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First Couple of Weeks in Japan
May. 11th, 2019 01:10 pmI'll have been in Japan for two weeks this Tuesday. I finally started the actual job just this past Thursday. The first couple of days were a bit of a blur. We had time off when we first got here, which was nice to catch up on some sleep and just to get my physical bearings, but psychologically it was kind of rough. I had no contact with much of anyone for a few days there. Luckily, the guy who is a coworker of mine they had escort me to my apartment shared his number with me. I texted him the few times I was just completely lost and confused, and he helped me out.
Last Saturday, a couple of girls who are also instructors that I met at the airport invited me to see Ueno Zoo. It was free admission that day, so it was quite crowded but bearable. I know (mostly from silly anime memes) that there is a great concern about a declining birthrate in Japan, but being out in public I certainly wouldn't be able to tell it. There are kids and pregnant ladies everywhere! But I don't know if I'm just noticing it because I know it is a thing and also the zoo is obvious a magnet for families with children. I've noticed lots of kids elsewhere too, though. Not that I mind.
One thing that troubles me sometimes in interactions with my peers is that I feel like most people I know who are capable of bearing children who haven't already talk about the prospect like it is a fate worse than death. I know that a lot of people have totally valid reasons for never ever wanting kids. I would much rather people be that way than lukewarm on the idea and then just have kids that they resent or don't take care of or spoil rotten because it's easier than teaching them anything. I admire people who recognize that the most responsible thing they can do toward their potential progeny is simply not to have them. I totally support the idea that people should not in any way be EXPECTED to have kids. However, I find myself feeling a little uncomfortable with the "UGH KIDS" rhetoric.
I know that even kids' developmental stage-related personality quirks can be off-putting to some people. You don't have to love being around them. However, I find that I generally like kids. Even though at this point in my life, I like the ability to clock out and only deal with them in a work capacity, I think kids and young people are really cool. And as 30 ticks closer and closer every day, I find myself saddened by the idea that my window of opportunity for even having the option to make the choice on whether or not I'd like to be a parent is closing. My mother had me at 36, and I know that fertility is often possible even after that. However, I think my hormonal issues might be even more complicated than my mother's were. Furthermore, I don't want to choose to be a single parent if I choose to be a parent at all. That means that in order to have a kid, I'd have to have a partner, and if I have a partner, I don't think it is desirable or even healthy to jump immediately into being parents. I would want time to just have a stable relationship with my hypothetical partner, so that pushes the calendar out and so on and so on. So even though I know 28 is too young to be worried about becoming infertile in most cases, if I would even want a biological kid were I to have one which isn't a given, I still feel like time is running out on my options in life.
And I feel like there's basically no sympathy to be had for it. I don't know what good sympathy would do. It would probably just make me even more mopey to be honest. However, there is something decidedly uncomfortable about the fact that I almost feel like my friends who don't want kids sort of turn their noses up at this kind of thought process and discomfort. I don't want to impart feelings to my friends that they don't have, though. I don't want to be unfair, and I don't want to accuse anyone of anything. It could be a little bit like that thing where you think everyone is staring at you because you noticed one person glance your way just because our brains are programmed to notice disruptive noise even if it doesn't bother us. I feel like the elephant in the room (not to segue into my body image issues that get harder to bear with age and my mother's well-meaning comments).
This cycles around my mind a lot here. I guess it's because of seeing and noticing the kids and the families. Also the fact that I'm awake when most of the English-speaking world is asleep. I try to go for a walk each day. I'm mostly living on food bought from outside, so that is at least an excuse. I hope I'm not canceling out the exercise entirely.
On the flight over, I watched two movies. (If I watched anymore I don't remember.) I watched Little Miss Sunshine which I only knew from memes but had a dream about even as late as last night for some reason. It was a very indie sorta film, but I enjoyed it a lot. The other movie I watched was one I've seen quite a few times: when Harry Met Sally. Of course it's quite dated, but it's funny and familiar and comforting. I find myself already clinging to anything that's familiar and comforting. I am enjoying eating Japanese food, but sometimes I just go YES BURGER KING, like this afternoon, because it is something I am familiar with. It's weird how the big fast food chains that exist here are completely aware that they serve that function; you can tell from the signage inside. Japan Burger King is better than both America Burger King and any McDonald's, btw. I had Burger King today and McDonald's sometime last week. But McDonald's had this sign, I noticed, that was like "a little slice of home but with special sauce" or something like that. That was FOR ME and people like me and it felt very weird - much weirder than the trendy tweets that companies do, to me at least. Mostly because it's right and it did affect me in a way that stupid tweets from corporation shells don't.
Anyway, I brought this up because in When Harry Met Sally, Sally talks about how she's 30 or so and she took her friend's daughter to the circus and they were playing eye-spy in the cab and the little girl said "I spy a family" and she started crying. It's the encapsulated anxiety about life passing you by. Even today I watched this thing on Netflix that's stop motion animation - a Netflix Original but made here in Japan somewhere - called Rilakkuma and Kaoru. I did it because it looked cute and the first ep was 12 minutes and someone told me to try to watch things in Japanese to help my trying to learn a little bit sink in. Anyway, it's about this woman who's about my age or so and growing up and still just has work in her life. Her friends are growing up and away from her, getting married, having kids, going abroad. She lives with a couple of human-sized living plush bears and a sentient pet bird. It's very magical realism. I recommend it so far, but it's just so emotionally raw to me. I feel like even my random netflix clicks are screaming at me much the same message the show had for Kaoru in the first episode. You're being left behind by life.
Earlier a friend tried to comfort me by saying I was only just now reaching a third of the average lifespan and that some people would be offended if I called that old. I know that's true. I know I'm not "old." I just feel older than I should be. For half a second a few days ago I literally forgot how old I was. My brain supplied "25" but then oh, no, I'm 28. I explained it to my friend that I feel like I'm leaving the set-up phase of life with nothing to show for it. Like in a video game, I didn't get the easy-to-find potions and so I'm gonna have a rough road ahead trying to find any source of comfort in life or something.
It's beautiful here. My phone is very low on storage space, so I'll have to offload my pictures somewhere soon. I wanna maybe make a middle ground social media account I can use for both IRL and fandom friends like a friend did when she went to Australia. Of course, it was easier for her because I feel like she's outgrowing fandom in favor of more mature and self-growth-y things. Sometimes I feel really alienated from her, too, because I feel like she looks down on what I like at this point even though we used to like the same things.
I'm still creatively stuck. I have a few moments of near-inspiration sometimes, but then they just fly away.
Last Saturday, a couple of girls who are also instructors that I met at the airport invited me to see Ueno Zoo. It was free admission that day, so it was quite crowded but bearable. I know (mostly from silly anime memes) that there is a great concern about a declining birthrate in Japan, but being out in public I certainly wouldn't be able to tell it. There are kids and pregnant ladies everywhere! But I don't know if I'm just noticing it because I know it is a thing and also the zoo is obvious a magnet for families with children. I've noticed lots of kids elsewhere too, though. Not that I mind.
One thing that troubles me sometimes in interactions with my peers is that I feel like most people I know who are capable of bearing children who haven't already talk about the prospect like it is a fate worse than death. I know that a lot of people have totally valid reasons for never ever wanting kids. I would much rather people be that way than lukewarm on the idea and then just have kids that they resent or don't take care of or spoil rotten because it's easier than teaching them anything. I admire people who recognize that the most responsible thing they can do toward their potential progeny is simply not to have them. I totally support the idea that people should not in any way be EXPECTED to have kids. However, I find myself feeling a little uncomfortable with the "UGH KIDS" rhetoric.
I know that even kids' developmental stage-related personality quirks can be off-putting to some people. You don't have to love being around them. However, I find that I generally like kids. Even though at this point in my life, I like the ability to clock out and only deal with them in a work capacity, I think kids and young people are really cool. And as 30 ticks closer and closer every day, I find myself saddened by the idea that my window of opportunity for even having the option to make the choice on whether or not I'd like to be a parent is closing. My mother had me at 36, and I know that fertility is often possible even after that. However, I think my hormonal issues might be even more complicated than my mother's were. Furthermore, I don't want to choose to be a single parent if I choose to be a parent at all. That means that in order to have a kid, I'd have to have a partner, and if I have a partner, I don't think it is desirable or even healthy to jump immediately into being parents. I would want time to just have a stable relationship with my hypothetical partner, so that pushes the calendar out and so on and so on. So even though I know 28 is too young to be worried about becoming infertile in most cases, if I would even want a biological kid were I to have one which isn't a given, I still feel like time is running out on my options in life.
And I feel like there's basically no sympathy to be had for it. I don't know what good sympathy would do. It would probably just make me even more mopey to be honest. However, there is something decidedly uncomfortable about the fact that I almost feel like my friends who don't want kids sort of turn their noses up at this kind of thought process and discomfort. I don't want to impart feelings to my friends that they don't have, though. I don't want to be unfair, and I don't want to accuse anyone of anything. It could be a little bit like that thing where you think everyone is staring at you because you noticed one person glance your way just because our brains are programmed to notice disruptive noise even if it doesn't bother us. I feel like the elephant in the room (not to segue into my body image issues that get harder to bear with age and my mother's well-meaning comments).
This cycles around my mind a lot here. I guess it's because of seeing and noticing the kids and the families. Also the fact that I'm awake when most of the English-speaking world is asleep. I try to go for a walk each day. I'm mostly living on food bought from outside, so that is at least an excuse. I hope I'm not canceling out the exercise entirely.
On the flight over, I watched two movies. (If I watched anymore I don't remember.) I watched Little Miss Sunshine which I only knew from memes but had a dream about even as late as last night for some reason. It was a very indie sorta film, but I enjoyed it a lot. The other movie I watched was one I've seen quite a few times: when Harry Met Sally. Of course it's quite dated, but it's funny and familiar and comforting. I find myself already clinging to anything that's familiar and comforting. I am enjoying eating Japanese food, but sometimes I just go YES BURGER KING, like this afternoon, because it is something I am familiar with. It's weird how the big fast food chains that exist here are completely aware that they serve that function; you can tell from the signage inside. Japan Burger King is better than both America Burger King and any McDonald's, btw. I had Burger King today and McDonald's sometime last week. But McDonald's had this sign, I noticed, that was like "a little slice of home but with special sauce" or something like that. That was FOR ME and people like me and it felt very weird - much weirder than the trendy tweets that companies do, to me at least. Mostly because it's right and it did affect me in a way that stupid tweets from corporation shells don't.
Anyway, I brought this up because in When Harry Met Sally, Sally talks about how she's 30 or so and she took her friend's daughter to the circus and they were playing eye-spy in the cab and the little girl said "I spy a family" and she started crying. It's the encapsulated anxiety about life passing you by. Even today I watched this thing on Netflix that's stop motion animation - a Netflix Original but made here in Japan somewhere - called Rilakkuma and Kaoru. I did it because it looked cute and the first ep was 12 minutes and someone told me to try to watch things in Japanese to help my trying to learn a little bit sink in. Anyway, it's about this woman who's about my age or so and growing up and still just has work in her life. Her friends are growing up and away from her, getting married, having kids, going abroad. She lives with a couple of human-sized living plush bears and a sentient pet bird. It's very magical realism. I recommend it so far, but it's just so emotionally raw to me. I feel like even my random netflix clicks are screaming at me much the same message the show had for Kaoru in the first episode. You're being left behind by life.
Earlier a friend tried to comfort me by saying I was only just now reaching a third of the average lifespan and that some people would be offended if I called that old. I know that's true. I know I'm not "old." I just feel older than I should be. For half a second a few days ago I literally forgot how old I was. My brain supplied "25" but then oh, no, I'm 28. I explained it to my friend that I feel like I'm leaving the set-up phase of life with nothing to show for it. Like in a video game, I didn't get the easy-to-find potions and so I'm gonna have a rough road ahead trying to find any source of comfort in life or something.
It's beautiful here. My phone is very low on storage space, so I'll have to offload my pictures somewhere soon. I wanna maybe make a middle ground social media account I can use for both IRL and fandom friends like a friend did when she went to Australia. Of course, it was easier for her because I feel like she's outgrowing fandom in favor of more mature and self-growth-y things. Sometimes I feel really alienated from her, too, because I feel like she looks down on what I like at this point even though we used to like the same things.
I'm still creatively stuck. I have a few moments of near-inspiration sometimes, but then they just fly away.
