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Since my mom passed away, there are certain things that, logistically, have become a lot easier. I honestly don't know when my mom began to suffer from her underlying cancer, but I think it's pretty obvious that she was sick for longer that she actually knew. I am so grateful for the time I had with her mid-year last year, but by the time her disease progressed to the point of her end of life, life around here was pretty much suspended except for the hospice care stuff.
One day, she directly told me not to feel guilty for the aspects of life I felt relieved about when she was gone.
Right after she passed, I got on top of a few things like clearing out some of her clothes, going through other pieces of it, going through jewelry and trying to make sense of it. Then I came down with COVID about two weeks later, and I haven't really gotten back on the hose in some ways as far as the going through mom's stuff goes.
There's a lot less laundry now. My dad has been doing most of it with the expectation that I help fold and put things away. I mostly fold towels.
Since my mom had been very sick, it had become sort of routine for me to start to be my dad's helper around the house. When my mom was still younger and well, she was the queen of housekeeping, but between depression and physical deterioration, it had not been quite as obvious a trait in the past couple of years. With my mom's disability, there were a lot of things that she had to take care of that an average person doesn't think too much about.
Today, I spent at least an hour if not two working in the downstairs bathroom. I threw out old and near-gone cleaning chemicals that I will not personally use. I definitely tend toward the "natural" options for cleaning agents both out of environmental concern and because things that have strong detergent and bleach-y smells make me nauseated and can be migraine triggers. General straightening up and washing dusty and soapy plastic storage stuff. There was this weird turn-table that I think is at least as old as I am under there with some rust on it that I don't know if there's any point in keeping. A large orange plastic bowl that may have been used as a personal hygiene tool and may have been used for some other purpose.
Afterward, I took a shower and went to get something to eat. I'd been kind of craving fish, so I got something at Captain D's. Decided it was like... not disappointing enough to complain, exactly, but at a price point where I feel like I could buy anyone else's fish from a Burger King fish sandwich to a sit-down restaurant's $15 offering and be happier with it. The woman who helped me at the counter was really nice, though.
Honestly I need to just learn that I mostly like ceviche, fish sandwiches, occasional sushi, and popcorn shrimp. Other stuff too, but it's a headache to get or make. There's a place in the town where the church is that has EXCELLENT ceviche even if their salsa is a little garlicky and chunky for my taste (and I love garlic).
Food is like... the only thing I can do to entertain myself around here. That has been apparent both through the pandemic and before it.
My dad went to play golf alone today. Don't know if he played a full round. I think he's going to play with a group of men he meets most Tuesdays.
I'm really glad he has stuff like that. He's been amazingly well-adjusted through losing my mom. He even is the one who interred her ashes.
I can't help feeling a little slighted, though, when he has that much of "a life" while I am basically stuck at home doing nothing or housework. I don't have any income, and I'm living on his good graces and stuff, so I don't have that much room to complain. He doesn't take advantage of me, but it can still feel a little unfair?
One day, she directly told me not to feel guilty for the aspects of life I felt relieved about when she was gone.
Right after she passed, I got on top of a few things like clearing out some of her clothes, going through other pieces of it, going through jewelry and trying to make sense of it. Then I came down with COVID about two weeks later, and I haven't really gotten back on the hose in some ways as far as the going through mom's stuff goes.
There's a lot less laundry now. My dad has been doing most of it with the expectation that I help fold and put things away. I mostly fold towels.
Since my mom had been very sick, it had become sort of routine for me to start to be my dad's helper around the house. When my mom was still younger and well, she was the queen of housekeeping, but between depression and physical deterioration, it had not been quite as obvious a trait in the past couple of years. With my mom's disability, there were a lot of things that she had to take care of that an average person doesn't think too much about.
Today, I spent at least an hour if not two working in the downstairs bathroom. I threw out old and near-gone cleaning chemicals that I will not personally use. I definitely tend toward the "natural" options for cleaning agents both out of environmental concern and because things that have strong detergent and bleach-y smells make me nauseated and can be migraine triggers. General straightening up and washing dusty and soapy plastic storage stuff. There was this weird turn-table that I think is at least as old as I am under there with some rust on it that I don't know if there's any point in keeping. A large orange plastic bowl that may have been used as a personal hygiene tool and may have been used for some other purpose.
Afterward, I took a shower and went to get something to eat. I'd been kind of craving fish, so I got something at Captain D's. Decided it was like... not disappointing enough to complain, exactly, but at a price point where I feel like I could buy anyone else's fish from a Burger King fish sandwich to a sit-down restaurant's $15 offering and be happier with it. The woman who helped me at the counter was really nice, though.
Honestly I need to just learn that I mostly like ceviche, fish sandwiches, occasional sushi, and popcorn shrimp. Other stuff too, but it's a headache to get or make. There's a place in the town where the church is that has EXCELLENT ceviche even if their salsa is a little garlicky and chunky for my taste (and I love garlic).
Food is like... the only thing I can do to entertain myself around here. That has been apparent both through the pandemic and before it.
My dad went to play golf alone today. Don't know if he played a full round. I think he's going to play with a group of men he meets most Tuesdays.
I'm really glad he has stuff like that. He's been amazingly well-adjusted through losing my mom. He even is the one who interred her ashes.
I can't help feeling a little slighted, though, when he has that much of "a life" while I am basically stuck at home doing nothing or housework. I don't have any income, and I'm living on his good graces and stuff, so I don't have that much room to complain. He doesn't take advantage of me, but it can still feel a little unfair?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-27 07:03 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2021-04-28 05:38 am (UTC)From:I was studying Japanese pretty diligently for a while there, but I quit again except for the passive "Oh I recognize a phrase," on the rare occasions I watch anime. I got discouraged about Japan's stupid bass-ackwards pandemic response keeping me out of work for another six months. Bitter, so I quit lol.
I should start again, but again. Motivation.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-28 05:57 am (UTC)From:You sound stuck physically in an unexciting place, and your mother died recently, and you've had covid; it's okay to be in the dumps and take care of yourself, any one of those are good reasons.
OTOH you sound like you're languishing/surviving, rather than flourishing/thriving, and presumably you'd rather be the latter. Which is hard! I know it too well. And grief or long covid effects don't make it easier. But nonetheless it won't happen without actual steps. I find it helpful to aim for small steps, "the power of small wins". 10 points a day in Duolingo, some new vocab, at least a 5 minute walk, a bit of whatever exercise I can manage (gimp wrist has ruled out push-ups, very annoying). I actually have a checklist of stuff I do do every day (email, webcomics) and the other stuff, and I mark things I've done that day. So if something falls behind webcomics, that's a sign. Conversely, it's a textual reminder of things to try to mark off.
Sometimes a little bit leads to doing more, because often the hard part is getting started at all; if not, at least I've done a little bit.
An intermittently useful trick is to ask "what do I wish past-me had done for me? I should do that for future-me."
no subject
Date: 2021-04-28 07:11 am (UTC)From:And yeah, I think I relate to it.
Anyway, I had been in a good habit of walking, too, but I am very heat sensitive as I mentioned in my most recent post. I have been walking some this week, but it's still in the "everything hurts after" stage of readjustment. When I'm in the swing of things I can walk for an hour without a real problem. It's the heat/sun that kills me, and being a short woman I won't do it in the actual dark.
I like your last sentence and will bear it in mind. It's just that right now it's hard to think of anything as particularly worthwhile because I keep feeling gut-punched back into "nope, none for you" territory, so what's the point?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-28 10:48 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2021-04-28 12:51 am (UTC)From:Fast food is increasing in price and decreasing in quality. I've been trying to do healthier and 'better' take out, and end up paying nearly the same prices. There's a Mediterranean place called Pita Corner here, yesterday I got some great food and even had leftovers for lunch today so it actually came out cheaper than going through a drive thru! It takes a bit more effort, but I often order and pay online, then just go pick the food up when it's ready. I don't know if you have any good alternatives in your area though. If you have an Arby's near you, their fish sandwich is actually very good.
I hope things start looking up for you soon.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-28 05:24 am (UTC)From:I also try to cook sometime and as much as I enjoy cooking success on the rare occasion, I find that my dad and I both just don't eat leftovers enough -- especially not of stuff I make -- to make it worth it... Makes me sad. I have some soup I made two weeks ago I need to throw out because I just made way too damn much.
And yeah, as far as the "contributing to society thing"! In my opinion, people being expected to do the same thing for 50 weeks a year is a bit much and unfair, which is the main reason I ran from the one office job I ever had.
That said, I think it's also painfully obvious that people who aren't disabled, mentally or physically, beyond the ability to work would not work under less capitalism hellscape condition because... yeah, most people WANT to do something with at least some of their time.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-29 12:58 am (UTC)From:I can't really cook much now although I do have kitchen privileges, for reasons I won't get into. So I've been doing more take out than I used to.
I just felt more worthless when I wasn't working, since I don't have family and am very isolated if not going out to work. My self-worth isn't very high, so pathetic as it may be, I feel better about myself when I can help someone at work or solve a complicated problem. It's not much, but it's all I've got.
I'd love a 'less capitalism hellscape condition' if I could afford it! Working part time would be lovely. Which I will probably be doing -- out of necessity after I 'retire'! Sadly that's the way of our country these days, they work us to death so the rich can get richer and we can barely afford a place to live.