sure, if you have any!

[mindstalk]

Okay, here's a sample. Title, author, notes, or sometimes in reverse, or not at all; my fanfic file is not consistent. + means positive, ++ very positive, no rating means I entered the fic before I started rating, but presumably having entered it at all is worth something.

The Sacred and the Profane, afrai, reversed Aziraphale and Crowley.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/32559436

Icarus and the Sea, Varrick/Zhu Li, Unpretty, ++
https://archiveofourown.org/works/2808119

Korrasami date night, +
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10954043/1/A-Date-Night-to-Remember-Or-City-Fishing

once a queen of narnia, always a queen, dirgewithoutmusic, series
https://archiveofourown.org/series/82624

Susan's rage at being a child again (author of Digger!)
Elegant and Fine
http://www.redwombatstudio.com/blog/?p=5239

A friend's Edmund fic http://archiveofourown.org/works/456023

Trek/Who crossover, well integrated with a twist. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9319253/1/A-Captain-And-A-Madman

Harkness joins, Practical Mythology +++
https://archiveofourown.org/series/736911

To Catch Us When We Fall, lyricswritesprose
Jack and Alonso http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=45542 ++

I could also simply recommend checking out of all of lyricswritesprose's Who fics.

Who, "Maps Written in Code" http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=48320

"To the Stars", verrry long ongoing Madoka space opera set mostly around the year 2460. I've read it 3 times, so you know I like it, but it is a big commitment. Has spawned its own fanfics. https://archiveofourown.org/works/777002

I have a bunch more Who and Good Omens and Madoka fics saved, but I'm not always sure of "this was good" vs. "this was somewhat interesting." And a lot of the Madoka ones are probably smut, but I don't know which.

[peaked]

I'm sorry that you're in this club. I wish I had an answer for you that would make it all better, but this club just really sucks. Sometimes I feel like you just have to be a robot until you stop feeling robotic.

But what I find really helpful, and maybe this will help you, too, is that I just talk to my mum (usually when I'm alone in the house). You can also write her letters if you like. Just because she's not physically here doesn't mean you can't still talk to her—especially if that will give you some comfort.

I didn't want to scroll past this post without saying I know how this feels and it sucks, but I think it's just another way of showing how much you love her, even if it's not the way you'd prefer to feel/express it. ♥

[prixmium]

I really appreciate this advice. Sometimes, when I pray, especially right after she died, I would ask God to relay messages for me.

These days, I do it in my mind, too. It hurts a lot just not having the companionship and advice through life.