Pressure to Perform

[prixmium]

So if you read my marathon of a rant previous-post, you know I am thinking about writing at least one of two Narnia fics that have been niggling in the back of my mind since I was probably about seventeen years old. (I'm 28 now for reference.)

I've also been talking about Doctor Who and a lot of other fandoms that have lay more-active than Narnia in my brain but still fairly untouched as far as my fic endeavors.

If one looks at my AO3 profile (Prix) one will see that I have a lot of one-shots for exchanges, a sudden burst of writing YuGiOh crack-taken-seriously fic that I may one day get back around to if I start watching YGOTAS and/or the actual series again, and several unfinished WIPs, particularly in the Fate fandom.

As far as the more-recent WIPs I have, I do have some hope of finishing them someday.

And yet it feels like I have this backlog of mental work to do, even when it is fun, that seems pretty insurmountable. I find that when I am conscious enough to do anything fandom-wise, I am almost always feeling pressured to be productive by an internal sense that I am running out of time.

I guess that one reason I would really like to go back and pull some of these ideas from back when I was seventeen out of the dust and give them my best shot is that it feels sort of like a linear dive back into my psyche. While what I would produce now is likely quite different from what I would have done a decade ago, it seems like it is better to have something to show for an idea than to try to "let it go" into the ether. I would like to have some kind of artifact for what I was thinking, and I feel like it might sort of defragment and unclog my brain to work on not only the Narnia stuff but just content for fandoms that I haven't visited in a while.

For a time, I felt sort of trapped in the Type Moon fandom, and my experiences with gatekeeper-type fans who were curative sticklers for lore except when they didn't like it kind of killed my fannish creative instinct, along with adulting stress, and I would really like to find my way back.

Comments

[mxcatmoon]

I'm sure you know putting pressure on yourself is counter-productive. I guess some people perform better that way, but I know the more I feel pressured the less I'm apt to get the thing done. Keep looking for the key though, hopefully you will find something that works to get you writing.

I have bits and pieces of a fanfic novel I started 10 years ago and still have hope of one day actually writing it, so you aren't the only one who has old WIPs that refuse to die. I live in hope -- but I have a rule not to be too hard on myself for not following through. We do the best we can (even if it seems like that's not good at all).

[prixmium]

Thank you so much for these encouraging words. I hope that you and I both can do something with our WIPs!

[mxcatmoon]

You're welcome. I'm not stressing it. Right now I seem to be in a period of not-writing, and I decided that's okay. As long as it doesn't last for many months, I don't mind. If more than a month goes by and I haven't written anything at all, then I won't be pleased.

[singedsun]

I still have all sorts of old fic ideas for fandoms past. If something hits me that feels like something I can write now, then I'll do it. I have long refused to care much about the attention stories get on AO3 (or wherever they get posted) stories I wrote 11 years ago still occasionally get comments/kudos. That's just to say, I feel like it doesn't matter if something is popular or I'm in the fandom. If it feels like something I want/need to write, I'll go for it.

I say pick one old ideas that makes you the most excited to try out and give it a shot.

[prixmium]

This is encouraging. I guess I am just afraid of disappointing myself and not finishing it. I have several WIPs floating around on the internet that aren't finished, and I feel like I have let readers and myself down, not knowing if I will finish them. I guess in one way, a piece of it being out there to enjoy might be better than it just wasting away, but then I think "oh I have this ten year old story I could actually finish before posting" and then my sense of motivation gets all whiny about it. I don't need a ton of feedback or engagement, but I guess I feel like I want to know it isn't being actively rejected by everyone.

I try to respond to every signed-in comment I get and have for several years now, though I occasionally have to play catch-up if I got a comment during a time of brain-blur.