End of 2018

[prixmium]

I'm really glad it's over. I'm looking forward to seeing if anything improves with a Democratic majority House of Representatives, though I'm not holding my breath. I know that some people were much more directly impacted by how shitty this year was in terms of the real world and politics, but even from my position firmly hanging out on the periphery except for exercising my right and duty to vote, it has been exhausting.

I'm in the camp of feeling like this year was several epochs long. Black Panther came out this year? Dirty by Justin Timberlake? TSwift's obsession with her reputation??? No, that was the last century, surely.

For me some of that probably has to do with the fact that my "years" tend to be defined by school years due to working for schools. Still, though, I don't think I'm alone in it.

Certain things have improved for me a lot. My living situation has gone from soul-sucking to just kind of quiet and confusing. Since my last semester of undergrad, I've been one of the moved-back-home millennials. I really had nowhere to go, and the few times it looked like I might have income enough to move out, I didn't trust it nor see any reason to strike out on my own five miles away when it really didn't help me socially or financially. I honestly appreciate having my parents around and available... to a point.

I was probably wise in not trying to move out on my own, given how things have turned out. Anyway, even though I'm only making about $1,000 a month right now, if that, I am in a much better place than I was last school-year where I worked in one of the most inept administrations I've ever seen or heard of. I thought I just wasn't cut out for actually teaching, but nah. I think some of it was my inexperience, but a lot of it was that the school I worked for wanted all their teachers to be three people who practically lived at the school to have any support or respect whatsoever. The corruption and apathy and buck-passing went all the way down.

Working as an interim, I have slightly fewer responsibilities, full-time hours, but less... pay. It sucks in a way, but the county I'm working for is so, so much more responsible and caring and supportive and just nice. Add to that the fact that I'm getting to live in the church's parsonage rent-free because my dad finally has a pastorate and they're willing to support me trying to get a job over here without hemorrhaging money, and I really can't say how much worse things could be and better things have gotten.

I'm still... lonely, though. And I feel like that part is getting worse and doesn't have a lot of hope of getting better. I feel like certain things are shriveling away, and I worry about them. I worry about my future, or rather, the lack of ever having a "life of my own." I am living on a lot of people's good graces, and I hope that someday I actually have something to show for it and to give back. I don't want to be alone and lonely and isolated, in terms of peers or kids or any of that, forever.

Comments

[kara_mckay]

I thought about getting my teaching certification when I was getting my English degree, and ultimately decided I wouldn't be able to cut it in the field. The EDU courses themselves were awful, but beyond that, I just don't have the kind of stamina necessary to give the better part of each day to a system that tells me that I should be content to receive personal satisfaction as half of my compensation. I just. No. I'd burn out so fast.

I've never been on my own. I went from my mother to my husband, and I've always regretted the way that rolled out. I think it's good for people to have their own place, at least for a while, but that's easier said than done these days. It's nice that your family is supportive, and I hope everything works out for you. I think it will.

[prixmium]

What profession did you end up in? Or are you a stay at home mom/wife?

I grew up with pretty responsible parents neither of whom were in a position to make a lot of money, so while I was provided for it was technically always pretty far beneath the poverty line. So basically a teaching entry-level salary was twice what my whole household operated on for many years of my childhood. That made the prospect of it being so relatively low a little easier to swallow. There's also the time off, which is why I ended up going BACK to school to get my license for it. Any job I was getting with just my English/Philosophy undergrad work paid about 10k less than a teacher's salary at best and had me working like 51 weeks a year. And, like, yeah a lot of people do that but for me it was basically impossible to budget my mental energy. I kind of have to have Work Mode and Off Mode? Though my Off Mode is basically a slug.

I worry that I'll never end up with a partner or an opportunity to have a kid or even to reasonably be in a place to where I can make a decision if I want to have a kid or not. I am fortunately able to basically live on my own during the week now at the church parsonage to go to work, but then my dad and sometimes my mom are over on weekends. That's nice and sort of a stepping stone. However, I have no idea what, if anything, is next.

[kara_mckay]

I'm a "homemaker," mainly because I've never been able to hold down a job worth a damn. My last attempt was in 2017. I was working in a vinyl tile factory and ended up getting my hand caught in the rollers at my work station. I'm now missing half of my right thumb, and the last joint of my pinky is fused. I've decided to throw in the towel on joining the workforce -- I'm overwhelmed by customer service, and too incompetent for factory labor.

I married when I was in my twenties, and I always tell people that if someone like me managed to get married and have a child, there's no reason for anyone else to give up hope. You seem like a smart, responsible person with both an education and skills. With the economy being what it is, people are getting married and/or having children later and later. I don't think you need to worry that you're going to run out of time.

[prixmium]

Oh wow that is a terrible experience, and I'm sorry you had to go through it and live with any aftermath. That's terrifying. I suppose the one thing it mutually confirms is how studying English kind of doesn't qualify you for much of a leg-up in the workforce on its own, doesn't it?

I don't think there is anything wrong with or lesser about being a homemaker, though. I think that a societal expectation that all women "settle" for that even if they have other specific ambitions is good. At the same time, I can't imagine trying to balance a family life including kids with every adult in the house working full-time. I know a lot of people do it, but I wonder at what social and emotional cost.

And thank you for the words of encouragement. I just worry because I basically never meet anyone new, let alone anyone with compatible goals or any interest in me whatsoever.

[kara_mckay]

I don't think it's lesser, but it's not what I'd imagined for myself, either. Frankly, it seems to me that the societal expectation that women will become homemakers regardless of anything else they may do is part of why so many women end up paying that high price. I lived in fundie country for a while, and the assumption that it was all going to eventually boil down to babies and housekeeping was maddening, to say the least.

[prixmium]

That definitely makes sense. I do think motherhood and caring for a family is a great thing, though.