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Content Warning: Depression related to COVID-19 quarantine. I know everyone is going through this kind of thing in one way or another, and I know I am beginning to get angry when my mom won't stop watching CNN all day. Twitter is torture, and I just... know that some people might not want to read the nitty-gritty of my concerns because of it, so I'll place the bulk of this under a cut.
That said, if you can stomach it and have a sort of established "life," even if it's disrupted right now, I could really use some wisdom I'm not getting anywhere else.
So I have expressed this before, but I am one of those people who lost their income due to COVID-19 school closures. I am a licensed secondary English teacher, but I have only ever worked as a full-time classroom teacher for one (1) school year while having my license (since 2017). I have mostly worked as an interim teacher (long-term substitute) here in the US. I got my first interim job in my subject and age-group, teaching 10th Grade English in the place of a woman about my age on maternity leave. After that, I did a couple of other subjects, too.
In January of last year, I was supposed to do another six-week interim stint for a woman who was off work to recover from surgery rather than being on maternity leave. I did this for the first three or four days of the semester, only to be called into the office and apologetically told they no longer needed me because the woman's surgery had not been as successful (and therefore thorough) as she had hoped but that the bright side (for her) was that she would be able to return to work on Monday!
They put me on the regular substitute roll, but until it started getting around, I had weeks and weeks of feeling on-call but having no work. During this time, I had been making enough money to where it felt a little reckless but I had an opportunity to meet a friend IRL at Katsucon and she had a friend who'd backed out of his half of a hotel reservation she had booked (two separate rooms but for some reason she had been the one to make the plans). I was just then getting to know this friend after years of kind of being aware of each other's existence in a certain fandom.
She suggested that I try overseas English teaching one night when I was posting -- before going to Katsucon -- about being so underemployed and discouraged. I asked her specific recommendations about companies to look into, picked one that for some reason sounded/felt/"smelled" right to me, of the options available. I mulled it over until the middle of February, and when I was there at Katsucon she more or less convinced me to put in an application at least.
Not too long after that, I was accepted, and on the same day, the system I was working for in the US called to offer me an $8/hour type full-time job doing RTI (intervention/remedial) Aide position. I informed them that I had accepted a job overseas and that I would be leaving at the end of April, but they said, basically, "Please, we need help with the standardized testing season. Come work as long as you can." So I did that. And when I got back from Japan in December, we worked it out that I would finish up an interim position that they had failed to find a currently-licensed teacher to fill for the past month and a half of the previous semester.
So this school system has mostly been accommodating and worked with me to let me work is my point. They haven't offered me a job with the title, responsibilities, and benefits that I took out $20k in loans to qualify for, but that seems to be everywhere unless you go into dangerous, desperate circumstances. And oddly enough, it is easier to swing moving to Japan than it is moving to Memphis, Tennessee, for example, because the moving costs I have to pay up-front can be put on a credit card and are either partially or fully reimbursed. They arrange housing and basic needs. And so on. None of that happens when you switch locales in the US.
Most recently, I had started a new interim position on March 11. It was supposed to run through May 13, when the schools would basically have two weeks left for the regular classroom teacher to finish up. Then, on March 17 (five working days later), they closed.
The way interim teaching's pay scale works for this county is that, at first, you make roughly ten cents over minimum wage ($7.25/hour) for the first 20 consecutive days you work. After that, they up the pay to $80/day from the previous $55/day. After that, if the teacher runs out of sick days (and only if) you start getting the averaged out daily payrate of a regular classroom teacher.
And, I have learned, you are not actually considered an official "interim" until that last, third step happens, if it ever does, which it rarely does due to sick day banks and the fact that most women, even young women, who are having babies and taking time off work to do so, have had a few sick days build up over time beyond their provided maternity leave, so they can stay out of work for up to three months with that never even happening sometimes.
And that is why I got screwed out of getting paid anything. Every other type of full-time worker is getting paid their regular pay right now. But because I was still considered a "substitute" even though I had the responsibilities of a full-time employee? I get nothing.
I think I have ranted about this before. It's still so disheartening and blood-boiling. I get why they do it. It's a county system, they're underfunded, and they do try to do the best they can for kids. They, like many public schools, are providing food for all kids, regardless of academic status, under 18 and under as best they can. And when schools are in session, students in 8th grade and below get a free basic breakfast and lunch without ever having to apply for free or reduced lunch. They have to pay for extras and chips and ice cream and stuff, but that's fundraising and not considered necessary nutrition. High schoolers are expected to pay by default, but the free and reduced lunch program is still available for them if they apply.
I have a lot of good things to say about the school system I was working for. But right now that policy about how they classify who is and is not an interim feels pretty malicious, even though I'm sure they never foresaw this happening. The principal even tried to ask them to continue to pay me, but there was nothing she could do about the policy.
I have now applied for unemployment benefits, but I haven't heard a word about actually getting anything, and frankly, I don't expect to. There is always some reason that I don't qualify for help.
This is mostly retreaded ground. But now the hurdle I'm facing is how do I even plan for a future? Do I even have one?
I feel like my family is doing a pretty good job of remaining cut off from contact with the virus itself. I am hoping and praying that it stays that way. My mom is pretty much in lifestyle quarantine anyway due to her disability and depression/agoraphobia, so I am really concerned that it would be deadly for her if not for me or my dad (and it could be for him, too). But beyond that, it's like... I can't even plan on doing anything in two months or three or six.
My mom has been following the news more closely than I've been able to stomach. I still get plenty of it. But I keep seeing this two year projection for when things will ever be even close to normal again. And that makes me pretty hopeless.
A part of me would really like to start going back to Japan for the company I worked for before if and when it is ever possible/even sane, but again, I can't do that if it's going to be two years from now before I can do anything at all. I'm applying to a job for my own high school. It's a great school, and it's higher pay than I've had in years, but I don't think I would be happy there.
Even though I don't want to live there all the time, I would really like to find a way to get some kind of job that would be a stop-gap income from January until the spring term in Japan starts here in the US... I could do that. Except I don't know if I should basically write off the rest of the planet and other states from even existing.
I feel like I am going to be 31 years old (in two years) having no life. No career, no personal life, no money, and no choices.
I can't even enjoy anything in this "free time" because I feel like I've lost the ability to even be a person at my low moments right now.
A lot of people I know on here have marriages, kids, and even more than one career under their belts. I feel like a good part of my life is going to be over regardless of what happens.
If anyone has some kind of wisdom, I would appreciate it.
That said, if you can stomach it and have a sort of established "life," even if it's disrupted right now, I could really use some wisdom I'm not getting anywhere else.
So I have expressed this before, but I am one of those people who lost their income due to COVID-19 school closures. I am a licensed secondary English teacher, but I have only ever worked as a full-time classroom teacher for one (1) school year while having my license (since 2017). I have mostly worked as an interim teacher (long-term substitute) here in the US. I got my first interim job in my subject and age-group, teaching 10th Grade English in the place of a woman about my age on maternity leave. After that, I did a couple of other subjects, too.
In January of last year, I was supposed to do another six-week interim stint for a woman who was off work to recover from surgery rather than being on maternity leave. I did this for the first three or four days of the semester, only to be called into the office and apologetically told they no longer needed me because the woman's surgery had not been as successful (and therefore thorough) as she had hoped but that the bright side (for her) was that she would be able to return to work on Monday!
They put me on the regular substitute roll, but until it started getting around, I had weeks and weeks of feeling on-call but having no work. During this time, I had been making enough money to where it felt a little reckless but I had an opportunity to meet a friend IRL at Katsucon and she had a friend who'd backed out of his half of a hotel reservation she had booked (two separate rooms but for some reason she had been the one to make the plans). I was just then getting to know this friend after years of kind of being aware of each other's existence in a certain fandom.
She suggested that I try overseas English teaching one night when I was posting -- before going to Katsucon -- about being so underemployed and discouraged. I asked her specific recommendations about companies to look into, picked one that for some reason sounded/felt/"smelled" right to me, of the options available. I mulled it over until the middle of February, and when I was there at Katsucon she more or less convinced me to put in an application at least.
Not too long after that, I was accepted, and on the same day, the system I was working for in the US called to offer me an $8/hour type full-time job doing RTI (intervention/remedial) Aide position. I informed them that I had accepted a job overseas and that I would be leaving at the end of April, but they said, basically, "Please, we need help with the standardized testing season. Come work as long as you can." So I did that. And when I got back from Japan in December, we worked it out that I would finish up an interim position that they had failed to find a currently-licensed teacher to fill for the past month and a half of the previous semester.
So this school system has mostly been accommodating and worked with me to let me work is my point. They haven't offered me a job with the title, responsibilities, and benefits that I took out $20k in loans to qualify for, but that seems to be everywhere unless you go into dangerous, desperate circumstances. And oddly enough, it is easier to swing moving to Japan than it is moving to Memphis, Tennessee, for example, because the moving costs I have to pay up-front can be put on a credit card and are either partially or fully reimbursed. They arrange housing and basic needs. And so on. None of that happens when you switch locales in the US.
Most recently, I had started a new interim position on March 11. It was supposed to run through May 13, when the schools would basically have two weeks left for the regular classroom teacher to finish up. Then, on March 17 (five working days later), they closed.
The way interim teaching's pay scale works for this county is that, at first, you make roughly ten cents over minimum wage ($7.25/hour) for the first 20 consecutive days you work. After that, they up the pay to $80/day from the previous $55/day. After that, if the teacher runs out of sick days (and only if) you start getting the averaged out daily payrate of a regular classroom teacher.
And, I have learned, you are not actually considered an official "interim" until that last, third step happens, if it ever does, which it rarely does due to sick day banks and the fact that most women, even young women, who are having babies and taking time off work to do so, have had a few sick days build up over time beyond their provided maternity leave, so they can stay out of work for up to three months with that never even happening sometimes.
And that is why I got screwed out of getting paid anything. Every other type of full-time worker is getting paid their regular pay right now. But because I was still considered a "substitute" even though I had the responsibilities of a full-time employee? I get nothing.
I think I have ranted about this before. It's still so disheartening and blood-boiling. I get why they do it. It's a county system, they're underfunded, and they do try to do the best they can for kids. They, like many public schools, are providing food for all kids, regardless of academic status, under 18 and under as best they can. And when schools are in session, students in 8th grade and below get a free basic breakfast and lunch without ever having to apply for free or reduced lunch. They have to pay for extras and chips and ice cream and stuff, but that's fundraising and not considered necessary nutrition. High schoolers are expected to pay by default, but the free and reduced lunch program is still available for them if they apply.
I have a lot of good things to say about the school system I was working for. But right now that policy about how they classify who is and is not an interim feels pretty malicious, even though I'm sure they never foresaw this happening. The principal even tried to ask them to continue to pay me, but there was nothing she could do about the policy.
I have now applied for unemployment benefits, but I haven't heard a word about actually getting anything, and frankly, I don't expect to. There is always some reason that I don't qualify for help.
This is mostly retreaded ground. But now the hurdle I'm facing is how do I even plan for a future? Do I even have one?
I feel like my family is doing a pretty good job of remaining cut off from contact with the virus itself. I am hoping and praying that it stays that way. My mom is pretty much in lifestyle quarantine anyway due to her disability and depression/agoraphobia, so I am really concerned that it would be deadly for her if not for me or my dad (and it could be for him, too). But beyond that, it's like... I can't even plan on doing anything in two months or three or six.
My mom has been following the news more closely than I've been able to stomach. I still get plenty of it. But I keep seeing this two year projection for when things will ever be even close to normal again. And that makes me pretty hopeless.
A part of me would really like to start going back to Japan for the company I worked for before if and when it is ever possible/even sane, but again, I can't do that if it's going to be two years from now before I can do anything at all. I'm applying to a job for my own high school. It's a great school, and it's higher pay than I've had in years, but I don't think I would be happy there.
Even though I don't want to live there all the time, I would really like to find a way to get some kind of job that would be a stop-gap income from January until the spring term in Japan starts here in the US... I could do that. Except I don't know if I should basically write off the rest of the planet and other states from even existing.
I feel like I am going to be 31 years old (in two years) having no life. No career, no personal life, no money, and no choices.
I can't even enjoy anything in this "free time" because I feel like I've lost the ability to even be a person at my low moments right now.
A lot of people I know on here have marriages, kids, and even more than one career under their belts. I feel like a good part of my life is going to be over regardless of what happens.
If anyone has some kind of wisdom, I would appreciate it.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-05 12:25 am (UTC)From:Before I get to the succinct ideas, I just want to throw out there the story of my niece and nephew, who are bright talented people who graduated from college and were trying to find work in the depths of the Great Recession that started in 2009. They weren't doing anything wrong, and they were highly talented, but it took them two to three years to find good work in their fields. They had to make do with internships, parttime stuff, all kinds of grunt work, until things improved enough for them to get jobs in their actual fields. It's a decade later now and they are both very successful, but the beginning was SO HARD. And it was not their fault. They felt like moochers because their parents had to help them, but it wasn't their fault and they were not alone.
Something similar is happening to you. It's just plain old bad luck.
The only advice I have is to reassure you that you aren't doing anything wrong. Also, one thing that might help is for you to let go of any thought of being on some kind of timetable, that you are off schedule or that life is passing you by. You are not behind anyone else. Life achievements are not a race and not in a straight line, ever.
No one knows what the future holds. We pretend we do, but that is an illusion we need to keep ourselves feeling a sense of security.
The only reality is, things change, unexpected things happen, and you have to roll with it. Make plans, yes, but expect the unexpected.
It sounds like you have a support system and you will have food and roof no matter what happens. That is great! Do what you can, try to do what seems reasonable and safe, and know that this coronavirus thing will not last forever.
you are just having the bad luck to be trying to launch your career at a very bad time. But eventually you will find a place and a job you can do.
The Buddhists say, "Make friends with impermanence," and we are all getting a really tough lesson in that right now.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I am wishing you all the best.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-12 08:57 am (UTC)From:Even when I was working, the fact that everything I have done for a long time has been in three-month-at-best bursts has made it hard for me to attach to much of anything. Last year when I was in Japan, I was lucky that I got assigned to the same school and class for both semesters, so I as sort of able to bond with them (college students and I was only 10 years older than even the youngest so it wasn't super weird to view them as friends) but the HR-red-tape made even that tenuous even when I sidestepped it somewhat (all EFL teachers do when their companies are antsy).
I guess I just feel like I've wasted so much of whatever I did think I wanted.
I graduated with my undergrad degree in late 2013 and started 2014 with no idea what I was gonna do. I did grunt work in a newspaper circulation office. Then I started substitute teaching because I just really felt nostalgic for school. Then I started doing administrative work for a bit, which I didn't mind except I hated the higher-ups at the "main office" and that what I was doing seemed like it took advantage of poor people sometimes.
So I decided to go back to school to become an actual teacher, and ever since then I just feel like I've been half-assing my life even more than before.
Also, with your niece and nephew -- I don't really think I'm especially talented at anything. Bright enough, maybe, but especially when I try to think about applying myself to anything BUT teaching, I blank.
Plus there's the issue that I can't afford to do internships and stuff. It seems like opportunity requires that you be upper middle class with generous safety net to begin with.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-12 12:04 pm (UTC)From:First of all, my niece and nephew were not Einsteins or rock stars in any way. I was only mentioning their talent to emphasize that they would have been able to get jobs in some kind of normal economy. It was the circumstances that made their start so hard, not any intrinsic failure on their part. My point was that there were millions of people in their shoes, just like there are millions of people in your shoes now. I also was not suggesting that you do internships necessarily. Your situation is unique. My entire point with their story was that they had several years of scrambling around, feeling like they were spinning their wheels, moving all different places, never putting down roots, and that it wasn't their fault. It was just the time they were living in.
You may feel like you have wasted time, but again, I believe that is a myth. You seem to have internalized some kind of timetable for success, some yardstick against which you are falling short. There is no such thing.
It sounds like you have had a hard time figuring out the career you want, and that is okay! So many people don't have a calling or a consuming career. Some people have jobs and their passion lies elsewhere. Just because you don't feel a burning desire to be a lawyer or a teacher or whatever, doesn't mean you are doing it wrong.
And while it's true that people with money and connections have a distinct advantage in society, that doesn't mean that the rest of us are doomed to misery and poverty. It's not that stark of a binary choice.
Also just because you work in an office doing admin work -- you are not personally taking advantage of poor people. Everyone who lives in a capitalistic system is to some degree a cog in the machine. That doesn't mean YOU should turn down a good job or avoid jobs because capitalism exploits the poor. You can't solve systemic problems personally. You just have to help the people in your path and vote for leaders with more compassion. You can't solve everything. Seeing the problems of society and having such limited power is extremely frustrating. But at least you see them!
I am wishing you all the best. I am a college teacher and I have seen many of my former students go through what you're going through. You are not alone and it will get better for you!!! I believe that.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-12 11:31 pm (UTC)From:I really like education. I just feel so tired from the lack of respect for it, especially here.
And to clarify about the specific situation I was in: I worked for a local corporation of funeral homes and cemeteries, on the cemetery office side. I really enjoyed a lot of it. It was like working at a park office, and it was quiet except when it was hilariously or upsettingly not. But I was also the person they stuck with calling to collect on people's delinquent accounts. And sometimes, they would try to screw over or scare old people who'd made arrangements with the previous owners that were legally binding in order to get them to cough up more money, and I was the one who had to sign those letters.
It just made me very :/ sometimes even though I liked my coworkers and stuff, usually.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-05 02:05 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-12 08:58 am (UTC)From:Well maybe unemployment will work out for a bit. Then after that I don't mind doing part-time whatever until if and when I can go back to Japan. If the schools reopen I can just go back to subbing once summer is over.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-14 08:11 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-05 02:17 am (UTC)From:nthing everything princessofgeeks said, especially the above advice.
I could not afford to go to college and didn't find my first stable, decent job until a decade after graduating high school -- and I'm just now getting my bachelor's at 32 -- so I really, personally feel you on not feeling like you're not in the "right place" at a certain point in life. But that was always just a mindset -- progress and life accomplishments are and always have been a drunken zigzag, never a straight line. You don't have to hit points on a certain timetable to have a good future.
Even if all of this is temporary, it still sucks that it's happening, and I am especially sorry to hear about the unemployment. I pray that you do qualify and receive benefits.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-12 09:00 am (UTC)From:I'm in a bunch of debt for college and was only able to go because my family was poor enough to qualify for assistance. We really need to change how people get access to education and training.
Sometimes I regret going for that reason.
it sucks
Date: 2020-04-05 02:24 am (UTC)From:Re: it sucks
Date: 2020-04-12 09:01 am (UTC)From:Re: it sucks
Date: 2020-04-12 09:13 am (UTC)From:Re: it sucks
Date: 2020-04-12 09:15 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-05 04:50 am (UTC)From:Firstly: ugh, big sympathies. This is a very weird and uncertain time, and you're not alone in feeling it.
Secondly: +1 to everything princessofgeeks said!
Thirdly: it took me until 30 to start finding a career / life niche, and I have definitely felt behind, or that I've missed out, or that I'm not as equipped as I should be, etc. Some philosophies that have helped me with these feelings include:
• "If the best time to plant a tree was ten years ago, the second-best time is today."
• There are no objectively right or wrong paths in life. It's not a pre-determined video game with limited routes and set endings. There's just stuff that happens and what you do with it, and you're never "locked in" to a "bad" life.
• You'll never know just what the future holds from the present. You can't ever predict what opportunities will be there next year, or in two or ten, that don't even exist right now.
• Even experiences that feel wasted or undesired are like compost. You learn, you grow, and sometimes that learning and growing becomes relevant in unexpected ways. (My cousin started as a struggling photographer, and found her place in anti-counterfeiting - and the photography knowledge was a big part of what got her there!)
• Try to be kind to yourself! You likely wouldn't berate or think less of anyone else for struggling or feeling uncertain.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-05 01:30 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-12 09:03 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-05 08:32 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-06 03:03 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-07 07:35 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-10 05:56 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2020-04-12 09:05 am (UTC)From:I have considered it, and I was even considering it before we knew that the quarantine was going to have to be global and everything. The couple of issues I have with it are that:
1) remote teaching pays less per hour and having done it in person, I know I'm better at it
2) I'm a slug without externally mandated structure so the thought of working from home in a fashion that is directly accountable to other people with my current living situation sort of paralyzes me? I may have to get over it, depending on how long the apocalypse lasts, but for now I'm just trying to hold off on making the decision to pursue that and hoping I can teach in person again when it's safe.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-05 10:34 pm (UTC)From:As for careers, it's rare that someone's life lines up in a way that it works out perfectly the way they planned it. We're sort of inundated with these ideas that we have to hit certain milestones. But we're not all the same person from the same background and the same situations. So you'll do things in your own time, because that's how you're supposed to do them. Of course that doesn't make our struggles suck any less, but we do what we can with what we have. No one "should" do anything one way. Don't should yourself. You'll do what you can, when you can.
On the job front, I definitely agree with the idea of looking for teaching options online. If this situation has taught us anything it is how much we need to value online sources for things like health care and education. I would recommend looking into places that might do distance learning online somehow. For instance, I know that Kansas has an online homeschool that's available year round and taught in online classrooms daily. There might be other schools now looking for online summer school, more than usual given the current situation.
There's also online tutoring options for either individual or group learning. And in that regard you could offer your services privately to people in your area through Facebook marketplace or Craigslist or something like that. Plenty of people are working from home right now with their kids out of school. Figure out an hourly rate for yourself and what you'd be willing to teach/work on. Start with something simple and if it works, then start figuring out how to make it work better/bigger for you until either there's another opportunity for traditional schooling or you decide to do something different.
I feel like I remember you mentioning at one point you'd wanted to do youtube videos? Now would be the perfect opportunity to write out some scripts. If it feels overwhelming to think of something big, stockpile video ideas. If you have a few ideas, pick one and write for five or ten minutes. That same 5-10 minute at a time tip works for a lot of stuff too, it's the only way I'm getting anything at my house clean.
If you're feeling like it's too hard to do anything right now, make a list of things you need/want to do and pick one. Count yourself down from 5 and when you get to zero, get up and do the thing for 5 minutes. Start there. If you only do the one thing today? That's great! If you can do more? That's also great. Give yourself a little kindness and a little grace and take it one thing at a time.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-12 09:13 am (UTC)From:One reason I am resistant to the idea of online teaching is that I have never taken to video-chatting even with close friends. It feels like being on-the-spot in a way that even being face-to-face with a person doesn't, for some reason. I know a lot of people have had to get used to it to continue to work from home, but the fact that I have never been in a situation that has trained me in an appropriate way to do that intimidates me to death.
As stated above, without externally imposed structure, I am a slug. I probably could do a bit better if I physically forced myself, but right now I'm living like a depressed teenager on summer vacation with no friends. And that's... basically how I feel like I've lived my life between bouts of employment for my 20s anyway.
One reason I even chose the thought of teaching was because there's 9-10 months of solid structure but an actually human amount of time off involved. I am pretty into the idea of teaching in general, but the fact that few other jobs in our society work that way was a big motivator. I am an angry anti-capitalist and yada yada.
Of course, the whole "if we give people an adequate social safety net they won't work" thing is bunk because if I had a job that would give me the structure I need I'd be going in a heartbeat. It's just that I don't think I'm a work-from-home person. Even if I, like, was a housewife, or a famous wealthy author, or whatever, I would need at least a part-time day-job to keep me from merging with the furniture.