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Somehow, I have made it to 2x16 of Stargate SG-1, and it doesn't seem possible that I have paid conscious attention to that many episodes. I don't know how they do that. It's sort of like letting candy dissolve in your mouth, and the plot-heavy episodes are notable like pleasant little Sour-Patch Kids sprinkled in.
I want to write more thoughts on the episodes because I feel like that might help them 'stick' better, but my mental health has been in the decline for a few weeks.
I started re-watching SG-1 sometime after my hitting an emotional and mental health wall on and around Mother's Day. So even that was part of the downhill slope I've been trying to stave off like Sisyphus.
Around the same time, my dad started being quite troubled by something and getting really fixated on his weight and appearance and general self-care. This was associated with his basically not wanting to spend the rest of his life alone. I mean, I knew that was coming, but I also didn't expect it quite so soon. On the other hand, I think for men about six months into bereavement this is kind of a normal development, from observation. At least for Boomer men, though my dad isn't a particularly egregious 'Boomer' stereotype.
The other day he guilted me into going and keeping him company while he laid sod on the grave site he's been working on in a community cemetery. He finally, reluctantly, told me what he had been avoiding telling me for weeks. I don't even really want to write it down in full detail, mostly out of respect for his feelings, but the broad strokes of it is that he indicated very gentle, tentative interest (a 'do you EVER think we could go down that path') toward someone he shouldn't have that kind of makes things awkward for me. Not 'shouldn't have' in the moral sense, in my opinion, but 'shouldn't have' in a 'should have seen it wouldn't go well and should have asked me first,' kind of sense. He says now he wished he had talked to me about it first, but it was something that he didn't want to bring up because he thought that if nothing came of it that it wouldn't hurt me not to know. But like, dude, that was your brain trying to tell you that maybe this was a bit weird and soon if not wrong.
I don't blame him for being off his equilibrium, though.
It just contributes to my feeling rather unmoored, though. Mostly in a minor way. There's other stuff that weighs heavier on me.
The whole not having a job or a real hope of ever getting one I want again is really weighing on me. Even discounting the 'wanting' part, I can't even get most service jobs because I have a Master's degree and no experience whatsoever in food service or the rest of the service industry.
My dad is making it okay, and I have enough money that I think I can just kind of live and eat and not do much through the summer without much problem. Beyond that, if I don't find something, I'm very screwed financially. And my dad can't really afford to keep being my stop-gap forever.
I have applied for so many jobs, and I guess it's just discouraging that none of them have resulted in follow-up calls. I guess I started applying in earnest in late March, and there's been nothing. Not one. Ugh.
I got a few invitations to an "open interview" being held at the grocery store and, like, no. I applied to a specific position and if you can't be bothered to give me specific interview time, then no. Nope.
I know I probably shouldn't even be that picky, but I am so disgusted by this current culture of "They should be desperate we will pay UP TO $10/hour and they will lap out of our hands???" shit and then whining "Nobody wants to work anymore," which is code for "Big Brother Whom We Hate Please Try to Pressure the Peasants into Our Cage!"
I am $40k in debt for education I cannot currently use.
I want to write more thoughts on the episodes because I feel like that might help them 'stick' better, but my mental health has been in the decline for a few weeks.
I started re-watching SG-1 sometime after my hitting an emotional and mental health wall on and around Mother's Day. So even that was part of the downhill slope I've been trying to stave off like Sisyphus.
Around the same time, my dad started being quite troubled by something and getting really fixated on his weight and appearance and general self-care. This was associated with his basically not wanting to spend the rest of his life alone. I mean, I knew that was coming, but I also didn't expect it quite so soon. On the other hand, I think for men about six months into bereavement this is kind of a normal development, from observation. At least for Boomer men, though my dad isn't a particularly egregious 'Boomer' stereotype.
The other day he guilted me into going and keeping him company while he laid sod on the grave site he's been working on in a community cemetery. He finally, reluctantly, told me what he had been avoiding telling me for weeks. I don't even really want to write it down in full detail, mostly out of respect for his feelings, but the broad strokes of it is that he indicated very gentle, tentative interest (a 'do you EVER think we could go down that path') toward someone he shouldn't have that kind of makes things awkward for me. Not 'shouldn't have' in the moral sense, in my opinion, but 'shouldn't have' in a 'should have seen it wouldn't go well and should have asked me first,' kind of sense. He says now he wished he had talked to me about it first, but it was something that he didn't want to bring up because he thought that if nothing came of it that it wouldn't hurt me not to know. But like, dude, that was your brain trying to tell you that maybe this was a bit weird and soon if not wrong.
I don't blame him for being off his equilibrium, though.
It just contributes to my feeling rather unmoored, though. Mostly in a minor way. There's other stuff that weighs heavier on me.
The whole not having a job or a real hope of ever getting one I want again is really weighing on me. Even discounting the 'wanting' part, I can't even get most service jobs because I have a Master's degree and no experience whatsoever in food service or the rest of the service industry.
My dad is making it okay, and I have enough money that I think I can just kind of live and eat and not do much through the summer without much problem. Beyond that, if I don't find something, I'm very screwed financially. And my dad can't really afford to keep being my stop-gap forever.
I have applied for so many jobs, and I guess it's just discouraging that none of them have resulted in follow-up calls. I guess I started applying in earnest in late March, and there's been nothing. Not one. Ugh.
I got a few invitations to an "open interview" being held at the grocery store and, like, no. I applied to a specific position and if you can't be bothered to give me specific interview time, then no. Nope.
I know I probably shouldn't even be that picky, but I am so disgusted by this current culture of "They should be desperate we will pay UP TO $10/hour and they will lap out of our hands???" shit and then whining "Nobody wants to work anymore," which is code for "Big Brother Whom We Hate Please Try to Pressure the Peasants into Our Cage!"
I am $40k in debt for education I cannot currently use.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-25 12:28 pm (UTC)From:I am sending good thoughts regarding your job search. You are in a tough spot because of the pandemic...job searching is just really really tough right now, and with your international focus the pandemic made everything even MORE difficult. You haven't done anything wrong! Hang in there. Also with the loss in your family, that makes everything much harder too. My heart just goes out to you.
Maybe you could volunteer somewhere now that things are opening up a bit more in your part of the country. That might make you feel better and give you some connections.
If you haven't discovered Ask A Manager yet, I can recommend that blog/advice column for great information on job searching in these tough times.
My niece and her husband graduated from college in 2009 and it took them over two years to find jobs in their fields. They worked at jobs that were "beneath them" and took help from their parents, but eventually things worked out great for them. None of it was their fault at the time; it was just the current situation, and they got very discouraged like you are. There is a place for you!!!
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 05:50 am (UTC)From:I really want to go back to Japan, but if I could get a job actually using my license, that would be great, too.
Is that 'Ask a Manager' thing just something I should google maybe? At the advice of someone else, I actually paid for a 3-month subscription to something called FlexJobs and while it seems like a good idea in theory, I am mostly looking for temporary-remote on there, and it's been hard to find any that don't want you to be at least semi-local.
I guess my thing is that I feel like a burden to my dad. He doesn't really have money beyond the immediate next-steps and is planning to work until he's 70 before even considering retirement. It is absolutely wild to me that we live in a society where "get your parents to help," is considered the default mechanism to cope with terrible economic structures. Not to say that your niece and her husband were wrong, but it just boggles my mind how much more well-off most middle class people are than my family has ever been.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 01:25 pm (UTC)From:Well, taking a job that is "beneath you" in order to help you dad with daily expenses -- that might take the sting out of it. That's a great reason for working in retail, etc. To come up with money quickly just to help your dad. Or you could temp -- people know and assume it's not permanent, so there's not the problem with being overqualified.
I am not trying to imply that "get your parents to help" is a universal solution. That is just what happened to my relatives. I was just pointing out that it took them a while to become independent after finishing college, longer than many people consider appropriate in this country. And of course sometimes people take turns helping. I have helped my parents many times -- not with money but with things they can't do any longer. It's so great when the relationships are positive and people can help each other.
Thinking of you.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 01:30 pm (UTC)From:I have been applying to as many as I find.
This morning, I applied to as many ELA positions as they had open in the county Chattanooga is in, so here's hoping maybe one of them will see fit to call me back.
I appreciate your thoughts <3
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 07:38 pm (UTC)From:Fingers crossed!
no subject
Date: 2021-05-25 05:10 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 05:59 am (UTC)From:I know the local library is looking for one librarian but I am definitely not qualified to do that. TBH our local library's offerings seem pretty sparse, and I think especially with the pandemic even moreso. Maybe I'm just judgmental. I'll bear it in mind, though.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 04:21 pm (UTC)From:Libraries tend to look for 1) librarians (which you need an MLIS or a bunch of library experience to qualify for), and 2) clerks and pages. With clerks and pages, the only real requirements seem to be a high school diploma and some experience working with people. (I've seen people from retail, teaching, banking, and fast food get hired on as clerks/pages.) If your library has a good reference desk, they can also help with job searches.
I'll pray that something comes your way!
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 04:10 am (UTC)From:(No ability to offer jobs, I'm just curious.)
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 06:01 am (UTC)From:It sucks because the Master's degree only qualifies to me to do one specific thing. It's not a subject area Master's degree, so I don't have x-amount of graduate hours in English or whatever. My classes were primarily about education for middle and high schoolers. That means it doesn't work as a pathway to teach, like, Comp 101 at a community college or anything.
Sometimes I think about going to get MORE useless education, but then the GRE stands in my way.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 01:28 pm (UTC)From:There is no law that says you MUST list absolutely everything on your resume. You can tailor your resume to the job you are applying for.
You can't, of course, make stuff up, but leaving stuff OFF that is not relevant and might hold you back is perfectly OK.
And then you can keep looking for the job you wanted that the MAT qualifies you for.
There are many people in your shoes right now with resume gaps, etc. You won't be a sore thumb to interviewers.
I think you could still apply for temp-to-perm jobs and see how they go. If you are there for six months or a year and then have to quit, that is perfectly okay. People have to leave even permanent jobs -- it's an accepted thing.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 01:32 pm (UTC)From:School starts in August, so while I have outstanding applications for that, I guess I should wait and see if I can hold out since I would get like two months in were I to suddenly get a job in my field, and if I get a job in my field near Chattanooga, I'll have to move.