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I apologize for not giving a more timely update to any of you who commented on my previous post about my mother's health. I'm writing this when half-asleep, so I wanted to acknowledge each of the comments, but I didn't do anything personalized the way I usually do.
I'm going to put the mom's health update under a cut out of courtesy.
So, my mother does have bladder cancer. We do not know exactly how far-advanced it is or if it has spread, but the biopsy did show that it had spread into the muscle tissue, which means that it is at least at Stage 2.
My mother was really frustrated and discontent with the doctor down in Knoxville, though by the end of their visits together, I think she and my dad were satisfied that it was probably a kind of shyness on his part more than callousness. Either way, she did not want to need to continue to make a 140 mile one-way trip to see a doctor.
My mother's pain has gotten worse to the point that she is basically living on Tylenol and Ibuprofen. She refuses to take any stronger pain meds, both because she doesn't want to be loopy all the time and because they tend to be constipating. Unless it is a result of the cancer having spread, my mom thinks that her main source of chronic pain has less to do with the cancer and more to do with a hemorrhoid she developed. She hasn't had major issues with this for years, but she has had periodic issues with this throughout her life as a result of some complications of her spina bifida.
It's awful, because her primary care physician keeps telling her that the cancer must be dealt with first. She understands that it is, on a triage level, considered more 'urgent.' But she is in such pain right now that she cannot even rationally consider her next steps forward. I'm really hoping that Monday will lead to a more productive dialogue there.
My mother is also uncertain as to whether or not she will pursue chemo. She has said that she absolutely will not go through with having her bladder removed as any kind of attempt to prolong her life. Of course, our faith is some comfort in this matter, but even without it, I think my whole family is on the same page about prolonging life. It is worth it if there is any quality of life left, but there is no reason to fear a more-peaceful death to the point that one will continue to exist in abject misery.
She goes back and forth about being open to chemo, and I don't blame her. She's going later in the month to talk to an oncologist (locally, thank God), but I don't think unless there's something done about her non-bladder pain she's dealing with that she'll even fully consider her options. She was pretty resigned to at least trying the chemo, but then she read about the common effects of it, and she's rightly terrified.
At her age, she isn't sure that it's not just worth trying to seek as much comfort for as long as possible without even trying the chemo. The issue is that if the cancer just progresses, she might have more good days for a long time, but in the end-stage with this type of cancer, the amount of blood that tends to come out of the bladder makes urination very difficult, and she might end up in misery in a hospital somewhere anyway. And she really does not want that.
The doctor in Knoxville suggested that a typical course of treatment for this kind of cancer was four rounds of chemo, and that could take a very long time.
I have suggested that she take a middle path in terms of commitment. Do one round of chemo, and if she decides the sickness it brings about isn't worth it, then she could quit? And it might at least do something about the cancer? But ultimately, I don't know, and I really hope this oncologist is a good doctor and person.
It's scary, and I'm emotional about it sometimes, but I am in the process of trying to accept that these are probably the last few years I'll have with my mom. Either way, she is nearing 70, and she has had health problems all her life. The fact that she carried me was both amazing and a conscious sacrifice on her part. The one blessing about being unemployed and stuck at home in a country that frankly scares me more all the time is that I can be with her mother than I would have been otherwise.
I'm kind of haunted by the fact that she used to comment often that it was a miracle that she didn't have cancer because of how many x-rays she had as a child because of her treatment for orthopedic issues related to her disability. I'm still hoping that her misery can somehow be alleviated before she must face leaving this world.
My mother's primary care doctor has changed in the past year. She was with the same doctor for many years, and they had a good rapport, and I think he was a very good doctor. However, a number of years ago, my mother inquired if she had to have pelvic exams anymore because the process is much more difficult for her than the average person. Because my mother was not very if at all sexually active and if she ever was she had only ever had one sexual partner, the doctor agreed that since there were no signs of anything wrong, they could stop doing the pelvic exams given how far out she was from menopause.
It has made me wonder if there would have been anything they could have noticed earlier had that not been the case. But then again, I understand that bladder =/= uterus.
But in spite of all of these things, I want people to know that I'm... okay. I suppose it's a survival mechanism, but I don't have intense grief most of the time. I am keeping my brain busy and distracted most of the time, while trying to cherish any quality time I have with my mom.
More than anything, the grief I feel is about things in my life that she may never get to see, but in a way I'm fine that I'm basically the same person she's known for the past 20 years of my life.
In completely other news I started a Dragon Age tumblr here:![[tumblr.com profile]](https://www.tumblr.com/favicon.ico)
couslandofhighever. I've been there a little bit lately, though for the past few weeks, I have been in fic exchange zone and not been much of anywhere but discord. You may also add me there! If you want it, DM me or something.
I am writing this post at a moment when I feel some mix of anxious and calm. I just had a quiet hour when I was awake with nothing to do, so I thought it would be a good idea to write all this down, for anyone who is interested and for my own future reference.
I really should commit to journaling more, privately or publicly, because sometimes I feel like my consciousness is a forgotten blur.
I'm going to put the mom's health update under a cut out of courtesy.
So, my mother does have bladder cancer. We do not know exactly how far-advanced it is or if it has spread, but the biopsy did show that it had spread into the muscle tissue, which means that it is at least at Stage 2.
My mother was really frustrated and discontent with the doctor down in Knoxville, though by the end of their visits together, I think she and my dad were satisfied that it was probably a kind of shyness on his part more than callousness. Either way, she did not want to need to continue to make a 140 mile one-way trip to see a doctor.
My mother's pain has gotten worse to the point that she is basically living on Tylenol and Ibuprofen. She refuses to take any stronger pain meds, both because she doesn't want to be loopy all the time and because they tend to be constipating. Unless it is a result of the cancer having spread, my mom thinks that her main source of chronic pain has less to do with the cancer and more to do with a hemorrhoid she developed. She hasn't had major issues with this for years, but she has had periodic issues with this throughout her life as a result of some complications of her spina bifida.
It's awful, because her primary care physician keeps telling her that the cancer must be dealt with first. She understands that it is, on a triage level, considered more 'urgent.' But she is in such pain right now that she cannot even rationally consider her next steps forward. I'm really hoping that Monday will lead to a more productive dialogue there.
My mother is also uncertain as to whether or not she will pursue chemo. She has said that she absolutely will not go through with having her bladder removed as any kind of attempt to prolong her life. Of course, our faith is some comfort in this matter, but even without it, I think my whole family is on the same page about prolonging life. It is worth it if there is any quality of life left, but there is no reason to fear a more-peaceful death to the point that one will continue to exist in abject misery.
She goes back and forth about being open to chemo, and I don't blame her. She's going later in the month to talk to an oncologist (locally, thank God), but I don't think unless there's something done about her non-bladder pain she's dealing with that she'll even fully consider her options. She was pretty resigned to at least trying the chemo, but then she read about the common effects of it, and she's rightly terrified.
At her age, she isn't sure that it's not just worth trying to seek as much comfort for as long as possible without even trying the chemo. The issue is that if the cancer just progresses, she might have more good days for a long time, but in the end-stage with this type of cancer, the amount of blood that tends to come out of the bladder makes urination very difficult, and she might end up in misery in a hospital somewhere anyway. And she really does not want that.
The doctor in Knoxville suggested that a typical course of treatment for this kind of cancer was four rounds of chemo, and that could take a very long time.
I have suggested that she take a middle path in terms of commitment. Do one round of chemo, and if she decides the sickness it brings about isn't worth it, then she could quit? And it might at least do something about the cancer? But ultimately, I don't know, and I really hope this oncologist is a good doctor and person.
It's scary, and I'm emotional about it sometimes, but I am in the process of trying to accept that these are probably the last few years I'll have with my mom. Either way, she is nearing 70, and she has had health problems all her life. The fact that she carried me was both amazing and a conscious sacrifice on her part. The one blessing about being unemployed and stuck at home in a country that frankly scares me more all the time is that I can be with her mother than I would have been otherwise.
I'm kind of haunted by the fact that she used to comment often that it was a miracle that she didn't have cancer because of how many x-rays she had as a child because of her treatment for orthopedic issues related to her disability. I'm still hoping that her misery can somehow be alleviated before she must face leaving this world.
My mother's primary care doctor has changed in the past year. She was with the same doctor for many years, and they had a good rapport, and I think he was a very good doctor. However, a number of years ago, my mother inquired if she had to have pelvic exams anymore because the process is much more difficult for her than the average person. Because my mother was not very if at all sexually active and if she ever was she had only ever had one sexual partner, the doctor agreed that since there were no signs of anything wrong, they could stop doing the pelvic exams given how far out she was from menopause.
It has made me wonder if there would have been anything they could have noticed earlier had that not been the case. But then again, I understand that bladder =/= uterus.
But in spite of all of these things, I want people to know that I'm... okay. I suppose it's a survival mechanism, but I don't have intense grief most of the time. I am keeping my brain busy and distracted most of the time, while trying to cherish any quality time I have with my mom.
More than anything, the grief I feel is about things in my life that she may never get to see, but in a way I'm fine that I'm basically the same person she's known for the past 20 years of my life.
In completely other news I started a Dragon Age tumblr here:
I am writing this post at a moment when I feel some mix of anxious and calm. I just had a quiet hour when I was awake with nothing to do, so I thought it would be a good idea to write all this down, for anyone who is interested and for my own future reference.
I really should commit to journaling more, privately or publicly, because sometimes I feel like my consciousness is a forgotten blur.
