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How to progress
May. 10th, 2021 01:10 amYeah, so Mother's Day sucked for me. I cried quite a bit through the night. Managed to go to church and then afterward came home and ate dinner with my dad. We planned ahead and didn't bother trying to buy anything from a restaurant because of it being Mother's Day with this whole restaurant worker shortage thing.
CW: emetophobia
Didn't actually throw up, but felt like I came extremely close to it a few times today.
I think it's a combination of, perhaps, having a lower amount of food that my body wants to tolerate at once and also the fact that when one cries a lot that sobbing gesture kind of gets abdominal muscles ready to heave again at the slightest provocation.
Slept for a long, long time through the afternoon.
I've been having particularly vivid dreams, but only some of them come out the other side as narratives.
I guess I'm feeling slightly less gutted than before, having processed a day of grief. My body and mind have had enough.
But it feels a bit like I've fallen down into a valley in a sort of Sisyphus way and have to start pushing the boulder up the hill again with regard to, like, being creative or feeling human or anything. I almost feel guilty about wanting to go back to where I was a few weeks ago with wanting to write/be creative.
I keep thinking about all the things I'm not.
I'm not...
a mother
employed.
Both of those have been really getting to me lately. It's not like I want a kid to deal with right now, but there is the sense that I will likely never be able to afford to be a mom and will likely never have a partner to raise a kid with, and that kind of feels like an indictment when people I remember being tiny toddlers have babies now.
Before this spiral, I found some pretty neat writing resources and video essays on this youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC20oEMuKgfaNBfpV7JlFRQQ
Her name is Abbie Emmons and I really enjoy, in particular, her dissection of "negative" character arc which I think will be useful for me if I keep writing what I was last working on at all.
Part of me just feels guilty wanting to wake up and do anything without an income.
I feel useless and like a drain on the world.
Feels like I shouldn't have things I want to do in such a state.
CW: emetophobia
Didn't actually throw up, but felt like I came extremely close to it a few times today.
I think it's a combination of, perhaps, having a lower amount of food that my body wants to tolerate at once and also the fact that when one cries a lot that sobbing gesture kind of gets abdominal muscles ready to heave again at the slightest provocation.
Slept for a long, long time through the afternoon.
I've been having particularly vivid dreams, but only some of them come out the other side as narratives.
I guess I'm feeling slightly less gutted than before, having processed a day of grief. My body and mind have had enough.
But it feels a bit like I've fallen down into a valley in a sort of Sisyphus way and have to start pushing the boulder up the hill again with regard to, like, being creative or feeling human or anything. I almost feel guilty about wanting to go back to where I was a few weeks ago with wanting to write/be creative.
I keep thinking about all the things I'm not.
I'm not...
a mother
employed.
Both of those have been really getting to me lately. It's not like I want a kid to deal with right now, but there is the sense that I will likely never be able to afford to be a mom and will likely never have a partner to raise a kid with, and that kind of feels like an indictment when people I remember being tiny toddlers have babies now.
Before this spiral, I found some pretty neat writing resources and video essays on this youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC20oEMuKgfaNBfpV7JlFRQQ
Her name is Abbie Emmons and I really enjoy, in particular, her dissection of "negative" character arc which I think will be useful for me if I keep writing what I was last working on at all.
Part of me just feels guilty wanting to wake up and do anything without an income.
I feel useless and like a drain on the world.
Feels like I shouldn't have things I want to do in such a state.
