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The first day is the longest
Sep. 24th, 2019 02:09 pmBack to my job. Had to get here about an hour early this morning. It wasn't terrible, though. For some reason I feel like it was much earlier than that last time. Lower attendance today, but honestly that suits me fine. In a way, I feel like I am doing a better job of just letting the students talk by phoning it in a bit. It will start to feel more balanced as the semester goes, but today I am just vaguely sleepy.
I am stuck somewhere between feeling satisfied that I know what I am doing on familiar turf and feeling like a malcontent. As I mentioned, they moved the only coworker I had who was my age elsewhere. Now none of my coworkers are under 40. If anything this might tend to exacerbate the fact that my students (university students) feel more like my peers than anyone else. That one student I had rather complicated feelings for last semester is still on the roll this semester. I am hoping that my heart and mind are cauterized enough for it to just be pretty chill.
If anything, recent experiences just make me increasingly inclined that anyone who is interested in anyone romantically-ish is just up to no good. But maybe that is just how I make myself feel better around people who clearly see me as a non-person in that area.
Yesterday, I went out with my former coworker who was moved and his friend whom he met in Austria who has signed on to our program this semester. We went to Meiji Shrine and the observation floor of the Tokyo Metropolitan Building. It was nice. It felt like a solid day of Doing Something which I pretty much don't do. Nevertheless, I felt kind of like crap when my coworker and his friend were talking about their drinking and using MDMA and stuff at various times in Europe. They are respectful of the fact that I don't do stuff like that, but it is hard not to feel like an absolute bore. Plus the new guy is gay which I didn't pick up on at first and I think he thinks I am being some kind of trendy str8 girl ally instead of an actual bi person myself, as if that would matter. But then he is talking about setting up my coworker with another friend they had from EFL teaching in Europe. And it isn't jealousy exactly... It is more just that I feel like in situations like that(this has happened more than once) everyone just seems to think that I am undesiring and undeserving of help like that. I'm hopeless. Makes me feel like a gremlin.
I am stuck somewhere between feeling satisfied that I know what I am doing on familiar turf and feeling like a malcontent. As I mentioned, they moved the only coworker I had who was my age elsewhere. Now none of my coworkers are under 40. If anything this might tend to exacerbate the fact that my students (university students) feel more like my peers than anyone else. That one student I had rather complicated feelings for last semester is still on the roll this semester. I am hoping that my heart and mind are cauterized enough for it to just be pretty chill.
If anything, recent experiences just make me increasingly inclined that anyone who is interested in anyone romantically-ish is just up to no good. But maybe that is just how I make myself feel better around people who clearly see me as a non-person in that area.
Yesterday, I went out with my former coworker who was moved and his friend whom he met in Austria who has signed on to our program this semester. We went to Meiji Shrine and the observation floor of the Tokyo Metropolitan Building. It was nice. It felt like a solid day of Doing Something which I pretty much don't do. Nevertheless, I felt kind of like crap when my coworker and his friend were talking about their drinking and using MDMA and stuff at various times in Europe. They are respectful of the fact that I don't do stuff like that, but it is hard not to feel like an absolute bore. Plus the new guy is gay which I didn't pick up on at first and I think he thinks I am being some kind of trendy str8 girl ally instead of an actual bi person myself, as if that would matter. But then he is talking about setting up my coworker with another friend they had from EFL teaching in Europe. And it isn't jealousy exactly... It is more just that I feel like in situations like that(this has happened more than once) everyone just seems to think that I am undesiring and undeserving of help like that. I'm hopeless. Makes me feel like a gremlin.
