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So when I was weighing my options about what to do about my crush, the most agreeable and consistent advice I got from friends was to wait until very close to the end of the semester and to ask him if he wanted to stay in touch after the semester was over. Today is Thursday, and one week from now the teaching semester is over. In a way, I am relieved. However, I knew that my supervisor was coming by today, and so earlier in the week it was determined that I needed to try to talk to my crush yesterday or tomorrow (Friday).
I thought about it, and I needed to make a trip to the ATM on campus anyway. I decided to create an opportunity by making a trip to the ATM after my final class last night, so I managed to catch up with him. I explained that I needed to go to the ATM and he walked with me. Almost to the point where we would have parted ways, I was still trying to get my nerve up to steer the conversation to some inconspicuous way of trying to find out if he wanted to keep in touch after I wasn't his teacher anymore.
Meanwhile, he was apparently trying to get up the nerve to ask if I wanted to go see his starfish now. He asked if I had time. I said sure, right after I tried to get my money. We parted ways briefly and I tried to go to the ATM, but it was locked down for the night, so I quickly wandered back to the front of the building. Then, we walked together toward the building on campus where student organizations get a club room to function from, I guess.
Following a friend's advice about keeping some kind of better-safe-than-sorry veneer of professionalism on my quest to get an opportunity to stay in touch with him, I finally got the conversation to be about how he would continue to practice English between classes. This resulted in him telling me about going to language school. He shared that he had gone to cram school before entering university, and I guess he was suggesting that he could do that again if he had to. He was interested in whether or not I knew if I was coming back to this university next semester, but there was not real urgency behind this concern. On the other hand, he seemed to take my concern as genuine and pure concern about his continuing to practice English, so by the time I finally managed to spit out something akin to an "I was wondering if you would like to keep in touch online somehow when I am not your teacher anymore to keep talking to each other in English," we were already at the bottom of the stairs to go up to his circle room to see his starfish. He did not seem to understand or to brush it off, and I am still not sure which of the two happened. Then, we were at the top. Then, he introduced me to his kouhais and showed me his aquarium. He was happy and friendly, and I did my best to be in turn.
Then I left.
He usually comes to my last class of the day, but before any of this he informed me he would come to the first one this morning because he had a club activity after classes today. I was relieved, almost, to "get it over with" today. I was glad that there was no electric awkwardness. At the very least this gives me the impression that he was not actively trying to blow off the question and that it may have truly been an issue of timing and the extant language gap.
However, it still feels like my bubble burst, like a cloud has lifted, or whatever.
I don't like him as a person any less.
I still think I care about him a lot and feel comfortable with him.
But over the course of a couple of hours, I feel like I went through a fast-motion progression of the grieving process.
It might not stick for the next week, and some of my friends seem pretty concerned about my negativity and propensity to "punish myself." However, for the most part it just seems like protecting myself.
In a way, I feel more like myself than I have in the days and weeks since I felt these Feelings begin to settle in.
I don't think how I am feeling now indicates that they were false or shallow. However, it feels like something sort of snapped back into place and that I have dully realized that I was being crazy or delusional. A part of me suspects that this is a defense mechanism, but another part is almost relieved that I can go back to something that feels almost normal for me. Feeling hope and, in particular, romantic hope feels like an ambition that is beyond me and should remain so sometimes.
I thought about it, and I needed to make a trip to the ATM on campus anyway. I decided to create an opportunity by making a trip to the ATM after my final class last night, so I managed to catch up with him. I explained that I needed to go to the ATM and he walked with me. Almost to the point where we would have parted ways, I was still trying to get my nerve up to steer the conversation to some inconspicuous way of trying to find out if he wanted to keep in touch after I wasn't his teacher anymore.
Meanwhile, he was apparently trying to get up the nerve to ask if I wanted to go see his starfish now. He asked if I had time. I said sure, right after I tried to get my money. We parted ways briefly and I tried to go to the ATM, but it was locked down for the night, so I quickly wandered back to the front of the building. Then, we walked together toward the building on campus where student organizations get a club room to function from, I guess.
Following a friend's advice about keeping some kind of better-safe-than-sorry veneer of professionalism on my quest to get an opportunity to stay in touch with him, I finally got the conversation to be about how he would continue to practice English between classes. This resulted in him telling me about going to language school. He shared that he had gone to cram school before entering university, and I guess he was suggesting that he could do that again if he had to. He was interested in whether or not I knew if I was coming back to this university next semester, but there was not real urgency behind this concern. On the other hand, he seemed to take my concern as genuine and pure concern about his continuing to practice English, so by the time I finally managed to spit out something akin to an "I was wondering if you would like to keep in touch online somehow when I am not your teacher anymore to keep talking to each other in English," we were already at the bottom of the stairs to go up to his circle room to see his starfish. He did not seem to understand or to brush it off, and I am still not sure which of the two happened. Then, we were at the top. Then, he introduced me to his kouhais and showed me his aquarium. He was happy and friendly, and I did my best to be in turn.
Then I left.
He usually comes to my last class of the day, but before any of this he informed me he would come to the first one this morning because he had a club activity after classes today. I was relieved, almost, to "get it over with" today. I was glad that there was no electric awkwardness. At the very least this gives me the impression that he was not actively trying to blow off the question and that it may have truly been an issue of timing and the extant language gap.
However, it still feels like my bubble burst, like a cloud has lifted, or whatever.
I don't like him as a person any less.
I still think I care about him a lot and feel comfortable with him.
But over the course of a couple of hours, I feel like I went through a fast-motion progression of the grieving process.
It might not stick for the next week, and some of my friends seem pretty concerned about my negativity and propensity to "punish myself." However, for the most part it just seems like protecting myself.
In a way, I feel more like myself than I have in the days and weeks since I felt these Feelings begin to settle in.
I don't think how I am feeling now indicates that they were false or shallow. However, it feels like something sort of snapped back into place and that I have dully realized that I was being crazy or delusional. A part of me suspects that this is a defense mechanism, but another part is almost relieved that I can go back to something that feels almost normal for me. Feeling hope and, in particular, romantic hope feels like an ambition that is beyond me and should remain so sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-12 01:42 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-07-12 04:31 pm (UTC)From: