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Most of my recent entries have been pretty reliably miserable. I had been struggling a bit personally even before the schools closed down, and the first month or so of lockdown was hellish for me, mentally.
At this point, my parents have stopped watching CNN for hours on end every day. Or maybe they do and I've started sleeping through it? In any case, I think that the fact that this situation has been so long-lasting has finally cut off some of the need to remain constantly informed because it isn't as if it is going to change overnight unless it is for the worse, in which case we are already doing the best we can.
I really want to be sympathetic and prayerful for those who are most-affected by this pandemic. But I really don't even want to know the minutiae of the incompetence of the United States government and people right now. We are not a people who believe in collective obedience for the sake of the common good, on the left or the right, and it is exhausting.
Tennessee is one of those states that is already trying to phase-in reopening. Some restaurants are reopening. I believe that my church is planning to resume in-person services next Sunday, but I'm undecided if I will go, even though it is perfectly possible for us to practice social distancing due to being a small congregation. The fact that the restaurants are slowly opening back up is tempting but horrifying. My family has been doing our fair share of takeout during this time, in spite of some people's reticence about it. I don't live in an extreme hotspot or anything like that. However, I think that going back into sharing public spaces too soon when people are not even sure how to get masks even if they would wear them is going to just make it even longer before I can go sit in a restaurant in peace. It's sad, because given my lack of social life, that was one of the few ways that I had to feel like I was part of a society.
Really, the only news that I am trying to keep abreast of is when we might have effective treatments that will make it less of a terrifying prospect for people to participate in public life. I keep reading and hearing all of these things about how we are never going to go "back to normal" completely and that we need to change our entire way of life as a result of this. And I just do not believe that Americans will ever do that, and we will never put the money in public infrastructure to make it possible.
I still have friends who are in Japan, and from that end of things, it sounds like Abe is pulling his usual mini-Trump BS, trying to use this as a political opportunity rather than taking the full responsibility for what he should be doing. They are keeping their numbers artificially low by denying tests to anyone except the sickest, and I have read frightening stories about the difficulty that some working foreigners there have had to get treatment when they become sick.
Nevertheless, I would really like to believe that I can go back in the autumn. It's sort of like... no matter how incompetent they're being, I highly doubt that it will be as incompetent as America continues to be. Something in me just sort of broke in watching this unfold. I'm ashamed of America, and I'm exhausted in trying to participate in it. I want out, but I also don't want to completely cut ties with my parents. Going back and working for my former company seems like the best option to do that, but I just have no way of foreseeing if that is a real possibility.
In better news, I am doing a bit better with taking the antidepressant every other day. It was messing up my stomach really badly at first, but now that effect is lessening. Besides, a bit of appetite suppression isn't likely to hurt me.
Tomorrow, I am supposed to receive a step-tracker I ordered early in April along with one half of a DVD collection I ordered (Steins;Gate 0) to add to my Science Adventure set.
If I continue to draw the souped up unemployment benefits for another month, I should be able to mostly retire my credit card balance. That is honestly a wild good thing to come out of national economic disaster, but it just shows how employment in this country is also a joke.
I finished an exchange fic in one sitting last night. It shaped up to be pretty much what I envisioned it to be. Unfortunately, it was not the most inspired work I have ever done, but at least it feels mostly-competent. I looked at my recipient's own fic, and I don't think I could do anything for them that would be exactly the kind of thing they're usually in the market for, but hopefully they enjoy it as it does match their prompt.
I'm glad to be freed up from that obligation, which is due in the middle of the month. I might look to see about doing some treats or working on my own fic if the muse moves within me, but the motivation to do anything creative with this imposed isolation is hard to come by.
My parents planted some sees in plastic cups with potting soil. The marigolds my mom ordered have come up, but my father and I had tried to dry some seeds from a supermarket red pepper and plant them, but they have not come up at all. My mom said that they have to be dried for a year in order to work, and I wouldn't be surprised if Monsanto copyrighted plants just don't sprout at all that way.
I've been studying Japanese pretty solidly this week. It only amounted to about four or five hours for the week, but it's a start from doing absolutely nothing productive. I would really like to up that amount of time, but it makes me super sleepy to sit there and do duolingo, because sleepiness is one of my main character traits even at the best of times.
This week has been a bit better, personally, but I am still dreading the uncertainty of the future.
At this point, my parents have stopped watching CNN for hours on end every day. Or maybe they do and I've started sleeping through it? In any case, I think that the fact that this situation has been so long-lasting has finally cut off some of the need to remain constantly informed because it isn't as if it is going to change overnight unless it is for the worse, in which case we are already doing the best we can.
I really want to be sympathetic and prayerful for those who are most-affected by this pandemic. But I really don't even want to know the minutiae of the incompetence of the United States government and people right now. We are not a people who believe in collective obedience for the sake of the common good, on the left or the right, and it is exhausting.
Tennessee is one of those states that is already trying to phase-in reopening. Some restaurants are reopening. I believe that my church is planning to resume in-person services next Sunday, but I'm undecided if I will go, even though it is perfectly possible for us to practice social distancing due to being a small congregation. The fact that the restaurants are slowly opening back up is tempting but horrifying. My family has been doing our fair share of takeout during this time, in spite of some people's reticence about it. I don't live in an extreme hotspot or anything like that. However, I think that going back into sharing public spaces too soon when people are not even sure how to get masks even if they would wear them is going to just make it even longer before I can go sit in a restaurant in peace. It's sad, because given my lack of social life, that was one of the few ways that I had to feel like I was part of a society.
Really, the only news that I am trying to keep abreast of is when we might have effective treatments that will make it less of a terrifying prospect for people to participate in public life. I keep reading and hearing all of these things about how we are never going to go "back to normal" completely and that we need to change our entire way of life as a result of this. And I just do not believe that Americans will ever do that, and we will never put the money in public infrastructure to make it possible.
I still have friends who are in Japan, and from that end of things, it sounds like Abe is pulling his usual mini-Trump BS, trying to use this as a political opportunity rather than taking the full responsibility for what he should be doing. They are keeping their numbers artificially low by denying tests to anyone except the sickest, and I have read frightening stories about the difficulty that some working foreigners there have had to get treatment when they become sick.
Nevertheless, I would really like to believe that I can go back in the autumn. It's sort of like... no matter how incompetent they're being, I highly doubt that it will be as incompetent as America continues to be. Something in me just sort of broke in watching this unfold. I'm ashamed of America, and I'm exhausted in trying to participate in it. I want out, but I also don't want to completely cut ties with my parents. Going back and working for my former company seems like the best option to do that, but I just have no way of foreseeing if that is a real possibility.
In better news, I am doing a bit better with taking the antidepressant every other day. It was messing up my stomach really badly at first, but now that effect is lessening. Besides, a bit of appetite suppression isn't likely to hurt me.
Tomorrow, I am supposed to receive a step-tracker I ordered early in April along with one half of a DVD collection I ordered (Steins;Gate 0) to add to my Science Adventure set.
If I continue to draw the souped up unemployment benefits for another month, I should be able to mostly retire my credit card balance. That is honestly a wild good thing to come out of national economic disaster, but it just shows how employment in this country is also a joke.
I finished an exchange fic in one sitting last night. It shaped up to be pretty much what I envisioned it to be. Unfortunately, it was not the most inspired work I have ever done, but at least it feels mostly-competent. I looked at my recipient's own fic, and I don't think I could do anything for them that would be exactly the kind of thing they're usually in the market for, but hopefully they enjoy it as it does match their prompt.
I'm glad to be freed up from that obligation, which is due in the middle of the month. I might look to see about doing some treats or working on my own fic if the muse moves within me, but the motivation to do anything creative with this imposed isolation is hard to come by.
My parents planted some sees in plastic cups with potting soil. The marigolds my mom ordered have come up, but my father and I had tried to dry some seeds from a supermarket red pepper and plant them, but they have not come up at all. My mom said that they have to be dried for a year in order to work, and I wouldn't be surprised if Monsanto copyrighted plants just don't sprout at all that way.
I've been studying Japanese pretty solidly this week. It only amounted to about four or five hours for the week, but it's a start from doing absolutely nothing productive. I would really like to up that amount of time, but it makes me super sleepy to sit there and do duolingo, because sleepiness is one of my main character traits even at the best of times.
This week has been a bit better, personally, but I am still dreading the uncertainty of the future.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-04 01:35 pm (UTC)From:Thanks for the update. Fingers crossed that you can go back to Japan in the fall.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-04 03:33 pm (UTC)From:Hopefully you can get back to Japan! If nothing else, they take mask wearing and staying at home if you feel ill seriously, which we still can't get right in America.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-04 06:09 pm (UTC)From:I've also resumed Japanese! Put in more effort into basic grammar like all the conjugations, learned the 'other' numbers (hitotsu, futatsu, etc.), found that the Kakugo app has a kanji drawing mode, which I think is helping a lot in actually learning things well. It doesn't chunk up repetition as nicely as other apps -- I can't easily pull out some chunk or 10 or 20 to practice -- but may be better in the long run anyway.
Hmm, actually my other apps do have drawing modes too, I should check those out.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-04 08:20 pm (UTC)From:I also plan to take up Japanese again once my final paper is written. (I use Mango, but I like Duolingo, and recently I've been introduced to the JA Sensei app.) I hope you'll be able to return to Japan this year!