prixmium: (Default)
Writing is a lonely prospect these days. I remember when LiveJournal made it easy to feel like there was a community around writing for a fandom or a ship, even if it was small. It tended to lead to greater creativity because it didn't feel like screaming into a void.

These days, I'm tempted to post my stuff here, but I feel like most people who read my blog as very general fellow bloggers, so I wonder if I should make a little quarantine community for it to separate the fandomy posting of fic from the general rambling about life and stuff. But then I wonder if that's just keeping any eyeballs from the fic that would've otherwise been on it.

This was a conversation people were having on reddit earlier, too, to which I contributed.
prixmium: (skyeward - untidy)
For some reason, I tend to keep my fic ideas locked up in my head like it's somehow going to spoil the surprise of all no people I know who read them. In the interest of keeping something from going away when I go to sleep...
  • Kurisu trapped working for SERN while Okabe escapes and builds the Resistance angst
  • Mikiya with The Flight Attendant line as reference. Maybe vampire or vampire-like creature that I intentionally don't elaborate upon.
prixmium: (Default)
I had a strangely good day in terms of unexpected events.

I awakened to find an email from Dreamwidth Studios that I had been randomly selected to receive a donated Paid Account for a year! That's great, because I have been using the website more often lately. I've been trying to be more present with... well, anything, and it seems to help to be on these more Internet 1.5 websites... I had a paid account for a few years now, but right now anything other than food or something that will have a direct impact on my material existence seems like a stupid frivolity. I had planned to purchase a paid account again, but I just... hadn't made myself. I'm really thankful, kind strangers on Dreamwidth! I almost never win random odds ANYTHING, so it's really nice.

Then, when I got to work, I received an email to request a direct interview with an international school in another part of Tokyo! This application is really satisfying to get a response to, because I had to pay a platform to be allowed to put in yet another application... So, here's hoping that I might get it. It would be a significant pay bump, and I would just enjoy the work as much or more than anything I've ever done, I think. I'll be interviewing with them next week.

Finally, I was scheduled to have 10 classes today. It's manageable but hectic. However, I ended up with only 6 due to several absences. It was nice. Very breezy and let me get lesson plans done through next Tuesday which means that for the last two days this week, I can dedicate office time to curriculum adoption instead of lesson planning, if my boss doesn't give me something else to do.

When I started in June and for the first couple months, Mondays were trial by fire for everyone. In the 5:00 PM slot, there's this group of five very difficult to manage elementary school boys that, every time I think I'm getting some cooperation, it's two steps forward and one step back. At least one step back. This past Monday was Respect for the Elderly Day in Japan, so it's a public holiday for most things. Our schedule doesn't take into account public holidays and has separate holidays instead, so my boss invited the boys' parents to come see their behavior. A few showed up but mostly stayed outside the room and talked with my boss. They observed for a little while. It was chaotic but not terrible chaotic. We'll see if any of the progress sticks next Monday...

Anyway, until a couple weeks ago, there were 11 classes on Mondays, the most I had all week, and it included 2 of about 3 classes that have members who ever give me a really difficult or disrespectful time. Some Mondays, I would come out of it feeling really emotionally battered by a couple of 8 or 9 year old boys! It was awful.

Recently, however, there have been some schedule shifts. This means there will usually be only 8-10 classes on Monday, still getting a good chunk of the difficult stuff over with at the beginning of the week, but with a couple of more cooperative students moved to different days of the week. Now, Tuesday or Wednesday will be the technically busiest day usually, but those include both more one-on-one classes and more mature students, whether they be elementary school kids or older kids and adults. It's more balanced, and I'm grateful for that.

Plus, I think that will be better for whoever replaces me, in the end.

Right now, I think I am doing a good job most days. My boss offers genuine thanks and praise sometimes. However, I am still having problems with her anxiety cloud casting this dreadful glow over me.

I work 1:30 PM to 9:00 or so most days. Technically, my hours are until 9:30, but if my boss has decided we're done for the day, we leave a bit before that. She's eager to go home, and I think she basically schedules that buffer for if something went wrong? But anyway, I am supposed to have an hour break in there. It's actually required by law. However, my break is usually broken up into two half-hour chunks. However, what's actually happening is that most of the time I'm not actually getting a break that long during any time period. If I get a half hour break, I'm usually doing paperwork to make stuff easier for the next day for at least 20 minutes of that break. It's somewhat a choice, but it's one of those things where I'm always trying to keep on top of things such that my job feels more steady instead of boom and bust.

However, my boss is this anxious church mouse who is obviously a bit nervous and judgmental anytime I'm sitting there doing nothing or on my phone or whatever. Even though I'm doing volumes of work that are sometimes working ahead into the next week.

It frustrates me, but I'm also trying to get brave enough that at a certain point, when it's officially my break time, I will just sit there and read my phone right in front of her no matter what it does to her aura.

I hate the nitpicky supervision, though it isn't constant. I put up with so much crap. Like, her four year old grandson is there pretty often because she helps out when her daughter and son-in-law need a pinch-hit for looking after him. I don't mind! I find him somewhat charming. But yesterday, some of their other family members were there for a little bit, and he ran into the office where I was working, came up to me, kicked me in the thigh (medium pressure, non injurious but not very comfortable either) and ran off again. I didn't say a word about it. I think he was being playful/giving me attention in his own way. He sometimes comes up and tickles me and it's, like, obviously friendly. This was less easy to read, but I think it was still that kind of thing. That said, if I have to sometimes (not at that moment) impromptu babysit, and you ask forgiveness and not permission while you stop looking after your grandson and just leave him in my general vicinity, then you can fuck off about whether or not you like my smartphone habits.

Anyway, I'm venting. It's not a terrible job. She's not a terrible person. But sometimes, she's a crappy boss.

Two or three friends have suggested that these "behaviors" are why other people in my position have left before. It could be. I wish I could find out what exactly were the tenures of my predecessors...

Anyway, I am currently looking not just out of resentment. There have been days when I have the slightly petty thought of, like, "the smaller you make the bullseye to make you happy, the further my foot is out the door and you don't even know it yet." On other days, I feel kind of bad that I will leave her given the opportunity before a year is up. My contract says I can voluntarily retire with 90 days notice, and I will do it if the opportunity comes up.

I dread what might happen next with regard to my comfort levels in my own home, since my rent is played through my work as is common in these situations, but I will get through it by the grace of God. This woman claims to be a Christian. Let her show it.

Earlier, I opened instagram and happened across a reel by the "antiworkgirlboss" account where she was talking about "Performance Improvement Plans," which are typically used as a way for a job that has to give reasons to fire you to start the process of firing you. I don't think my job is anywhere near that point. I think she likes me most of the time. I think I'm doing a good job most of the time. However, one thing this reel said really resonated with me. Basically, when you've been given forewarning that a job is about to end, you need to start looking for another and emotionally disassociate from your current job.

I definitely get emotionally wrapped up in my jobs. I think most teachers do. I still, every day, go in wanting the best outcomes for students.

And, for example, my boss currently has me learning about a different curriculum to phase into using over the next several level changes for sme students.

I'm doing it. I'm learning a skill. And I'm also writing up a doc and sharing it with her, which I'll make a copy of after I'm doing and unattach my version wen I leave the job. I am consciously doing things that will make it easier for whoever she has to train next. But, it's going to be someone if I am blessed with the opportunity to take a job where I am in my skillset and being treated with the level of professional dignity I have earned.

She gives me some professional dignity and treats me well especially when I'm working with the age group I'm licensed to teach. However, working with the younger kids is a challenge for me. I'm learning, but I don't want to feel looked down upon for not being a perfect natural mother who speaks Japanese all the time. I know some of it is my rejection sensitivity, too.

Still, I think it's even a responsible thing to try and move into a position where I am best utilizing my skill set.

And, now that I have written all that down... I'm trying to let it go until tomorrow.

I'm still having a lot of trouble letting my work live at work. Not making it my whole personality, even when I am compartmentalizing it.

I've been wanting to write more lately. You might have noticed with the bingo card. I also signed up for a ficathon. The two might overlap. But I am also worried about whether or not I can even focus on any of them.

I can't decide if I want to work on WIPs in fandoms I've been in for a while or if I want to start new things, one-shots or potential WIPs. I want to make myself happy with writing, but I am human and also want community and attention, and the latter is really, really hard to come by as a writer these days.
prixmium: (hamilton - write your way out)
Song with multiple singers on the track 80's song Folk song Song that isn't available on mainstream digital music platforms Meme song
Romantic song Song from a concept album/rock opera First line of a song Song with an article in the title Song from a musical
Slow song Song < 2 minutes long FREE SPACE Lyric with "light" or "dark" Song released in 2024
Breakup song Song with a title one word long Pre-1950's song Line from the chorus Angry song
Happy song
"every time i look at you, i just don't care"
SK8
Reki/Langa

"Somebody to You" by the Vamps and Demi Lovato
50's song
"Why Do Fools Fall in Love?"
Doctor Who/The Chronicles of Narnia
Susan Pevensie &/ Jack Harkness

"Why Do Fools Fall in Love" by Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers
Fast song
"I'm not winning, but I'm having a very good time..."
Kara no Kyoukai | The Garden of Sinners
Kokutou Mikiya

"Good Time Girl" by Sofi Tukker feat. Charlie Barker
Lyric with "sleep" or "wake" Song with a color in the title

(source: https://lyricaltitles.dreamwidth.org/13913.html)



Ideas

Read more... )
prixmium: (Default)
I mentioned that I had gotten wind of a Year of the OTP event from a discord server I'm in. Apparently it's hosted by a discord server I'm not even in about batfam fandom but is open to any fandom. If I do it, I'll probably do multiple ships.

Anyway, here's the image and the link to the details:



Source Link
prixmium: (good omens - competence)
So I finished rewatching Season 1 of Stargate SG-1. Started yesterday evening and have been up all damn night again.

talk of medication )

But anyway, yeah I finished SG-1's first season, and I am filled with Jack/Daniel feelings.

I really want to write a fic or two for them, but for some reason I have been hung up on the fact that I cannot figure out exactly when or where I'd set it. Of course, anything I wrote would by its very nature be a canon-divergent AU, so why should it matter?

But I have been getting very stuck on needing the context and justification of everything to be perfect.

Fandom-trauma is a thing I guess.

I just really want to write a short but believable shippy story for them that doesn't treat it like it's just... easy.

Thinking about doing it for this challenge among other things, but I would need a stable sort of concept first that would be the appropriate size.

I really want to stop giving myself novel-length premises just because I feel the need to defend my story like a lawyer in court.
prixmium: stonehenge in sunlight (stonehenge in sunlight)
A card from [community profile] genprompt_bingo. No idea how I'll do with this, but I'm trying to give myself something to do kind of between chapters of daunting, old WIPs I've been trying to dust off.

Anger Farce DNA Bright Colours We're Surrounded!
Episode Tags and Missing Scenes Pack River / Stream / Brook The Company of Strangers Outsider / Outlaw
These are a few of my Favourite Things Sun and Stars Wild Card Surreality Curtainfic (and similar)
The Early Hours before Dawn Tension Anthropomorphic Personifications of Abstract Concepts Freckles Virtue and Vice
Beautiful Cowardly Initiation / Hazing Elves, Fairies, Pixies and Brownies Violence

prixmium: (rose tyler - scared)
Yeah, so Mother's Day sucked for me. I cried quite a bit through the night. Managed to go to church and then afterward came home and ate dinner with my dad. We planned ahead and didn't bother trying to buy anything from a restaurant because of it being Mother's Day with this whole restaurant worker shortage thing.

CW: emetophobia

Didn't actually throw up, but felt like I came extremely close to it a few times today.

I think it's a combination of, perhaps, having a lower amount of food that my body wants to tolerate at once and also the fact that when one cries a lot that sobbing gesture kind of gets abdominal muscles ready to heave again at the slightest provocation.

Slept for a long, long time through the afternoon.

I've been having particularly vivid dreams, but only some of them come out the other side as narratives.

I guess I'm feeling slightly less gutted than before, having processed a day of grief. My body and mind have had enough.

But it feels a bit like I've fallen down into a valley in a sort of Sisyphus way and have to start pushing the boulder up the hill again with regard to, like, being creative or feeling human or anything. I almost feel guilty about wanting to go back to where I was a few weeks ago with wanting to write/be creative.

I keep thinking about all the things I'm not.

I'm not...

a mother

employed.


Both of those have been really getting to me lately. It's not like I want a kid to deal with right now, but there is the sense that I will likely never be able to afford to be a mom and will likely never have a partner to raise a kid with, and that kind of feels like an indictment when people I remember being tiny toddlers have babies now.

Before this spiral, I found some pretty neat writing resources and video essays on this youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC20oEMuKgfaNBfpV7JlFRQQ

Her name is Abbie Emmons and I really enjoy, in particular, her dissection of "negative" character arc which I think will be useful for me if I keep writing what I was last working on at all.

Part of me just feels guilty wanting to wake up and do anything without an income.

I feel useless and like a drain on the world.

Feels like I shouldn't have things I want to do in such a state.
prixmium: (hamilton - write your way out)
Challenge #3

Pimp Your Favorite Communities, Fests or Challenges! Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

What makes fandom more fun is when more people get involved. Tell us where the party is. Or, if you’re stuck in a rut yourself and looking for things to get you out of it, peruse your fellow participant’s posts and see where they go. You never know where you might find your next fandom squee play place!


I'm more a follower than a leader when it comes to these types of things, but I'll try.

[community profile] lands_of_magic


I wish I could be more involved, but I really enjoy [community profile] lands_of_magic. Click the image below to sign up! I really loved the concept of a landcomm when I joined one before LJ fell to the wayside for the segments of fandom I was in. While I haven't interacted as much as I could have, doing these from time to time has been a great way for me to not feel like I have done nothing while I've been facing a general inability to write fic/participate in fic exchanges for the past six months or so. There are a large variety of challenges and often several ways to complete the challenges. In order to stay an active member once you join, you only have to complete two challenges per round (a period of several months), so it is pretty low-pressure and what-you-make-it. It also went on a hiatus between this round and the previous one and actually came back! So that's a vote of confidence.

If you choose to sign up tell them I ([personal profile] prixmium) referred you, please. ♥



[community profile] npt_admin



In the past, I have really enjoyed participating in Not Primetime (administrative posts at [community profile] npt_admin. I wasn't able to participate this past year, and it looks like it's possible that it will be a fest instead of an exchange next year. I've always enjoyed it because often my fandoms are somewhat too big for Yuletide but aren't megafandoms either, and that's the niche this exchange is meant to fill.

[community profile] chocolateboxcomm and [community profile] trickortreatex



If I'm not mistaken both [community profile] chocolateboxcomm and [community profile] trickortreatex are run by the same fan/mod? If any case, they are both similar exchanges. They have a word-count minimum at only 300 words and don't have fandom restrictions unless it's just poor-taste author veto, I assume. Chocolate Box's sign-ups are open now! Trick or TreatChocolate Box focuses on relationships primarily, be they gen or shippy, Trick or Treat has an element that you are going for a treat (something sweet, fluffy, or happy) or a trick (something with darker themes) and you can specify what you do or don't want with regard to that. The tiny word count is meant to encourage treat fics (in the sense of extra fics based on prompts that speak to you), so I think it's a great way to build your "portfolio" if you want while participating in the fannish community.

prixmium: (reylo - i saw you trun)
From this list.

“Write about a moment experienced through your body. Making love, making breakfast, going to a party, having a fight, an experience you’ve had or you imagine for your character. Leave out thought and emotion, and let all information be conveyed through the body and senses.” (A prompt from Barbara Abercrombie’s creative book Kicking In The Wall: A Year of Writing Exercises, Prompts and Quotes To Help You Break Through Your Blocks And Reach Your Writing Goals.)

I'm breathing in cold air, walking toward the door. I stop to look up at the sky. There is less light pollution here than back home. I lift my head until I feel the muscles in my neck stretch taut. I look at the stars. There is a streetlight to my back. Looking toward it, I see no stars. Looking over the roof of the house, I can see Orion on his side.
prixmium: (Default)
Hey friends-list,

Does anyone have some advice for how to handle a "Time Loop" prompt in a way that won't turn into an absolute monster? I already have trouble with being concise. I think it could be fun, but I am struggling with something that wouldn't try to morph into an epic I don't have the time or patience for right now.
prixmium: (skyeward - untidy)
I need some more icons. Specifically, I need a Doctor Who one, but it is way too difficult to choose just one character or pairing? I guess I would pick Clara if I had to choose the companion I projected onto the most, but I don't necessarily LIKE her more than everyone else. And I am sort of in an early New Who mood. But that is making me feel all kinds of weird. Will come back to that in a second.

Japan is 13 hours ahead of Eastern Time right now (eff daylight savings idk what anything is), which meant that I thought that I might still stand a chance of churning out some shitty ficlets that wouldn't even resemble short fics so much as disembodied paragraphs to finish up my [community profile] trope_bingo card. But then I awakened at like 3:30 in the morning, feeling like it might kill me but still feeling compelled. Then on a prayer I checked the community, and there was a surprise extension of one week due to the host thinking they may not have reliable internet access to close up the round.

I am happy and even more determined to give it a good go. I am definitely mostly staying home this weekend.

I went back to Osaka to see my friends again, even though I really did not want to spend the money. I am glad I went. I ended up being able to provide some moral support during another crisis they were having about being able to stay together here in Japan. Since this is in public, I won't go into too many details, but even though it was expensive it felt like I "should" have been there.

However, I am DEFINITELY staying home for a while when I am not at work. My schedule this semester has been so flippin' weird. We will have only had four weeks out of twelve where we actually attended five days, and we have already had one. I am off this coming Monday again, and then it is three full weeks after that plus two days? Then I am done. Which is wild.

I still do not know what I am going to be doing for a job come January... Anyone who wants to help me brainstorm about that is free. I really want to find a teaching job in the States, but that seems just really difficult to swing given that I can't just up and move without a guarantee of a safe and reasonable place to live. That is one reason it kind of seems like EFL is the only viable option even though it sorta sucks to be on the other side of the world from everyone.

Anyway, I am really pleased that I got the extension on the bingo card.

My Good Omens feelings are still going strong, but given my best friend's sudden resurgent interest in it, I have finally been revisiting the beginning of New Who. And it makes me happy, but it also gives me this lingering, weird sense of melancholy. I am not quite sure why, but thinking about it and other fandoms I was into even as few as four or five years ago primarily makes me feel a bit like I wasted a lot of time. I feel like I used to have more robust and creative ideas that I should have gotten down rather than being pulled along by life. It makes me feel wrung out, and I feel like I see the reflection of a person that I used to be when I revisit these things. And I guess I get nervous that my gained "maturity" isn't ever gonna help me way that lost energy could have if I had used it in time. Also, I feel like that I have always been a reasonably "critical" fan, but in today's climate, I feel like I am just waiting for someone to pounce on me or my interests. It feels like fandom has become a reason to bully people, and it makes me cringe inside. I hope that I can stick to this little blogging experience and keep my head down and make some personal friendships that aren't based on agreeing with the groupthink consensus.

Speaking of groupthink, this is an entirely different thing but this playlist is great if you want a way to make sense of the way your internet friends end up getting radicalized by the Alt Right and how your seemingly kind but conservative family members seem to just kind of blindly abide fascism even if they would never outright agree with fascists:



link to full playlist


I will probably comment about this later, but the video "How to Radicalize a Normie" is something that I would like to bring up with people who judge me for wanting Grant Ward to be redeemed. Yeah, it was not necessarily any one person's JOB to redeem him, but the show touted this whole rhetoric of how they were all about getting to people in time, and yet there was always this whispered subtitle ("except Grant Ward").
prixmium: (Default)
Especially if I am going to finish my [community profile] trope_bingo card by Halloween to whatever extent I can, I have to write pretty fast. I am sitting here at work trying to brainstorm what I could write in my next break or tonight...

But I find that I like so many things in passing that it is hard to settle on what fandom to write for any given prompt. Sometimes it as an abundance of choices while other times it's like "what do I even like again?"

I guess so far I am thinking I might like to write something for:

- Good Omens
- Doctor Who
- White Collar


But like there are way more than that??? And I just wrote one for AoS and could do more. But yikes my brain. I want to sleep forever.
prixmium: (Default)
As the subject line says, I am frustrated that I am always freaking sleepy.

I have four more classes between me and a long weekend. I cannot wait, but I really do not know what I'm going to do with my time.

I would like to get some writing done. I actually wrote a fic earlier this week, but given its subject matter it probably isn't something that will gain much traction. At least it got a sort of brain-worm that has been around for years out of my head.

I still have an exchange fic to work on. For once, I know what I want to write. It is more just getting into the right headspace for it to actually be good... I really want it to be good. I feel pretty confident about the idea.
prixmium: (Default)
Finished my fic for [community profile] trickortreatex ages early! I hope that it works for my recipient. I didn't really have anything in common with them in terms of ship vibes, but it's a single character matching fic. I tried to write something that was gen but hit on emotional stuff they seemed into with a bit of a darker vibe given the trick or treat theme.
prixmium: (skyeward - untidy)
cages pandemics and epidemics job-related trauma bodyguards desecration
estrangement archaic medical treatment trust issues hypoglycemia / low blood sugar haunted
abuse substance addiction WILD CARD forced to rely on enemy / rival loss of powers
assault robots / androids / AIs restrained nervous breakdown suicide attempt
orphans group support possession / mind control vehicle crash captivity


Join me at [community profile] hc_bingo!


I haven't been able to participate in fandom much lately, and it is frustrating to me. It is difficult to muster motivation without some kind of prompting or feedback from others, but lately I feel like exchanges are really difficult. I signed up for this about a week ago. Hopefully if I get a real itch I can write some while still in Japan, but it is good into early next year. By that time, I should have fixed my lacking a computer situation...

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