(after) work rant

[prixmium]

So, Monday and Tuesday as work days actually went super smoothly for me. Tuesday was super easy, too, because two of my students were absent.

My usual work hours are 1:30 PM to 9:00ish. Technically 9:30, but it's basically when everything is wrapped up and my boss says goodnight to me, and it's usually a bit earlier than that.

My boss, being Japanese, seems to come to work for like 10-14 hours a day. Therefore, it feels like no matter what I do, even though she's generally kind, there's this idea that I have an absurdly easy schedule.

I am venting, because overall my boss is a genuinely kind person. I can tell that she has the good of all in her heart as much as possible. However, she is a deeply anxious person, as mentioned in a previous post.

So here's the bullet points version of what happened:

i left my house key at work

i have a work key

work has a security system

i sent [boss] a text asking her for any further information about disarming the security system. honestly, it looked very simple and it should've been explained to me before, but [boss[ seemed to think i would only ever need to get in after she had been there during the day because she gets there at like 7am and leaves at 9:00pm or whatever.

i try to explain through text message twice what the situation was

[boss], being a person to freak out about everything, hops in her fucking car and drives almost back to work to let me in

i tell her i have a key i just need instructions

she sees this message and thinks it means i found my key

she asked me to never do that again but she was glad i had my key and i apologized a couple of times and she seemed to accept and wish me good night whatever

but because she still didn't understand what i needed, i had to go in with the key, set off the security system, couldn't figrue out how to disarm it, so i had to explain to the security system people and the police what happened. they were all super nice and everything is fine now but i'm stressed out that she's gonna be pissed tomorrow if she finds out i set it off
even though it's entirely because she couldn't fucking tell me basically a two step process
i talked to my dad about it a bit
i feel a bit better
but i just
siiiigh
i've only ever slightly fucked up twice ever and this is the second time so i think i'm fine but
this is partly on her
don't give someone a key they can't use
she did say she'd show me how to disarm it tomorrow
but again
totally misundestood the situation despite me being very clear

from me venting it to my best friend because I am trying not to dwell and type all this shit again over and over.

Hopefully, my tiny piece of cheesecake and a note of "sorry for waking you up unnecessarily" will let it blow over. However, if it comes to her attention that I set off the fucking security alarm and it annoys her, I think I might lose my mind inside. I will probably outwardly just become weak and meek like always, but ultimately, this is kind of her fault at least as much as it is mine.

If someone entrusts me with a key, I should be able to rely on being able to use it in some crazy circumstance without having to call the police!

She did say she would explain how to arm/disarm the thing for future reference.

I just fucking hate how her response was to jump out of bed and start driving instead of... like... calling or texting me?

Anyway, I talked to my dad and my two best friends. Mentioned it to my one Japanese friend. I feel a tiny bit better now. I'm just trying to steel myself without obsessing and spiraling.

I just really need to develop the boundary of being able to treat this just as a job instead of the locus of my self-worth. I care about my job and want to do a good job, but my rejection sensitivity is SO high that if she's annoyed I lose it a little. And that in itself is a bit of a negative power dynamic that I do not believe she in any way exploits on purpose but which deepens the boss/subordinate divide anytime there's even a mild hiccup.

Another thing I did to make myself feel better was put in three job applications. One I would love to hear back from and two on a lark.

I don't plan to leave immediately. I plan to give her a 90 day notice, as it says in my contract I should for voluntary retirement, and hopefully even more if I can. I also plan to give her a full year out of me, if at all possible with any job to get me out of Podunk, Japan, but I really, really need to be somewhere I can get on a train and just... ride.

Comments

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I just really need to develop the boundary of being able to treat this just as a job instead of the locus of my self-worth. <<

One possibility would be to increase your investment in things outside of work. That could be relationships, hobbies, spirituality, home activities like gardening, community, whatever. The more you have in your life, the smaller piece of pie your "work identity" will occupy.

A Circle of Life or similar tool can help you think about the different parts of your life, and how happy you are with each of them. Then you can see areas you might want to work on improving.

>> I care about my job and want to do a good job, but my rejection sensitivity is SO high that if she's annoyed I lose it a little. <<

That bit of human hardwiring can be very hard to overcome, because it's designed to keep people from running off to get eaten by saberteeth. I did a post on "How to Care Less About What People Think" though.

Re: Thoughts

[prixmium]

I have a lot of trouble having things outside my work life during my work week. It was even worse when I was employed back in America, I think, but I tend to sleep almost the entire time I'm home. I seem to be doing better when I stay awake out of a burst of spite or when I peacefully go to bed as soon as possible and wake up very early to have a little morning shift to myself and my friends back in North America before a pre-work nap.

Because I'm always in a state of knowing I'm not where I want to be exactly in life, I have a hard time investing in my surroundings and hobbies that I can't pick up and carry with me online.

I want to get a small garden box or a hydroponic garden in the next year, but I'm also trying to get a job in Tokyo, so there's always this reason it's better to not accumulate anything else I would want to take with me.

I will look at that circle of life thing you linked!

Re: Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I tend to sleep almost the entire time I'm home. <<

That's a vicious circle -- always tired, no time for yourself, no motivation to stay away. My sympathies.

>> Because I'm always in a state of knowing I'm not where I want to be exactly in life, I have a hard time investing in my surroundings and hobbies that I can't pick up and carry with me online.<<

Hobbies and interests don't have to be physical objects. Reading, writing, learning languages, singing, birdwatching -- those are all highly portable. Making friends online might help with a sense of community.

>> I want to get a small garden box or a hydroponic garden in the next year,<<

That sounds nice.

>> but I'm also trying to get a job in Tokyo, so there's always this reason it's better to not accumulate anything else I would want to take with me.<<

Yeah, that's hard to deal with. If you're determined to aim for Tokyo, what about trying to form advance anchors there? You might study the plants and animals of the area, figure out what could grow there. Or look for clubs and other social groups.

>>I will look at that circle of life thing you linked! <<

I hope it helps.

[anirrationalseason]

Working with someone who suffers from nerves to that degree sounds exhausting. It sounds like you're making the right decision to look at other places.

[prixmium]

Yeah! It sucks because she's genuinely a good seeming person, but she's a compulsive over worker and worrier, as seems to be encouraged in Japanese culture.

[popkin16]

I can't believe she wouldn't just tell you over the phone what to do! That's the simplest option, and something she should have done when she handed the key over. I'm the same way though - I tend to stress and focus on things I feel I did wrong. I'm working on my boundaries though, and trying NOT to think about work when I'm not at work. Good luck dealing with that environment, and I really hope you hear back from that job you want ♥

[prixmium]

It's great to hear from you! We should talk on discord more.

It worked out okay in the end. I think we both apologized in our own ways? And another friend said she'll totally forget about it when she has her next anxiety emergency.

Here's to not spiraling.

[popkin16]

we really should chat more on discord! I always mean to reach out and then just...forget to. Plus, I'm never sure if you're awake or not (damn timezones) and if messaging you will wake you up. I'm going to start trying to leave messages and let you respond whenever!

Well, that's something. My boss is very scatter-brained so if I accidentally do something wrong I just have to wait and she'll forget lol. Unless it's a serious matter, of course.

🤞🏻🤞🏻 Here's to not spiraling!

[svgurl]

Oh man, I'm sorry. That sounds really frustrating to deal with - she definitely sounded like she didn't think through what was going on and just acted. And I totally agree that if you have a key, you should be able to use it if necessary and be told how to work the security system.

Good luck with the job hunt!