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Since my mom passed away, there are certain things that, logistically, have become a lot easier. I honestly don't know when my mom began to suffer from her underlying cancer, but I think it's pretty obvious that she was sick for longer that she actually knew. I am so grateful for the time I had with her mid-year last year, but by the time her disease progressed to the point of her end of life, life around here was pretty much suspended except for the hospice care stuff.

One day, she directly told me not to feel guilty for the aspects of life I felt relieved about when she was gone.

Right after she passed, I got on top of a few things like clearing out some of her clothes, going through other pieces of it, going through jewelry and trying to make sense of it. Then I came down with COVID about two weeks later, and I haven't really gotten back on the hose in some ways as far as the going through mom's stuff goes.

There's a lot less laundry now. My dad has been doing most of it with the expectation that I help fold and put things away. I mostly fold towels.

Since my mom had been very sick, it had become sort of routine for me to start to be my dad's helper around the house. When my mom was still younger and well, she was the queen of housekeeping, but between depression and physical deterioration, it had not been quite as obvious a trait in the past couple of years. With my mom's disability, there were a lot of things that she had to take care of that an average person doesn't think too much about.

Today, I spent at least an hour if not two working in the downstairs bathroom. I threw out old and near-gone cleaning chemicals that I will not personally use. I definitely tend toward the "natural" options for cleaning agents both out of environmental concern and because things that have strong detergent and bleach-y smells make me nauseated and can be migraine triggers. General straightening up and washing dusty and soapy plastic storage stuff. There was this weird turn-table that I think is at least as old as I am under there with some rust on it that I don't know if there's any point in keeping. A large orange plastic bowl that may have been used as a personal hygiene tool and may have been used for some other purpose.

Afterward, I took a shower and went to get something to eat. I'd been kind of craving fish, so I got something at Captain D's. Decided it was like... not disappointing enough to complain, exactly, but at a price point where I feel like I could buy anyone else's fish from a Burger King fish sandwich to a sit-down restaurant's $15 offering and be happier with it. The woman who helped me at the counter was really nice, though.

Honestly I need to just learn that I mostly like ceviche, fish sandwiches, occasional sushi, and popcorn shrimp. Other stuff too, but it's a headache to get or make. There's a place in the town where the church is that has EXCELLENT ceviche even if their salsa is a little garlicky and chunky for my taste (and I love garlic).

Food is like... the only thing I can do to entertain myself around here. That has been apparent both through the pandemic and before it.

My dad went to play golf alone today. Don't know if he played a full round. I think he's going to play with a group of men he meets most Tuesdays.

I'm really glad he has stuff like that. He's been amazingly well-adjusted through losing my mom. He even is the one who interred her ashes.

I can't help feeling a little slighted, though, when he has that much of "a life" while I am basically stuck at home doing nothing or housework. I don't have any income, and I'm living on his good graces and stuff, so I don't have that much room to complain. He doesn't take advantage of me, but it can still feel a little unfair?